April 16, 2016

Guilt, Remorse, Redemption? Is It Possible?

From Prison Dad by Robert Pezzeca (author's profile)

Transcription

GUILT, REMORSE, REDEMPTION? IS IT POSSIBLE?

APRIL 3, 2016: 9:30am: LISTENING TO: REBIRTHING BY: SKILLET
GOOD MORNING, AS I SIT HERE LISTENING TO ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHRISTIAN ROCK GROUPS, I AM TRYING TO REMEMBER EVERYONE I HAVE SERIOUSLY WRONGED IN MY LIFE. FOR SOME REASON I HAVE BEGUN FEELING GUILTY. LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE. I WAS 15, I MET A GIRL FROM QUAKERTOWN, BUT SHE WAS CURRENTLY GOING TO KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY. HER NAME WAS KIPPY. BEAUTIFUL GIRL, BUT I HAD JUST BEEN RELEASED FROM JUVY AND SHE WAS INTERNING WITH MY PROBATION OFFICER. LONG STORY SHORT, SHE WAS SO SWEET & KIND & HELPFUL TO ME. AT FIRST I THOUGHT SHE WAS ONE OF THOSE COLLEGE CHICKS THAT WANTED A HIGH SCHOOLER, BUT SHE WASN'T. SHE WAS GENUINELY CONCERNED ABOUT ME. LONGER STORY SHORT, I WAS A 15 YR OLD ASSHOLE WHO WAS VERY IGNORANT TO HER AND I PUSHED HER AWAY. I HAD EVERY INTENTION ON INVITING HER TO MY WEDDING BUT THEN I CAME HERE. IT'S TIME FOR ME TO APOLOGIZE TO HER FOR WRONGING HER SO MANY YEARS AGO. IT MIGHT NOT MEAN ANYTHING TO HER BUT IT WILL TO ME. I FEEL GUILTY.
THERE IS ANOTHER, KATHLEEN. WHO WAS A HUGE PART OF MY TEENAGE LIFE FOR SO MANY YEARS, SHE DID NOTHING BUT LOVE ME AND I WRONGED HER AS WELL.
SO WHAT I'VE DECIDED TO DO IS SEEK THE PEOPLE OUT THAT I CAN LOCATE AND APOLOGIZE TO THEM. MAYBE IT'LL HELP ME SLEEP EASIER AT NIGHT, MAYBE NOT, BUT THE GUILT HAS REALLY BEEN BOTHERING ME LATELY.
ANOTHER GREAT SONG BY SKILLET JUST CAME ON, LET GO. BUT THAT'S NOT SOMETHING I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO DO YET SO MAYBE BY SEEKING THE FORGIVENESS OF THOSE I HAVE WRONGED, I WILL LEARN HOW TO LET GO.
I'M LAID UP FOR AWHILE. I WAS HAVING KNEE PROBLEMS & THEN I WENT & COMPLETED THE INSANITY WORKOUT PROGRAM, AND YES I EARNED MY SHIRT, BUT NOW MY KNEE HURTS SO BADLY EVERY STEP I TAKE HURTS. I WENT TO MEDICAL, THEY CHARGED ME $10 (ALMOST A MONTH'S PAY) GAVE ME 2 GENERIC MOTRIN, TOLD ME TO STAY OFF OF IT. THAT'S IT. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE FOR OBAMACARE.
IT IS FREEZING OUTSIDE TODAY. ONLY 25 DEGREES THIS MORNING, I JUST HAD TO CLOSE MY WINDOW. I LIKE THE SNOW, COLD, BUT WHEN IT'S 20+ MILE AN HOUR WINDS, THAT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH FOR ME.
MY BROTHER JUSTIN WILL TURN 37 ON THE 16TH. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BROTHER. HE KNOWS I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS WITHOUT HIM. BABY LUCY JUST TURNED 4 LAST MONTH. SHE IS ADORABLE. MY MOM IS HANGING IN THERE. I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SEE HER SINCE I CAME HERE BUT HOPEFULLY SOON. IT'S EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE HER WHEN SHE IS SO CLOSE. I DO HAVE A HARD TIME DEALING WITH IT.
MY NEIGHBOR BROUGHT ME BACK A FRIED EGG SANDWICH FROM THE KITCHEN. THAT'S A RARE TREAT IN HERE. THE EGGS ARE BOILED OR THEY SERVE POWDERED SCRAMBLED ONES THAT THEY STEAM COOK. I WOULD ONLY EAT THOSE KINDS IF I WAS STARVING. THE FOOD IN HERE IS PRETTY BAD. NOW THEY ARE CUTTING DOWN ON THE AMOUNT OF TOILET PAPER WE CAN GET. IT USED TO BE 2 ROLLS PER WEEK, NOW IT SEEMS LIKE IT WILL GO DOWN TO 1 ROLL PER WEEK. I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT'S SUPPOSED TO WORK BUT IT'LL BE A STRUGGLE FOR EVERYONE.
I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO BE A FATHER TO MY 18 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER BUT THERE ISN'T A HANDBOOK ON THIS. THEY DO HAVE A PARENTING PROGRAM IN HERE BUT LIFERS CANNOT PARTICIPATE IN IT SO I'M EXCLUDED FROM IT.

