The Dreary Weapon

It was the morning of August 14, 1998, the beginning of my life sentence in jail. Oh my God, it was a rough night. I lay under my blanket all night crying. I would just mumble slightly under my breath, I don't even know what happened to my son. I would like to know, Lord. Show me, Lord. I pray. Next thing I hear, count time and me waking up at 5 AM. We had to stand beside our bunk beds as the jailers counted us.

After they counted us, we remained up, getting ready for our day. We showered with our little hotel soap. We had a list of who cleaned up daily. Whoever cleaned up for that day got the TV. Next, the first door slid open then the second door. It was the male trustee and jailer bringing us our breakfast, which was nasty. The coffee was dark with no sugar nor creamer. Two old and hard pieces of sausage. Distasteful eggs and grits. In a wannabe biscuit.

In my mind, I was thinking what the hell did I do to deserve this BS. I had forgot all about Christ for a moment. Man, what is next? All of a sudden, the jailer came in collecting all of our blankets, sheets, clothes, and shoes. We had to be in quarantine because one of the male inmates came in with crabs. Yo! By the second day, I was tired of all of this foolishness. But what can I do? I am stuck.

The C-Cell I was in was nine women bunk upstairs and nine women downstairs. I mostly knew everyone in the cell except for Sofia, who was doing two years in the county. Also, I didn't know this chick name Lynn who was doing three years in the county. So my days went somewhat like this for three months in the Decatur County Jail. I would play cards with my cousin Laura and friend girls like Carolyn and Sweet Pollie. In my other spare time, I would study my Bible, socialize sometimes, go to bible study on Wednesday. Last but not least, I would watch people come in an out of the county jail very often. Basically repeated offenders. Sundays I would have visitation with my family.

Every day I was in county jail, I dreaded being in this place. I felt like crawling into a hole and just dying. I cried myself to sleep every night. What have I done to deserve a life sentence for something I don't know about? Please, somebody help me. I began to question what kind of God would let an innocent person suffer. A mother who wants to know what really happened to her son Joshua. Where does this end?

Oh no, who done pissed in this woman's cereal today? Sofia and Lynn were fighting and cursing each other out. I ought to throw you down the stairs, Lynn said. Man, I was asleep, finally getting some good sleep. Why in the hell am I being woken up to this foolishness?

So the jailer came in, handcuffed both of them crazy women behind women. Took them to lockdown. I asked my cousin Laura what the fight was over. She said cleaning up and TV. I was pissed off, yo!

Well, it's November 1, 1998. My cousin Laura was waiting to go to prison just like I was. My cousin Laura and friend Carolyn got shipped off to prison in the middle of Sunday night. My cousin and I had never been in trouble with the law. Now, we both headed off to prison. Wow! This is crazy, I must say. Laura hugged me; she said goodbye that Sunday night. She said hopefully we will meet up again on this journey. Department of Correction shipped her to Metro State Prison diagnostic where she remained for three weeks. By the time I got shipped in December 1998 to Metro State Prison diagnostic, my cousin was shipped to Pulaski State Prison. I felt like the umbilical cord had been cut.

Because, seriously, now I don't have nobody. Most of my family had already turned their backs on me. God, I know you said you wouldn't leave me nor forsake me. My tears increased every night. Every time all the other inmates would go to pavilion or yard call, I would stay in the dorm alone and just cry. I would tell the Lord, please do not let me become bitter in my circumstances, with the guards or the other inmates around me.

During my days at Metro State Prison diagnostic, up until December 18, 1998, it was hard. We marched day in and day out. Cert team was always making us talk to a tree. We had to do PT exercises at 4 AM in the morning. Women was slipping into each other's beds having sex while the guards were in the booth. Some of the women tried to approach me, talking about, "Baby, I can make you feel better." The women would say you are so cute, sex yard fine. I would say I have a husband. There is nothing you can do for me.

Oh my Lord, I am paining on the inside. Why me? I would just cry and cry. I started going to church at Metro, but I would still feel dreary and sad. I felt like there was a dark cloud over Metro State Prison. I was ready to get out of this place. I would love to go to Pulaski State Prison where my cousin Laura was.

