Daniel Gwynn Blog Update
Date: 4/15/14
Subject: "Trying to Belong"

Is it me? What's wrong with me? Why does it seem so difficult for me to find a place to belong? I've constantly asked myself this.

I've suffered the abuses and criticisms dished out by every friendship I've ever sought. I've endured their shortcomings and bit my tongue in fear of being rejected, and I thought that that's what was required of me to belong. I've been called out of my name, stupid, ignorant, contrary, anti-social, and much worse. I took these criticisms to heart and attempted to change accordingly every time, but it wasn't enough for them because there was always something else. I know that if I had called [redacted] any of them out of their names like they've done me, they'd be ready to fight. I've been called disrespectful, out of pocket, and getting full of myself because they've considered me to be beneath them and not on their level to criticize in kind. When I've expressed my dislike with their harsh criticisms, I was declared to be soft and sensitive because they were "just kidding" and it was all out of fun. The hurtful things that were coming out of their mouths didn't sound like fun to me.

In these situations, I've often flashed back to the time of my abusive stepfather who would constantly berate and beat me and my mother for his drug-addled amusement. I suffers as if I was that same little boy being berated and abused by my stepfather all over again. I see these rap artists in the Ultimate Freestyle Friday battle rapping, and I don't see how someone doesn't walk away with bad feelings the way they be mouthing off about a man's woman, mother and some vicious assaults that are outright threats. And we're sitting around applauding these violent declarations like they've displayed the skills of a true artist.

Although I am much stronger today and learned to fight back or walk away, the scars still have their impact which causes me to retreat and isolate myself. There's so many ways to have fun without bully and putting people down, so I've chosen to distance myself because it's too much work trying to belong.

Daniel Gwynn