Self Forgiveness

Step One: Acknowledging the Truth

The truth is that nobody judges me as harshly as I judge and condemn myself for all the selfishness which carelessly traumatized so many other people, who ironically have all long since forgiven me. Hell, I've forgiven many others for their selfish carelessness in the past too... So it is a terrible thing that it always takes so long for me to forgive myself.

Whether others "qualified" to receive my forgiveness was never really an issue. In fact, I don't recall anyone ever expressing their shame or sorrow or anything - asking me to forgive them. I have always simply accepted that life is an experience where mistakes are sometimes made, and I can't hold a grudge against anyone I truly care about.

So why didn't I apply that same standard to my own "mistakes"? What did I get out of holding onto my self condemnation? I got stuck in those places, and I gave up learning the lessons in those mistakes. I gave up going on with my life. I gave up on myself.

Step Two: Taking Responsibility for What You've Done

This is exactly what all of my self condemnation is based upon! My careless mistakes - my selfishness, has traumatized other people who didn't deserve those experiences in their lives. I am responsible for that!

Step Three: Learning from Experience by Acknowledging the Deeper Feelings that Motivated Behaviors for which you Feel Guilty.

This is where addressing that letter (Who am I really?) to the inner child becomes useful. Realizing that the wounded inner child is responsible for destructive behavior, and addressing the unresolved pain and toxic shame that fueled the sense of powerlessness which lead to the drug abuse - the abuse of power - and other self destructive behavior, is crucial in breaking the chain of hurt people hurting people. My letter to young Billy boy, gave me some hindsight perspective on the pain, anger and insecurity behind many of the events in my life - allowing me to learn what motivated those behaviors which caused the perpetual guilt and corresponding shame I've condemned myself to suffer over the years.

Step Four: Opening Your Heart to Yourself

Just as it is so easy for me to forgive others their selfish mistakes, I am able to see the shamefully selfish experiences of my life as mistakes which I regret involved other people. As sorry as I truly am for all the suffering I've caused, I've grown from those experiences and I must move on with my life - hoping others have as well.

Step Five: Healing Emotional Wounds by Heeding the Inner Calls for Love in Healthy and Responsible Ways

Attending Self Awareness and Recovery groups, and involving myself in ennobling spiritual studies, permit me to mature and develop interpersonal relationships where I intend to display my best - and bring out the best in others.

Step Six: Aligning with the Self and Affirming Your Fundamental Goodness.

My self awareness and spiritual disciplines; my life affirming letters to others; my artwork gifts and encouraging examples to inspire others, all express some degree of that fundamental goodness, endeavoring to amend the ignorant acts of yore.

On the other hand... this six-step exercise toward self-forgiveness will never undo what I've done as far as failing other people. I am so sorry.

Nevertheless, I'm so tired of listening to Metallica "ONE" incessantly echoing in the deepest depths of my soul, that I simply must let go of my past life and accept my (PRESENT?) life in exile - where I may perhaps be better suited to provoke others to come to terms with their own accountability...

For the love of truth.

Noblesse Oblige