Finally, December 18, 1998, they told me to pack it up. When I got to ID, there was two correctional officers present on each side. One set of correctional officer was from Pulaski State Prison. The other set was from Washington State Prison. The ID correctional officer said, "Inmate Jennifer Johnson, you get on the side with the Washington State Prison officers." When she said that, my heart dropped with aching pains. I said in my mind, "I don't know nobody there. What am I going to do?"

I slightly had tears in my eyes. I am already suffering for something I didn't do. Now I can't be with my cousin. Come on, Lord. I have no one. As I rode this bus to Washington State Prison, I had all kinds of mixed emotions going on. I just wanted to crawl into a hole, to isolate myself from everyone and everything. When I got to Washington State Prison. I did just that. I was assigned to the intake dorm G-2.

Oh my Lord, do I really have to live with this female? I don't know. You know, majority of females talk too much and are nosy. Ooo, I dreaded this craziness. I've already made up my mind to isolate and not to talk to anyone. This roommate tried to build a relationship with me. Cindy would say, where you from? Somewhere! Why you want to know? Huh! I would say. Then she would say, "Do you have family?" Some, why? Cindy began to get into a debate with the officers! I am glad I didn't befriend this chick.

Because one morning, Cindy was cursing the officer who was assigned to our dorm. All of a sudden, the officer began cursing Cindy back out. The officer wrote Cindy a disciplinary report. Cindy was due to be in district court the following week. District investigator called me to do a statement for officer and inmate. I wrote politely a no comment available (NCA) 'cause both of them was wrong, and I do not want to get into a mess. Eventually, Cindy went home.

I got classified for a detail. They put me on laundry detail. Wow, this is cool. I never worked in a real laundry. The very same day I got moved to F-2, which is a regular population dorm. My roommate was Ann. Oh no, not another female. This big 6'5" albino woman said, "Hello, I am Ann." I said hello, I don't like to talk. I was saying my mind. Lord, you are really funny. This is whack! So Ann left the room.

I put my things up and made my bed. I got relaxed and pulled my prayer books and Bible out. Then I took my shower. It was so relaxing because, at diagnostic, we had no shower doors or curtains. Thank God we had shower doors here. In a tub, wow! I went downstairs shortly after my shower to get some water and ice. This strange girl came to the water fountain and said, "Do you know who you live with?" I said no. She said, "This is the woman who cut up her newborn baby, cooked, and fed him to her husband."

Suddenly, invisibly, I began to shake in fear. Lord, I am scared. What am I going to do? I slept that night but not peacefully. I kept waking up scared in the middle of the night. I would quote Psalm 591. I would say to myself, "God got you, Jen Jen, so don't fret."

It's morning again. Wake up count 5 AM by your doors. Next count cleared, time to go to chow hall to eat. Then to my detail in the laundry. I was excited about being in the laundry until the detail officer would begin to harass me daily. Every day, she would find something wrong with whatever I was doing. Would send me back to my dorm. My detail officer couldn't stand my guts. If I laugh or talk to anyone, that would give her a reason to send me back to my dorm. I told myself, "I am going to give my detail officer to the Lord. God will take care of my enemies."

All of sudden, one morning, we had the laundry buggies lined up to go get the laundry from the dorms. We normally leave out the laundry at 6 AM, at least, to pick up laundry from one side of the compound. My detail officer was in the same position in her chair, in the office, when it had turned 6:45 AM. We like, "Something is wrong." We seen a Sgt. walking by the laundry door going to count the dorms. The other inmates and I begin to bang on the door loudly. We got his attention and immediately he opened the door. The Sgt. went into the office to check on our detail officer. They had to call the ambulance because she couldn't move.

Later on, we found out that our detail officer had a light stroke. But that didn't stop her from continuing to be stubborn when she came back. She continued to be stubborn towards me. As always, I didn't disrespect her. I kept praying for her. Next thing we know, she begins to pass out (faint) and falling to the ground on a regular basis.

