Welcome to July. July 1, 2012
Another month has crept up on
me, time just keeps rolling on. :P
Isn't it funny (ironic) how
slowly it moves when you are young, only
to steadily increase its pace as you age...
Or maybe its just that there never
seems to be enough time to get caught up
with all your responsibilities.
Well, it has recently been pointed
out to me that my lack of discipline plays
a big part in my not keeping up on all my
projects, and I have to admit to a
short coming in that department.
I definitely need to be a lot more
organized and plan my days better.
That must sound strange from someone
serving a life sentence in an institution
that is run on a specific clock day in
and day out. It doesn't get much more
regimented than this maybe thats why
I tend to fly be the seat of my pants in
my free time.
I don't like planning very far
ahead, for me there is no light at
the end of the tunnel and I'm much
better off if I don't think about it.
I can't look into the future because
I don't like where the road leads and
it would be too easy to get completely
lost in the depression.
So I am very much in the moment.
Even looking into the past can be hard,
I have so many regrets and it so easy
to get into a rhythm of second guessing
and wishing I had done things differently.
But all the wishing in the world will
not change the past, so whenever I catch
myself reliving old memories I make
a concerted effort to focus on good
ones and let those feelings wash over me
again.
Memory is powerful, but of
course at my age it's also spotty. :P
The truth is that despite the many
horrors of my past I do have some
beautiful memories that carry me
through the halls of this place.
Like riding in a tractor with
the girl I loved, plowing a field in
Vermont laughing at the mice scurrying
in every direction. Spending the night
in a house that creaked and groaned
so much we actually scared ourselves.:)
My 13th or 14th birthday, my little
sister who was in New Hampshire
popped up in the passenger seat of
my fathers jeeping yelling "Happy Birthday"
with such an amazing smile, in Montana.
My brother and I camping in
Blodget Canyon and hiking up into
the mountains.
These are the memories I
focus on when the regret wagon tries
to roll in.
And whenever I am daunted
by the finality of my situation I only
need to remind myself I get to call my
little sis, Saturday mourning.
And despite all the crap our
parents put us through and the different
roads we traveled my older brother,
younger sister and myself have managed
to pull together a great friendship
full of love. And now another light
from my past has touched my life.
What do I have to be blue about? :)
Be at peace ya'all.
Danny