Spring/Summer 2014
April 17, 2014

The orange was bright and spilling out all over the blues. Rolling and colliding into one another as so many suns in an imagined galaxy, a live here now and I will live where then? Your laughter and love was why I lived at all, the deep sweet smell of your hope, you had understanding, even if you occasionally fell apart.

Do you still think of me with anger? Do you still imagine I owe you what I never had?

I will always love you. I think of you often. Your black, blonde, red, brunette hair waving goodbye to me. Your brown eyes killing me with your non-belief. You have every right to hate me, I'm not some wannabe rapper in a magazine, in the real thing, so you kill my baby. The pain robs the bank. Money too numb, the heartache, more time than a mass killer. A flower grows in the mud.

I hated my ignorant heart in my hands. Fix this, please fix this. I hurt the ones I love. I'm not worth a nickel. The train goes on by after it killed Sandra and Willy. Do you hear that violin? That's Willy Gray, playing.

Randy Chaplin died on Moonlight Beach. The back ally of 4th Street, Eneinites, the dolphins swan close to the beach that spring day. You laughed and said, "You sure have a funny way of thinking." Randall used to say, "You don't have a very firm grasp on reality." I said, "We each have our own reality."

If only I would have seen the horror of my future. I did not have any grasp of realities. It's alright, Ma. It's life and life only. And I'm so very sorry. For when Danny beat up Theresa. For when Chris busted into Larry's house. For the pain and suffering that Karen endured because of me. For leaving Laurie all alone at 3 AM, so cold. For the crimes that are committed. Please forgive me. I apologize. For Roseanna, all alone. Dear lord, let me.

I'll only see who wants to see me. I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

God bless,
Randy Chaplin