We, the inmates, would always be the one to get her help. After our detail officer would recover from each incident of sickness, she would get even more bitter and stubborn in a worse way towards me. So I kept praying and fasting. Lord, do something. I have not done nothing to this lady. One day, our counselor called me to her office. My counselor said, "Everybody who was in the laundry on AM and PM will be changed to the kitchen detail. Some will go to AM shift and some to PM." I received a schedule for PM shift. None of us knew what had happened. We all just know that God had worked a miracle.

Later one, we found out that a probationer had been hit in the head with an iron pitcher in the kitchen. Are you serious? Man, they don't suppose to be on the compound with state inmates. No way. They are boot camp, was housed in J-2 building. I was like so mad. But then I had to shake myself, remember all the hell you was going through with your detail officer. This was God's way of rescuing me from harm's way. Even though I didn't want to be in the kitchen. Thank you, Lord, for the miracle.

Jennifer Johnson, Jennifer Johnson, Jennifer Johnson! Mail call! When I was diagnostic, I never got mail because my dad was trying to recover from bailing me out of jail on this case. It was $20 money order. We could only spend $25 in the store in 1999. But things was so cheap. I can get me a lot of food. Yeah, yeah. I love to eat because they was not feeding us much.

Then I received two more letters. One from my mother-in-law. "Your son Wendell's asthma is getting worser. His lung was constantly filling up with fluid. The doctor had him hospitalized." I was hurt that I couldn't be there with my two-year-old son. I had to remind myself, "Just the way you prayed about that detail. God can work a miracle again." Then I received a letter from my husband/co-defendant. I thought it was something encouraging, but it wasn't. He was talking crazy.

I am like, "Lord, what else is coming my way? I am tired of going through this. Can I ever be happy?" All my life, every time I look around, I am going through a storm. Whether it's with people mistreating me, laughing at me, or setting traps. Are my family being attacked by Satan? To top it off, I am in prison for something I didn't do. This is awful.

Well, the year of 2000 has entered in. Wow, time has flown. Not knowing my life would almost end. I took sick. I was constantly having symptoms that would appear to be heart burn and some chest pain. I started to lose excessive weight. I would constantly go to medical. They would only give me Peptos for treating the indigestion. I felt that something was wrong with me. That worsens the indigestion. I kept telling medical, "I am real sick." They would say, "It's just indigestion." They insisted that I didn't know what I was talking about.

So one day, I was coming from the supply room. I began to get dizzy. Suddenly, I passed out. Couldn't remember nothing. When I woke up and I didn't know nothing, I had found out I was coming out of a coma after ten days in Milledgeville Hospital. After three more days in there, the state of Georgia said they had to take me back to the prison because I was costing the state of Georgia too much money.

I would learn through the doctor who found the problem that the other two doctors assigned to me gave up on me because they couldn't find out what was wrong with me. This doctor had found out that I had gallstone's the size of a grapefruit. The gallstone was rubbing up against all my major organs. The doctor said I had to have surgery ASAP.

How many know this was not the end of this storm?

I was taken back to Washington State Prison only to be sick for two more weeks. With the same symptoms. I was put into this room with a girl named Charlene. Charlene tormented and cursed me out, etc. Remember, I was frail and weak. This woman wanted me to clean the room and buff the floor. I couldn't even stand two seconds without being dizzy.

I went to the desk to tell our dorm officer to tell her my bunkmate Charlene was harassing me. Come to find out originally the plan was supposed to be that I was supposed to be housed in infirmary (medical) when I came back from the hospital. We found all this out when the officer called security about this situation. When the officer gets off the phone, she said, "You was supposed to go to infirmary, but there is no room. So pack your stuff. You're going to protective custody (segregation) in the lockdown unit." I stayed in the lockdown unit until they took me out for surgery.

I went in laser surgery to remove the gallstones at noon on a Wednesday at Georgia Baptist Hospital in Atlanta, GA. I came to from the medicine around 6 PM. It had worn off. The nurse kept telling me, "Don't use the bathroom because if you have a bowel movement, we are going to have to release you from the hospital." So at midnight, the officers took me out in the rain and cold weather. I only had a thin white jumpsuit on, with only my bra and panties underneath.

I was in so much pain because the doctor cut me in the navel and two cuts above my private area. I was taken back into the Metro State Prison infirmary, where the nurse was supposed to give me pain medication. I was in so much pain, all I could do was cry. When I rang the emergency button asking for the pain medicine, the nurse would ignore me.

