"How I Do My Life Sentence"

How does a man do a life sentence in prison? I look out my back window everyday and night. Do you want to know what I see? I can see a big electric fence. I watch guards and doctors, prison staff alike, walking from a part of the prison into an area where I see them walk to their cars in the huge parking lot. I watch them open their car doors and then undress. They take off that hot Kevlar vest first, put it in their car, then get in and drive away. I watch them walk and talk and hug each other. They seem very happy. After all, can you imagine how much $ they just made today? It's a real disgrace the amount they make when they do no work my friends. It's called the Fleecing of America.

I have 23 years experience behind these California Prison Walls. I have 20 years in straight. I have a 2055 parole date. How do I do it knowing I can't do that much time, can you? No, of course not, no human could. Should the state of California have had some mercy on me, would it have been better to just take my life? What would you have wanted? I'm a man that hasn't touched a female in 20 years. Lifers are not allowed family visits.

I am 44 years old, I have long hair down to my ass. I have tattoo's from head to toe. I'm healthy as you can ever be. I have been exercising for 23 years. I do pull ups, push ups, you get the idea. I'm a good looking guy. I'm a nice, respectful, well raised man. I have been single all of these years due to having a life sentence.

Am I a bitter lifer? No, I smile and laugh each and every day. I live in a cage the size of a gas station bathroom. It's been that way for 23 years. I have no choice but to be happy. I won't allow they system to break me. They will never see any emotions out of me. Even when they beat me with a billy club and spray pepper spray down my throat. The guards come to my cell, my home, and stand at my door, make me take off all of my clothes, spread my ass cheeks looking for what they call contraband, when really it's on to attempt to degrade me. They get their kicks, I'm sure of it. Homosexual guards are allowed to strip out inmates, how is that legal? They take whatever they want out of my cell. They toss it up with disrespect. Put boot prints on photo's of my deceased loved ones. Spill coffee on the floor, leave my cell like a tornado came through. I have to clean up the mess. It takes a few hours. Legal paper work everywhere, mixed up my court documents that have to get to the judge in a few days. May lose my court battle due to destroyed documents. Do I ask the guard why? Do I talk shit to him? No. If I did then he would just do it again because he can. Remember, I may live in this cage but the tax payers of California own this cage. I just breath in it "really". After all, this disrespect do I show any emotion? Fuck no.

So how would you do your life sentence? Could you do it like me or how do you think you would do it? Do you want to give it a try? I'm sure you don't, besides that, I doubt your man enough let alone tough enough. Do you want to hear the things that have passed me by out there since I have got my life sentence? It might take a few pages to tell you about it. Are you ready? Or would you rather get back to that life that all of you take for granted?

This is how I do my life sentence, I do without. It's day after day of the same ol' bullshit. Guards count me like I'm cattle and look at me like I'm a sicko or a sex offender. Some guards may think I'm a murderer. I'm none of the above.

Here, lets start off without pulling any punches, in other words, lets put it all out there, keep it real. Is that what the kids say these days?

First of all, to the things I've lost out on due to my life sentence. I have never been married. I got two women pregnant, both had miscarriages. I have never had children. I have never had a California drivers license, never owned a car. Never had a ticket of any kind. Quit school in the 10th grade, got my GED in prison. Here is a tough one, I haven't had sex in 20 years. Just sit back and let that sink in. Even more than no sex, I miss loving a woman. Being in love.

I have lost loved ones this last 20 years. My mother died of a stroke in 1995. Stepdad died of grief, that's how much he loved her. He had a massive heart attack a month after he lost his wife, my mom. It was very, very sad.
Both of my aunts, a cousin.

I have 2 older brothers, my middle brother Jerry don't even write or talk to me. He don't care. I have a niece named Cindy. She is beautiful, smart, kind, a wonderful mother. She is my angel. We haven't met yet but we will. She is the best. She has two sons, they are so cute. Her husband is a good man. My brother Levi raised me, him and his wife Robin. They are my parents and they believe in me and are the most important people in the world to me. They never gave up on me. I owe them my life. They can do no wrong in my eyes. I couldn't ask for a better, caring family. It's all I got left!

