Personal Journal

4/27/19
Sat.

I usually get up around 4 AM, give or take a few minutes. I read, I write, I contemplate and meditate. Sometimes I just gaze out the window at the stars and daydream. Sometimes I just lie in bed with my eyes shut tight looking for a remnant of her presence, a remnant of her fragrance from last night's dream. I can still feel her here in my heart. Sometimes waking up can be unbearable.

Mon. 4/29/19

I've had an eye infection the last couple of days. It's getting better now so I don't know if I'll even waste my time going to see the RN so she can sign me up to see the doctor in a couple of weeks so he can prescribe me an antibiotic. We're still on lockdown - have been since after breakfast last Monday. Hopefully we be off after breakfast today. I would like to get out, do some walking, get some exercise, breathe some fresh air. :) Did some reading during the lockdown, couldn't do much painting during the downtime. I did do some but I didn't want to keep the bright light on because my celly was sleeping or watching TV and the bright light interfered with TV reception. I never see this one write/read or do anything to improve himself. :) I got some messages from the blog Friday so a big yell out to Father John and tofuqueenerica. Thank you both for reading my posts and for taking the time to make comments. It always makes one feel good when they know there are people who care. I have come to realize that not every attitude I held back in the day was correct. I was a younger man then - I was a little rougher back then, maybe a lot rougher, but with the years and a lot of water passing under the bridge I crossed and didn't burn down I've smoothed some edges, learned a lot. With aging I've become a soft spoken person. Like a raw liquor that magically changes into a smooth whisky, I have become more palatable.

May 1, 2019

Eye infection has been clearing up fast, almost completely gone. I painted for awhile yesterday afternoon (a couple of hours) until my eyes were too tired to focus. I painted the tail end of a yellow school bus going down a country road much like the one that me, my brothers and sisters rode to school in Florida for years, fond memories of a childhood. A lot of detail, 16 lights, 4 big back windows so I had to paint the inside view in :) the school bus and Florida on it. A lot of touch up to do but it coming along - it's only a 6" x 9" canvas. :) We're off lockdown now so I was able to get out and walk Mon and Tues. Monday the sun was out and it warmed up fast. Tuesday it stayed cloudy and cool all morning so one walked a little faster to keep warm. This morning the sky is already blue as the sun is peeking over the hills bringing the morning light with a red glow. My bones have been feeling good mostly lately - still have some pain in my legs, feet and other joints but it mostly goes away. My hands are still numb but I can bend them some now and almost make a fist without too much pain so the meds are helping some or it just might be the good weather. Help Line caller, "Help, I'm out in the middle of the lake on a boat and I've run out of beer." :) It sounded funnier when I first heard it. :)

Thursday
5/2/19

Every day I repeat the cycle of waking up and going to sleep. How we start the day has a big impact, our emotional perspective. A positive day with a smile on our face and love in our heart can change in a moment or a word. If I start out feeling stressed, angry or resentful it can be hard to shake off. But yet I always manage a happy thought slips in with a kind word, a note from the outside world - a dog running into me in the dayroom. Someone to care for, someone to care for you. Lucky for me most days start out happy, bright, and shiny. :)

Friday
5/3/19

Another lockdown started, well, not a lockdown, a program modification. :) Through next Thursday, except for Sat and Sun we'll be up. :) There will be no yard during the modification days - but there will be half-day dayroom, work, school, and ducats. I have another ducat for the lab this morning. It seems that they're testing my blood once a week now. My arm's still bruised from last week. All in all it's still a beautiful morning. My anger has extinguished a lot over the years, whatever I was angry about. Maybe PTSD - I've put a lot of time in prison war zones. Serenity, solitude, silence, stillness, simplicity; a serene state of mind - a time to find peace of mind. Don't stop dreaming. When you stop dreaming, you stop living. The dreams of a dreamer come true only if the dreamer wants them to.

Thursday
5/9/19

I'm not sure if we're coming off this lockdown today or Friday. I'm all discombobulated - can't think to write - did some reading, slow, not retaining much. :) I painted some the last week - finished the tail end of the school bus, did some roses for someone's Mother's Day card, working on what resembles a dream catcher but is not. I never got the blog you told me about in the VD card. I wonder how many messages have been lost in the mail here, anyway on to the next page - miss you. I'm going to get this off in today's mail then sit back, stare out the window into space and daydream.