1347 12.25.2012

"Black Christmas"

Another Christmas in prison. Terrible day. The only difference between today and any other day in prison is it's a "holiday schedule", which sucks and no one's at work so the yard/showers are way more crowded. On so many Xmas's we are locked down due to "staff shortages". So far today we are NOT locked down but it's only 8am. We'll see how things go this afternoon. Actually I can't remember an Xmas where we HAVEN'T been locked down for part of the day if not all of it. Last year we were locked down all day and they wouldn't even run phone calls. That takes NO extra staff. There's ALWAYS a gunner in the tower and the phones are right under him and he is the one who controls the calls so there's no excuse for not letting people call their families on Xmas. Not that I like calling "home" on this day but my mom likes me to call her on Xmas so I try to call every year. That really can't help the mood of the day, having your only living son call you from prison where he's doing a life sentence, but if Mom wants me to call on Christmas I'll keep doing so. By the way, the phones here have been working fine for months, then, mysteriously, the phones are "down" TODAY! Yeah, right. I am 100% absolutely positive that the problem is a hate-filled guard in the tower that is vindictive enough to want to dog us out on this day. Merry Christmas, motherfucker! Now go die! Am I a little cynical and jaded? Of course. But am I wrong? Doubt it. There's a recording system inside the tower that records all five phones. All a guard has to do is call the Sgt's office and say that the system's not recording correctly to get the phones declared "down" for the day. Or at least till 2pm at the next shift. I've seen that several times where 2nd watch (6am to 2pm) claims the phones aren't working and 3rd watch will come on and they SOMEHOW are working perfectly! Imagine that! Then again, maybe it isn't ALWAYS done out of spite & hate. I'm sure it's sometimes due to stupidity. You wouldn't believe how simple-minded and ignorant some of these "pickle suits" are! (That name comes from their green jumpsuits). Not ALL guards, of course, but SO many are "challenged". I think if you tallied the median IQ of all Calif. prison guards you'd be LUCKY to break 70 points! And that's if half of them cheated! Quack quack!

I've been hearing people in here saying "Merry Christmas" all morning. I don't get it. There's nothing merry about it to me. It's the most dreariest day of the year. I guess some of these people don't feel as imprisoned as I do. Maybe they have Stockholm syndrome. I'll forever feel like a hostage until the day I walk out of here. This day is hell for me mostly because I can't be there for my sons. I can take anything the state throws at me but it kills me to know that my kids are being punished also. The state took their father from them. No matter what I did, and I've went over that already... as far as I'm going to. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I remember back when I was a teenager my Dad told me he's never killed anyone. I thought that was a kind of weird thing to say but I remembered it all my life and I can also say that I have never taken anyone's life. I understand more what my Dad was saying, and it's a good thing to tell your son. It's had me thinking all my life. You never want to deprive someone of their life (obviously), but there's more to it than that. No matter the good, the bad and the ugly things you do, NOT killing anyone is a great thing. It's something that can't be taken back and it's also something that affects someone's whole family. How terrible would it be to kill someone's kid or brother or father? That's an evil thing and it's essentially what the state has done to my kids and family. I may as well be dead. I can't be there for my sons, to teach them, to help them, to support them. To warn them of the marvels and perils of falling in love with red-headed women! My biggest regret is that I haven't been there for my kids. I've never taken anyone's life and I don't deserve having my life taken. My sons don't deserve that.

I was talking to my ex-wife Ellen @ Ape Leather the other day and we kind of had a "misunderstanding" about some things. She said it's my fault I'm in here. That kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I'm not stupid. I know it was my actions that caused my arrest, but my charge only carries 4 yrs MAX. And if the so-called victim hadn't lied and fabricated details I wouldn't even have that. It was more like self defence or at least defence of my girl. The additional years, a total of 32 to life, is completely unwarranted. It's an attack by the state. I'll NEVER feel it's "on me" because I don't have this coming. Once I finished that initial 4 years my "debt to society" came to an end. Now it's just revenge against me. I've never deprived anyone of their life and I don't deserve to have mine taken. Didn't I just say that? I must feel pretty strongly about it. Do you feel the same way? I was pretty surprised that Ellen felt the way she did but I'm also pretty sure if SHE was the one on the bottom of the pile getting kicked in the face she'd want me to do whatever it takes to save her. And of course I would. Fuckin' Captain Save-a-Ho!

So anyway... rantin' and ravin'. That's how I've spent my Xmas morning. I can't be there for my kids so there's no reason this is anything but another day held hostage. I'll celebrate when I'm released.

Reck

PS: I just read this over (it's 7:30pm now) and it sounds pretty negative and cynical. I would just like to say for the record that I'm not always in that state of mind. I'm actually usually in a pretty good mood despite my circumstances. I have to do my best to stay semi-happy because being negative all damn day long will poison me into being someone I don't want to be. I don't want the state to turn me sour. But being in "one of those moods" inspires me to write & gt stuff off my chest. I've been known to give "good letter" but this is the wrong forum for that!