July 23, 2013
Reality Bites...

So this week sucks big time. I was slapped in the face by reality, and I have no one to blame but myself and the a**hole who I still love for some reason but know that I can't ever be with again, as my level of self-respect will not allow me to! But believe me when I say that my self-respect is battling with my insecurities big time.

The gentleman I have been with for the last seven years has recently informed me that now it's time for him to go home (next year). He no longer feels that we can be together outside of this environment. We have been making plans for the last five years of our relationship, and I actually fooled myself into thinking that this was more than it was. I do not doubt for one minute that he loved and still loves me. He has given me an extended family whom have accepted me wholeheartedly. He has made sure I want for nothing. He has introduced me to family and friends, and has generally been a good man for our whole time together, which makes it all that harder. If he was a jerk or something, I could be like, "Oh well."

We have both had deaths in our families that we have helped each other over, and we have shared some of the most intense things together. Having a relationship in prison is intense in itself, but having one that lasts seven years is almost unheard of. We have had our share of pus and downs, and we have even broken up once or twice, but we always found our way back to one another.

He is a lifer inmate who has been locked up since an early age. So does he deserve a chance at life? Yes. Does he deserve a chance to explore his hetero side? YES. Would it be the right thing to do? NO. And therein lies the problem.

I'm okay in here but not on the streets, is essentially what he said. How would you not let your insecurities run wild with that one? She has a vagina, and I can't compete with that. :)

I want to be mad at him and break things and tell him that he's an A**, but I find myself being politically correct and being the bigger person. I DON'T want to be the bigger person. I want to be a bitch. I just can't. Maybe, on some level, I always knew that this would happen. When is it my turn to find someone who thinks I'm good enough just the way I am? When is it my turn to win?

I know that this is not anyone's fault and we are both victims of circumstance, but that does not make it hurt any less and it does nothing to elevate the inner struggle with wanting to place blame somewhere else but at my feet. It can't be anything I did, as I'm too fabulous. :) I guess this will make some great inspiration for some new poetry.

What really sucks about all of this is I have to see him and interact with him every day. He does not leave until next year. I have decided not to get involved with anyone else here as I can't handle anything like this again. I will resign myself to singlehood for the rest of my stay.

In his own way, he is a great guy. I think we could have had a great life together. It would have been a struggle but what a fun time we would have had living in a rundown apartment, working, saving, finally making a life for ourselves against all odds. What a great love story it would have been. I'm finding it difficult to move on, even though my words sound brave. I feel like I'm dying inside and that I was somehow cheated out of the life I had imagined for both of us.

This environment is not conductive to emotions, and there is no one for me to talk to as I have no girlfriends here. There are only two transgenders here and we are not on the same yard. So I'm on my own with this one. I don't want to write my family and try to explain because it's not a situation that is easily understood or explained. This is a different world and normal rules do not apply.

Well, thanks for listening and I hope that everyone is having a great day as you reading this.

Love through struggle

Terra Okey V-51327
P.O. Box 92 B2-13-03L
Chowchilla, CA 93610