Oct. 17, 2011


by Allan Lummus


FROM: 23038076
TO: [redacted]
SUBJECT: MP 14 Continuation 9-11 Stimulus
DATE: 10/04/2011 06:33:19 PM

9-11 Stimulus... continued

Ignorance is a devastatingly accurate description of my psychological and spiritual state during the entirety of 2001-2009. By refusing to address my internal existential crisis, I projected the crisis outside me and onto spouse, marriage, job. I sought pleasure through pleasurable activities like music, sex, internet, and activism.

The path of ignorance led to pain and suffering not only to me, but for my loved ones too. Particularly for my spouse, son, parents, and siblings. Much harder to handle.

On the one hand, I am in a much better place today than I have been in my whole life. Prison forced me to face my crisis of self. With all my illusions lying shattered on the floor, I began to reluctantly view myself more honestly for the first time. The past three years allowed me to build from scratch an accurate self that sustained me through the first two years of prison. Today, I have a daily path that both reinforces my strengths and addresses many of my weaknesses.

But, on the other hand, my exuberance with new growth is tempered by grief. Grief in the loss of a marriage, partner, friend in C. Failing to be that good husband who stays with her through it all. Failing to be that good friend whose shoulder could be cried on. Failing to be. Succeeding in destroying the trust we had in us, her in me. In not being. Haunted by the loss in her eyes as we said goodbye for the first and only time in a prison visiting room.

Goodbye, my love. Goodbye, my heart. Goodbye. Tear. Next? Silence.

Mindful Prisoner


Replies (2) Replies feed

ggrider Posted 12 years, 6 months ago. ✓ Mailed 12 years, 6 months ago   Favorite
This is a devastating piece of writing. The author has bared his soul in a readable style, and the reader can only marvel at his courage, while feeling sympathetic to his plight.

A tribute to the power of the written word. Keep it up, Allan.


Allan Lummus Posted 12 years, 4 months ago.   Favorite
(scanned reply – view as blog post)

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