Hi Jeremy,

Really wise words, thanks for writing.

I appreciate you wanting to protect my anonymity, but in this case there was no need to. I am proud to be your dear friend and I believe that perhaps others may be curious about the same things I am, so I'm grateful to you for sharing of yourself in the way that you do. I believe the more we can learn about our fellow humans, the more we can respect our similarities and differences so I thank you for the part you are playing in bringing us together through your candid disclosures.

I am pleased to hear you have felt the intensity of love before and I hope that experience gives you a benchmark in your darkest hours, reminding you of how good things can become.

I was however, actually going somewhere else on my journey of building trust through my own self disclosure, then asking that one important question of you, so here is what I actually find difficult to process...

I must begin by saying this question may come from my own ignorance or misunderstanding, perhaps just a different cultural perspective from your own, but perhaps you can help me understand in your usual eloquent manner.

You describe your crime as one of "runaway words". I understand Americans hold dear the right to "freedom of speech" which actually seems ironic to me because there seems to be more restrictions on what you can and can't say in the USA (since 9/11 specifically) than here in my country where we don't tout the right of free speech, it is simply a silent expectation that it is a right we possess.

Having said that, I personally see real merits in not fully disclosing every detail of our lives publicly. I believe there is a way to be an authentic version of ourselves with the use of self-censorship, and only disclosing certain parts of ourselves to those that will benefit from that knowledge. I see no reason to discuss all of my sexual preferences with my mother for example, because I don't see how that knowledge would benefit her in any way. Of course if I was gay and that was my personal identity, I imagine I would then, without a second thought.

I guess in short, what troubles me, is that if you continue to be the man who says what's on his mind and in his heart, regardless of the consequences, will you be required to serve a second prison sentence in the future for once again standing up for your beliefs. I realize that is an extreme example, but it's the best way I can illustrate what I'm getting at.

I just would hate to see your activism be self defeating all over again. In my mind, something will have to change in the way you approach your causes, but are you prepared to do that? And will your strong spirit of conviction allow you to do that..?

I must also acknowledge that 'my' views that I have shared with you here could be what upsets you so very much. It could be what you see as others lack of interest in changing the evils of the world, how evil reigns when good people say or do nothing. Perhaps my views seem extreme to you as at times yours do to me..?

This is a conversation I'm interested in having with you, simply because I believe we share the same views on matters that are important, but your willingness to self sacrifice is much greater than mine, and I want to understand you more. I fully respect someone who performs the role of an activist, but do they always suffer personally as a result of providing this service to our societies. You certainly appear to.

cont...

Could someone possess a little activism? or a little self-censorship? or are the two at different ends of a sliding scale. I guess I see us as opposite ends of the human spectrum in many ways, but with the same beliefs. Many of the things you do and say I greatly respect and in many ways, I wish I was more like you, but then I'm not an extremest by any means. And do I need to be to make any real difference?

You fascinate me Jeremy and I'm sure when you answer these questions I've posed to you, I'll probably just have more questions :)

I often comment on posts about how I like BtB for the way it shows us our similarities... but you are one person whose differences (to my nature), fascinate me.

Take care my friend.
Nicki

Hello again. It is friday evening and I sit here at home in the dark reading posts on this blog. I would like to correct one misconception. I did not tell my son that his cousin was gay to trick him into coming out. His cousin was gay and had finally told his family. He has had a very difficult time with it and ended up on drugs and has been in and out of rehab. In his late twenties he has no idea how to care for himself and he spends much of his time out of his mind. He recently threw a concrete block through his mothers car window. He is now in jail and may spend a couple of years in prison. His trial is coming up. His mother has tried to help him over the years. She paid for him to go to school for specialized training and she has taken him in several times. She bought a business for him and ended up having to sell it because he could not make a go of it. She has finally given up and told him that he cannot stay with her anymore. She is afraid of him because when he is on drugs he is completely out of his mind and get aggressive and abusive to get his way. I had thought for some time that my son was gay and when he finally told me about it I told him I loved him regardless of what he does or how he lives his life. When I bought a house two years ago all I could think about was being able to leave something for him. A place to go. A place to live when he leaves prison. I have never had any doubts that my son is very intelligent. He is making a difference for other people even while in prison. I have known all of his life that he was going to do aomething very important some day. I knew it more than I knew how to breath and he is on his way to doing that even from the depths of hell where he has been for a while now. My son thinks that I wrote something on here and that I tried to hide who I was. After the prison returned my letters and books that I sent I was afraid he would not get what I wrote if they knew it was me. So I wrote enough to let him know that it was me but to assure he would get the post. There were times that he went through traumatic events while being transferred all over the country. I have tried to visit but the officials always tell me no. I am not sure why they will not let me visit. The entire time he has been in for the last charge I have not been allowed to visit. I signed up on a web site where families post information about their own family members that are in prison. I was hoping that someone would help me figure out who to talk to that could help me get a visit.

