TRULINCS 23038076 - LUMMUS, ALLAN CRAIG - Unit: BAS-T-A

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FROM: 23038076
TO: Clf Prison Ministry, The
SUBJECT: mp87 emotional harm
DATE: 10/10/2015 10:49:23 AM

mp87 Emotional harm 10-10-15

I am reading a Little Life by a Japanese-American from Hawaii now living in New York City.
The main character cuts himself. It is hard reading, because I am continually reminded about my own past behavior which on an emotional level does the same thing - withholding what I l want mostly but also staying in abusive relationships and most melodramatically of all sending myself to prison for a decade.

This week as I was thinking about my behavior I was reminded how much time I had spent trying to come figure out why? Why do I self sabotage? Then I thought about how thinking about it served the same purpose as porn or alcohol - distraction. By focusing on trying to understand - it takes me away from just doing what I know I need to do to take care of myself. Wow, how crafty my consciousness is? How a strength (analysis) can so easily be used to cooperate with a weakness (denial) to undermine my mental health.

I know I will always have the pull to escape, but what has changed is my relationship with pull. Before I saw myself as powerless to resist. I acquiesced with a nihilist faith. Now I am playing with agnostic nihilism. I am exploring what it means to stand on uncertain ground. The ground in the region of possibility. A region that is unmapped and untracked. I have to blaze my own trail. My faith is rooted in my capacity to withstand any traveling condition, not in the already mapped journey wrapped in all its concreteness all the uncertainty drained from its veins.

I must say living in a therapeutic community has helped on this front. I have been forced to explore that uncertain terrain over and over. I am asked to voice my opinion on issues before I would have remained quiet. Each time I open my mouth when my gut is telling me to remain quiet, I weaken the old habit energy and strengthen a new habit of living with indeterminacy.

mindful prisoner | betweenthebars.org | allan lummus | 1010 bastrop tx, 78602