"Why?"

My life - the living hell. Where did it all go wrong? Drug, alcohol and sexual abuse - sure that all played a part. But others experience traumatic events and come out of it okay. So why not me? It's a question I often ask myself.
Why... How could I have let these terrible events happen? How did I get so OFF course to destroy so many lives? These are the questions that I go over and over in my mind, and that I can find no good answer to. Yes - I've been a total F- up from day one. A walking disaster area. But why? Why do I always make the bad decision? Why do I always choose the wrong damn path? Why?!
I reflect back on so many decisions that were just piss poor decisions. My situation here could be even worse than what it is. My co-defendant, the night he killed this man for his truck, was going to kill two other guys. Had he killed them... there's no doubt in my mind I'd have two more death sentences.
There's many instances in my life where things could have changed. In 1976 I was 8 years old, my mother had me seeing a psychologist, had I opened up and shared some of what was going on and had happened, maybe that would have been the turning point to get back on track.
In the summer of 1985, a childhood friend of mine had moved back into town, his sister had molested us when we were 6-7 years old. She was about 16 at the time. I said to him, "remember what Paula did to us?" And he looked at me terrified and said, "no, don't go there." I needed someone to talk to, and if he would have talked to me, maybe just maybe things would have turned. Cause I needed someone to talk to who had experienced this, not some damn psychologist who had no experience, just an education.
But there's so many incidences that I constantly reflect back on and think, why? Why couldn't things have taken a different turn? Guess this is destiny. It was just meant to be. Who the hell knows. Still doesn't keep me from reflecting back and saying, "why?!"

Ronald W. Clark, Jr.
November 18, 2012