I thought when I was on the streets I had friends but who wrote letters to me when I got arrested. No one wrote to me. Everyone of them that I ever knew cut me loose. Here it is, 20 years later, two decades people...WOW! "Screw You People". I have a funny feeling someone will take time out and read this and, just maybe, I'll have a friend. Does anyone want to be my friend?

I was just thinking I have been locked up so long that I don't even know how to use a cellphone. Don't know how to turn it on, let alone off. I've missed out on so much.

Would I like to fall in love again? Yeah, who wouldn't? But who wants a lifer? What do I have to offer really? You tell me what perfect ol' man, do to you, will always know where I am at night. Can't have sex so I couldn't cheat, I wouldn't anyway. I would give you a lot of attention, a lot of love. But there's so much that I can't provide due to me being in this cage. Does a female take a chance on getting to know a lifer? I would say yeah. I have known inmates that have wives, kids, etc. with lifers. They make it work. You come visit on the weekends and do whatever it is you do out there. I'm locked up and don't know what my mate does out there. It's all about trust.

I'm 44 and I'm still single. I would never be single out there. There is way too many females out there who are in need of love but they don't know me. All lifers are different. The only difference is that we are not inmates with parole dates. Do I believe I will get my sentence cut in half or reduced to amount of time so that I could go in front of the Board of Prison Terms? The BPT owns me. They say rather I live here forever than allow me another chance. It's a real bitch knowing that the BPT has all the control over my life. Yes, unfortunately the state of CA owns me, I'm state property. Wow I'm a modern day slave.

Check this out, it costs the public, the tax payers, $62,300.00 per year to keep me behind bars. I have over 2 decades in. Do the math, lets see, it's what $1,432,900.00, I have already cost the state 1.5 million. Wow, I didn't realize that. I got to tell you, there's a whole state full of lifers in here who are angry. The state want all lifers to stay in prison forever. It's the truth and it's disgusting.

I have met so many angry lifers, you wouldn't believe it. I keep my mouth shut. I keep my emotions to myself. I have days when I think the state should kill me or allow me to go home to my family, my loved ones. Being a lifer is one of the tough, tough things to endure. My family asks "How do I do it?". Well I think of the love of family and that keeps me strong, I know in my heart that I'm a good person and I'm doing life because of someone else. I will get a parole date someday and when they let me out I will enjoy what is left of my life. My family knows I'm a good, honest, respectful man with morals and respect for everyone. I honestly believe that I'll be allowed to parole to my family. I wish I had an idea of when.

I was talking to my brother on the phone the other day. He was on his way to go snorkeling and taking underwater photo's. He gave me his word that he has a plane ticket to Hawaii for me and I can go live with him. he will give me a job and place to stay. So think about this for a second, I'm a lifer who's brother has a ticket for me to fly to Hawaii. Not just a vacation, I'm going to live in Hawaii. What a cruel, cruel world it is.

It's 11 pm so I'm going to call it a night. I'm glad that I wrote this let tonight. Write more later.

Donnie

Hello everyone, it's Sept. 27th, 5 pm count. Just cleaned. I guess I'll go to work at 5:30 am. I am a kitchen worker, I'll most likely start my pay at 18 cents per hour. It's slave labor. Just think, I owe $10,00.00 in restitution and the state of CA take 55% of any money sent to me or any money I make working for this state. You do the math, they fuck me. I would rather not have pay. They should give the lame 18 cents pay to an inmate who doesn't have restitution. As if it wasn't enough to give me 68 years to life, they have to give me $10,000.00 restitution. I have been down 20 years and I still owe $8,500.00, something like that. Any how, I'll write and post the results of my kitchen job. I won't like it but I will most likely be the best, hardest man working in the kitchen. So we have two white men working and the rest of them sitting around, getting a free ride as usual.

I always keep it real! Truth hurts my friends!

Donnie