All of sudden, this angel came to my room. It was the chaplain who took me under her wings when I first came through Metro Diagnostic. Chaplain began to rock me in her arms as she prayed for me and told me, "It's going to be okay." All of a sudden, around 2 AM, they moved me to dorm H-2. I was in so much pain, it took three people to get me to the dorm. Remember, I was supposed to go back to Washington State Prison. I had no personals or property. All I had was the bra, panties, and jumpsuit I was wearing.

Washington State Prison correctional staff were supposed to come and get me. But there was a no show. Oh my God, I was in so much pain till I couldn't even get out of bed. The warden and his inspection team came the next morning. Warden said, "What is going on here?" The other inmates began to explain. The warden said, "Someone is going to see about you or else they will not have a job."

Medical began to give me pain medication. The prison gave me some fresh clothes and supplies. My cellmates took care of me real good, and were friendly with their store goods. I became close to them in a short time. Suddenly, early the next morning, Washington officers came to get me.

During my times of illness, I got to see our people in society's true colors and how they feel about inmates. I had to go to a doctor in Atlanta, GA before I ever had my surgery. I remember getting off the prison bus being handcuffed and shackled. Everybody in the parking lot was looking and talking. Then, when I get into the building, people was looking and talking. The officers and I had to get in the elevator in order to get to my doctor's office. Do you know people would drop their belongings just to keep from getting on the elevator with me? It was so detrimental. One guy dropped his toolbox so he didn't have to get on the elevator with me. Wow.

That showed me how people in society are very judgmental. Will ostracize you just because you're in a prison uniform, handcuffed, and shackled. Not knowing whether that person's truly guilty. Or if that person had a sorry-behind public defender representing them. Before we judge anyone, it's good to know all the facts.

Nobody shouldn't be judging no one anyway. Because the society we live in today. Anyone can come into jail or prison and they're not even guilty. That really touched me, the way the people were ostracizing me. Didn't have a clue who I was or why was I in prison. All they seen was handcuffs, shackles, and white prison jumpsuit.

Finally, things was looking up for me 2001-2004. I hadn't seen my children in two years. I had been trying to get into court. Yes, hip-hop-hooray, my positive transfer went through to go into Pulaski State Prison. I would be closer to home. I can get more visits. Shortly after this, I was out of Washington State Prison and on my way to Pulaski State Prison on November 14, 2001.

After I arrived at Pulaski, I got to see my children and went out to court. Now I am on this journey at Pulaski. Lord, I hope this journey be better than the one I left. Slowly but surely, things began to happen. My money began to flow in from my church and Dad. My mother-in-law would do what she could. My marriage was getting better. I was part of the choir, praise team, in school, and had a good detail.

2004, I let my guard down because I am a person who believes in forgiveness and giving other people another chance. I allowed my whole immediate family to come visit me. Later on, though my transcript, I found out after fighting them for two years. I received them, those individual family members who came to see me, was one of the people who gave the police a false accusation against me and my husband. My own birth mother pushed everyone else up to lie on me. Which she has a long history of being that one who tries to inflict pain on me continuously.

On two occasions at visitation, my mom had witchcraft items on her. Mom's conscious was getting the best of her because she could not sit still. I could smell the satchet oil and powder on her. I was familiar with witchcraft because my mom used it since I was ten years old. Things began to get sour for me again 2004. So I decided to take my whole immediate family off my visitation list. Not only that, I had my mom's phone number in the system. She began to call down here at the Pulaski State Prison lying, saying that I was harassing her when she told me to call anytime.

The lesson I've learned is to forgive, but I don't have to deal with my enemies. Especially if they have not changed. It took coming to prison to realize that I had to learn how to cut people off who are not going to help me grow in life. Sometimes, because they are friends or family who we have bonded with for years, we don't want to cut ourselves from the bad apples. So we gamble with ourselves. Hey, there has been plenty of good times we have had.

When another person has full control over your life, that means that can bring what they want into your life. No matter if it's destructive or not. There comes a time when we have to say no more from whomever God gave us the authority to make our own choices, no matter whether it's good or bad. I have lost decades of my life in this place while my enemies who have lied have had successful lives.

