4-12-2020

Dear Reader,

Hey. I hope all is well on your end.

Today's post isn't going to be one that makes you laugh or smile. Instead, I'm going to use this as a sense of therapy...I guess.

As you are aware, I lost my guilt phase appeal last year. That hurt, but I remained positive. I still had a new sentencing phase, so I'd most likely end up with a life sentence. Well, the state just filed to have my death sentence reinstated. Without any penalty phase. So that's not good. But -- I still fight.

This last pile of bricks weighs a ton. And is the reason I'm having difficulty...breathing. I've recently been forced to realize a special connection I had is no more. That it hasn't been for some time. But instead of telling me this wasn't anything anymore, she said nothing. And while she drifted away, I grew closer. Not realizing I was graying at the air.

Now I feel like dead weight, drifting down a river of lethargic she. It holds me down. Not by my arms, not by my legs. But by my heart, my soul...I feel it filling my stomach and my chest with a feeling of heavy sorrow. I have no appetite and force myself to eat to keep from becoming malnourished. I'm so tired, but can't sleep. When I think of her, my heart races and that sorrow in my stomach and chest grows and I become heavy again. I wish I could fix what I did wrong. But she says I didn't do anything wrong...That means there's nothing to fix...nothing "I" can't fix. So I'm caught in this web of misery until I can find a way to free myself.

But I don't know if I can...Do I really need to? No freedom, no sharing the experience of falling in love...I have a couple of friends who genuinely care about me and while it means so much, it may not be enough to hold me here...It hurts so much.

I'm now going to do something I haven't had the need of in a long time...Transfer my pain onto paper. I'll share this poem with you when I am finished. Take care. Until next time.

Yours truly,
Doug