I posted something on a web site about law and was hoping a lawyer would offer to help me figure out how to secure a visit. I am finally getting phone calls from my son. Only once a month but I am so thrilled to get them. He has been away from me for such a long time and I retreated into my house and myself because it has hurt me more than anything I have ever been through in my life. Things were not supposed to be this way. As much as I went through while he was young I never walked away from him. People tried to get me to do that. I had a conversation with a counselor one time. I talked to her for about two hours telling her why I needed help for him. After two hours she looked at me and said that she could not believe that we had been through so much but not once in the two hours did I say that I was ready to walk away. A probation officer once told me that I needed to sign my rights away so they could put him in a state facility because she said I was not going to be able to control him. I let her talk and then I let her have it. I told her she had no business telling me how to parent. When I walked out of the conference room in the courthouse people actually clapped. My mother left five children and we never saw her again. I was eight. It has influenced my life in more ways than I care to admit and was not something that I ever got over. I will NEVER completely abandon my son although he feels so much animosity toward me for so many things. Yes I rarely write to him. I have auto payments set up so that he gets a few dollars each month. It isn’t much. So when I bought this house I realized that I would be eighty years old when it is paid off if I live that long. But it will be a place for him to go that he cannot be run out of. I worry that he will have issues if he tries to get a decent job or if he tries to rent an apartment. I am older and I do not know how long I will be alive. Maybe not long enough to see him leave prison. But I want to go to my grave knowing that I am leaving him something that will give him shelter. My family left me nothing. I work and take care of myself. My son has not been in a position to do that but I will do whatever it takes to keep working and to pay for this house because it is really the only thing I can do for him because of where he is. He is my precious son and I do not care what others I think, if he is gay, if he is in prison because he is the most important thing that I have ever done in my lifetime. Nothing else compares. I still believe he will do something very important someday. He is doing important work already. When I read the responses and letters that he sends it is heartbreaking because he is so very angry with me for so many things. He has been that way for years. The only thing he has wanted to do since he was about ten was to do anything and everything to stay away from me.

He preferred to be anywhere but our home. I cannot change what has happened over the years. I made a lot of massive mistakes because of the walls that I put up from being abused and hurt from the time I was born. My mother used to leave the house and stay gone for hours. She had four children at the time. I was only 6 and two of my brothers were in diapers. I had to learn to cook and change their diapers at a very early age. I came close to setting the house on fire once. Then suddenly she was gone. My father had no ability or desire to take care of us so we were split up to live with relatives. I will not go into the details about the abuse my sister and my younger brothers suffered at the hands of older cousins. One of those cousins ended up in prison for raping his son who had downs syndrome so that should show what type of character he had. There were other times that things happened to me at the hands of others and the woman who ended up taking us in was an aunt and she loved us but resented having to take care of us. I was often struck over and over again with fly swatters, shoes, etc. Pretty much anything that she could get her hands on. It was humiliating to go to school with marks on my body from that. As a teenager I was raped more than once by acquaintences and also by a stranger.

I had a very abusive relationship where I was beaten and degraded. Finally I had my son. I stopped dating when he was born. I went back to school and he was my world for years. Everything that I did, every hour that I worked, everything that we both endured was nothing compared to how much I loved him. When he lost trust in me and began to turn on me it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I lost him long before he was actually physically away from me. He used to tell me that I was with him physically but not emotionally. He said I was vacant. That was the only way that I knew how to be. I never had loving parents or family members so I never learned how to love and take care of someone. It does not make the ache in my heart any less because he is lost to me and although he says he loves me I know that he has a lot of hate and anger toward me. There were times when I thought he might kill me. I was afraid of him. There were times when he rushed at me and knocked me down. There were times when he hit me with his fist because he did not like what I did or said. He was a large teenager and adult and I could not defend myself against that. I never blamed him though and I never stopped loving him. He grew up in an unstable environment. My solution to fix things every time he got into serious trouble was to move. I took him away from schools, family, friends, etc and he cannot be blamed for the resentment that he has against me. To me I was saving him. I was doing the right thing. I now understand that I gradually destroyed him and would really love to take it all back. I want to visit him now and will be contacting authorities again in January about doing that.

He said in his post that he did not know where I was when he was raped, beaten, tried to commit suicide and in icu, etc due to being in prison. The prison does not call me when things happen and it is always long after the event that I hear about it. When he was in a prison in Texas I talked to multiple people at the prison and begged for a visit. I cried and asked her why I was being punished. She said well I could take it like that if I wanted to but I was never going to be given approval to visit. I cried an entire weekend over it. I told her I did not commit a crime but I was being treated that way. I told her that I had not seen him all the years he had been in because I was always told the same thing from every prison and he has been in several. What can we expect from a FEDERAL PRISON though? When it comes to the federal government they figure out how to do whatever they feel like doing and we just have to live with it. Maybe someone reading this will tell me how to get this changed so that I can visit in January. With things in the world happening the way that they are and based on what is in the bible I worry that it will happen. The world will finally end. We have had disasters, famine, pestilence, disease, and other things and it is all lining up like the predictions of the book of revelations. My son says he is an atheist and will probably have a chuckle at my belief but I do believe in God and when positive things happen in my life I say thank you to God. Even when it is something as simple as making it through a green light on city streets. So I need to close now. It is wonderful to have this place to post and to know that my son will eventually see it. I do not know if I can do anything that will truly mend his mind and his heart about the way that he feels and thinks about me. For now this is about all I can do though.

Hi Jeremy,

SO sorry I have just seen this and not replied before. I did have a very nice Christmas, thank you. Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your words, and anyone on BTB who enters into a conversation - it's not just one way on this site! It really makes the day feel more important when you know you can talk to someone on the other side of the world with such different life experiences and (sometimes) opinions. Anyway, just thought I would express my appreciation again. Keep writing!

All the best,

Elizabeth-Anne.