Dec. 30, 2012

Another Day Begins

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by Jeremy Pinson (author's profile)
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ANOTHER DAY BEGINS
12/12/12

It is 5:00 a.m. December 12th and I cannot sleep. I am deeply depressed. I got a Christmas Card from my mother last night. It's the first time she's contacted me in over a year. I am happy that she did but it's also a sad reminder of the fact none of my family ever contacts me. Life is strange. As a child my whole family gathered at my Great Aunt Lois' house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I remember those days and am reminded of what it felt like to be loved. To be happy. Then as I got older my family all drifted off to different careers and locations. We are a more prosperous family now but there are no holiday get togethers. And I've been excommunicated. It's truly heartbreaking to me. I still love them and there's no worse feeling in the world than to love someone who doesn't love you back. I ponder these things on sleepless nights and in the early dawn. Sometimes silent tears crawl down my face. This is the greatest pain of all, even more so than being shot, beaten, sprayed with Mace or restrained for days. It is an endless dull ache in my chest. And now breakfast is here so I shall stop.

- Jeremy Pinson

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progdlp Posted 11 years, 11 months ago. ✓ Mailed 11 years, 11 months ago   Favorite
I am glad that you got the Christmas card. I have another one and I know it is after Christmas but I will send it anyway. I understand all too well how you feel about family. I rarely hear from our uncle in Kentucky and the one person who loved both of us unconditionally passed on. I sent an email to that uncle about not hearing from him for a while and he has not responded. I recently made up with my sister. She moved closer to me and we were able to go out for dinner together twice. I missed a call from her today because my cell phone battery was dead and I was trying to get the kitchen in order. I will call her tomorrow. I am not sure what happened recently. I have sought solitude for years and had no problem staying in my house for days. The only contact outside was people that I work with. I did not realize that my withdrawal was obvious at work because I keep these personal feelings and actions to myself. The review that I got recently was the worst I have ever gotten for my work. A lot of that has to do with pain medication that I take for back pain. Some days I take half a tablet and I add some otc to it to increase the effectiveness. I would like a comment from you about my posts which I hope you are getting. Do I write like I am on drugs? Do my posts make sense to you? He said he has seen others take medications and have issues. He says it is affecting my work.

progdlp Posted 11 years, 11 months ago. ✓ Mailed 11 years, 11 months ago   Favorite
My boss made a comment one day about me and the fact that I take the medication and it affects my judgment and my emails. He said that motor skills are affected and that people who are afraid to drive are going to be a problem at work. I had asked to work at home due to taking the pain medication and I told him I was concerned about driving after taking them. He thinks I am afraid because I am affected by the pills. Since I take them at 5:30pm each evening and do not take anything every morning until after arriving at work I do not think that I have a problem. My fear was due to it being illegal just like it is when you are drinking and if I got in an accident that may or may not be my fault the pill that I took the evening before would still be in system and I could end up in jail. Before I started taking the medication I fell asleep at the wheel and ran into the curb while traveling 45 miles per hour. It broke my hub cap into pieces. I had to replace the tire recently because it had a slow leak since the accident which was some time ago. The tire finally got worse and was almost completely flat. Thankfully someone at my work noticed the flat tire and called someone back in the building and that person emailed me that I had the flat.

progdlp Posted 11 years, 11 months ago. ✓ Mailed 11 years, 11 months ago   Favorite
Since it is dark early I probably would have missed seeing the flat on the passenger side and it could have been an issue. Anyway today is Sunday and I have taken the pain medication today due to working to clean up my kitchen and the back pain makes it difficult to stand still while I am cleaning at the sink. So I am under the influence right now. Please tell me what you think. Would you know I had taken something? Is it obvious here? I told him that I do not take the pills every day and I offered to show him the bottle. He declined to see it and I really did not feel like he believed me. So maybe sometime they will fire me and it all started with that bad review. After getting diagnosed with fibromyalgia and getting a prescription (Neurontin) I finally went from 4 hours sleep average per night to 6, 7, and 8 hours depending on when I finally go to bed. Tonight it is 10:50 and I will be getting up at 5:30am to get ready for work so 6 hours. I had lost sleep for a very long time due to arthritis and fibromyalgia pain. It was definitely affecting my health over those years and I think I would have died. I had a full body ache like the flu all the time. It was round the clock and went on for years. I had suicide on my mind a lot until I made the decision to change doctors.

progdlp Posted 11 years, 11 months ago. ✓ Mailed 11 years, 11 months ago   Favorite
The new doctor sent me to some specialists and I got the diagnosis and the medication. So I am now coming out of a cocoon hermit state. I started posting here and I began sending cards to my son again. I stopped working overtime at work because I finally realized that it is just a job and when I am gone someone else will take over the position. The last employer laid me off at ten years due to the loss of contracts with their customers. They had moved me more than once so that I could keep the job but finally the last ten percent layoff got me. It did not matter how much time I put in or how hard I worked or how much my boss liked me. I always got good reviews and my bosses always liked me. They defended me if an issue came up. But in the end it was my boss who called at 3 pm one day and told me I no longer had a job. I was devastated and moped around for about two months and then moved to the state that I am in now. I worked as a temp at this job and got hired after ninety days and now have ten years there. So now the tide has turned. I may get fired. I am 54 and not sure how well I will be able to find another job. I have finally learned my lesson and my time will be spent taking care of my dogs and my birds and trying to get my very messy house in order.

progdlp Posted 11 years, 11 months ago. ✓ Mailed 11 years, 11 months ago   Favorite
I will spend that time posting here and mailing cards to my son because I love him and miss him and in the end although he is very angry with me I do think he loves me and would do what he could to protect me once we are reunited. I hope I live until 2025 to find out. Jeremy I love you dearly. I sent extra money to you for Christmas and the check has cleared the bank so I hope you are getting the money. Love you. Your greatest fan is back.

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