I forgive them, but something has to be done. Prison life can either develop you into a mature male or female who views life differently than when you did coming in the system. Or prison can have you depressed, feeling unworthy, and some become cold-hearted, not caring about nobody, including themselves.

Prison is a dark world for some people. Some don't even want to live anymore so they try to commit suicide. For my journey, it has been like a storm where someone has left me in the rain alone in a deserted land with nothing or no one to rescue me, or come in to say, "Hey, you need help?" My journey has included many nights crying uncontrollably on my pillow at night, sleepless nights, headaches, hungry days and nights.

My visitation has not been on a regular basis like I thought it world. Lies and betrayal have been great through inmates and staff. Every time I thought somebody cared about what I was going through, I would learn later that it was false compassion. Just being showed to get my business to go around spreading false rumors, twist my words, and always make me look bad so others would laugh at me. And persecute me from well.

The jealousy has been prevalent as well. Everything I do, the next inmates says, "What makes her so special? She always gets the good details," or gets to do this or that. I put my makeup on, and it looks good. Not to be conceited. The other inmates end up wanting to use my makeup or get some like it. I do my hair a certain way or get it cut in style. The other inmates end up wanting it. It's like a competition amongst the other inmates wanting to be me. They even steal my conversation. If I am talking about a subject, these individuals will go to the next person with the same subject to make it like it was their ideal topic. To me, it's humiliating to know that I am around a lot of competition, in the wrong way.

Being in a system like this is hard hell to live in, with all of these females. They complain about everything, never satisfied. I believe if the warden gave them a T-bone steak, these female inmates will find something wrong with it. Next complaint they will have is who deserved the steak and who didn't deserve the steak. Some inmates feel like people owe them, that they deserve the best of everything.

The female inmates think that there are better than the next inmate. "Feels like they deserve the best" is the main ones who are breaking the rules and are very rebellious towards the correctional officers. I just wish the people in society could read some of them dorm representative questions.

I know you wonder what a dorm representative is. That is a role model inmate out of each dorm who goes before the wardens to present the dorm questions and problems. In order to be a dorm representative who knows who to follow the rules and respect authority.

Some people in society wants to know what daily life is like for inmates. We wake up at 5 AM, lights on, and prepare yourself for inspection. you can't take a shower after count clears at 5:30 AM. If you're detail, you can't report out until 7:50 AM. Some female inmates get up earlier like 2 AM and 4 AM for a shower before they go to details such as kitchen, outside the prison, prison industry, and medical for insulin. Immediately after count clears, they go to breakfast.

Then you have first block at 7:50 AM. Education programs, wellness, and other details report out. Majority of the compound inmates are busy every day. Monday through Friday, you have to be inspected 9 AM to 4:30 PM. The warden is faithful to come do inspection, whether it's raining, sleet, or snowing. We eat breakfast before 8 AM Monday through Sunday. Lunch is served around 12:30 Monday through Thursday. There is no lunch for us on Friday through Sunday unless we work detail that consists of five hours or more. Those details are outside the prison, kitchen, F-1 lockdown, sanitation, medical orderly, or maintenance. Also, they have special diet called Monday through Sunday because the doctor has put some inmates on special diets for health reasons.

Today, in our women prison in Georgia, there are some of the most mean-spirited women. They will cut, fight, sexually harass, and abuse another female inmate. Imagine being bunched up with 48 women in one dorm. Could you imagine all of them talking at one time? Wouldn't it give you a headache. It does for me.

Then you have the inmates who try to find ways to get in with staff to bring them contraband. You have inmates exalt themselves by trying everything correctly in the eyes of staff because they feel this will get them an early release. You also have inmates who fake sickness or mental health to try to get staff's attention. There is a lot of female inmates who do anything to get someone's attention.

Prison has been a humbling experience for me, but it has been a very oppressing situation. I've learned and gained different perspectives concerning life. But I've lost a lot through this oppressing situation. I've had many loved ones die in my family since I've been in prison. Last but not least, I have gained my education and better attitudes so I can that productive citizen upon my return to society.

Written by
Jennifer Johnson