That's not me - really

[[image of Santa mugshot]]

WHY SANTA CAN'T GET INTO PRISON VISITING

Report from visiting staff at (name yer poison...er, prison)

Approximately 800 hours today, 25 December 2018 staff observed a suspicious individual attempting to gain access to visiting processing.

The Suspect appeared to be a white male, late 60s in age, approximately 6 feet tall, weight approximately 300 pounds. The Suspect appeared to arrive on grounds in an unlicensed, non-gasoline fuelled vehicle which had several unauthorized wild animals attached to the vehicle. Animals other than seeing eye dogs or personal assistant animals are not allowed on prison grounds. Vehicle was confiscated and animals impounded.

Suspect has no visiting appointment.

Suspect was wearing unacceptable attire, to wit:

- Red in color (dis-allowed due to gang connection)
- Excessive facial hair obscuring features
- Hat, gloves, excessively large belt which did not appear necessary

The Suspect could not produce valid picture identification

The Suspect attempted to bring non-transparent bag containing personal items into visiting room

The Suspect appeared to be intoxicated or under the influence of illegal drugs. This opinion based on the observation of suspect's physical appearance and actions by trained observers. Suspect had rosy cheeks and red nose, characteristic of alcohol use. Suspect seemed in unusually good spirits, often laughing for no reason, characteristic of individuals under the influence of drugs.

Suspect loudly should "HO HO HO" repeatedly, probably gang-related slang referring to females.

Suspect had odor of pipe tobacco about his person, probably attempting to smuggle contraband tobacco into prisoners.

When asked why he was attempting to enter visiting suspect replied he wanted to spread Christmas cheer to all. "Christmas cheer" may a code phrase for contraband alcohol.

When staff attempted to search suspect he laid a finger aside his nose and disappeared. May have been assisted by accomplices in his escape as laughter was heard and one small green shoe with curled toe and attached bell was found.

Have issued a BOLO for individual and have placed all yards on lock down as a precaution.

Just the way things are here in California.

Steve