I have filed an appeal to the courts a few weeks ago. As a reader, I would like to know what you think. Do you have a brother? Sister? Spouse? Child? Say your dad, mom, sibling or child took someone's life. Let's forget right now about why they did it, do they deserve to die in prison for taking a life? What about if they were just there when someone else took a life? Do they deserve to die in prison for that? I'm just trying to wrap this around my head. Why do some deserve this sentence and some don't? A 14-year-old shoots someone and gets life. A woman murdered and then robbed a disabled man she was hired to care for, she got 15 years. I did not plan my crime, I didn't want it to happen, but it did and I still got life. Why does life mean life? It doesn't mean that in every state. A man, last name Rice, has been in prison for over 40 years. He was a juvenile when his crime happened (murder). The courts just re-sentenced him to time served with life on parole. But this was not good enough for the District Attorney's Office so they are appealing it and asking for him to be re-sentenced to life in prison. But he was a juvenile and that's now against the law. So the D.A.'s Office wants to break the law to suit them. So now it becomes a hypocrisy because the law says they cannot get life in prison, but that's what the District Attorney's Office wants to do. His sentence was overturned by someone higher up who makes better decisions than the D.A.'s Office, but they want the law broken to suit their lust for revenge? Vengeance? Their version of justice? What do you think?

Spring is here. I love this time of the year. I hope everyone can get out and enjoy the new season. What I wouldn't give for something as little as a puppy dog to play with in the warm weather. I have always loved a husky or a malamute. I might have spelled that wrong. Beautiful dogs. My Aunt Cindy is going on a free vacation trip to Jamaica. She truly needs and deserves this. I told her to fall in love,stay there and be happy. But knowing her, she'll return in a week and go back to busting her butt at work.

Hockey is my favorite sport (Go Flyers) but baseball is my 2nd. My team begins tomorrow, Phillies. We'll suck this year so I'm already depressed.

Well with that I will let you return to your lives and stop reading about my boring life. Take care, and think of this, if you could have any 1 adventure in life, what would it be? Mine, I would go on naked and afraid. And the only wilderness skills I have is watching the outdoor survival shows, anyone care to join me on this adventure? God bless, ciao.

PS: Anyone wanting to drop me an e-mail (I'd get it the same day) must go to www.connectnetwork.com
For the girl who used to write me and sign her name, "This Girl Cares," I'd like to know why did you disappear?

Does anyone watch "Hack My Life"? I love hacks.

Pennsylvania Lifers Association
Non-Profit Organization
Chartered 2015

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Replies (14) Replies feed

eaglespirit96 Posted 3¬†years, 8¬†months ago. ✓ Mailed 3¬†years, 8¬†months ago   Favorite
love this, Rob.

eaglespirit96 Posted 3¬†years, 8¬†months ago. ✓ Mailed 3¬†years, 8¬†months ago   Favorite
I love your posts Rob. Keep them coming.

Julie

Robert Pezzeca Posted 3¬†years, 7¬†months ago.   Favorite
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Rita Posted 3¬†years, 6¬†months ago. ✓ Mailed 3¬†years, 6¬†months ago   Favorite
hello Robert,

No,one can't have too many friends, indeed. :)

I read the most of your letters, and I see the human side of you in the way you wrote about all the themes you touched.I can recognize the energy of goodwill, Robert.And that's why I am writing you.
Who am I, you'll ask? Let me introduce myself now.A Belgian woman,68yrs but feeling young(it's all in the mind), having pen pals in American prisons. From one inmate who I wrote today, Sunday 17th, I came through somebody's latter to your profile, Robert.And all has a reason. Nothing happens just like that. So, here I am.-smile
There is a lot with what I am occupied. That's for later, I guess.
I lived 7 yrs in America: Utah, 3 yrs and Ohio, 4 yrs.
Later on I lived with my family almost 6 yrs in Buenos Aires,Argentina.And yes, I had studied Spanish way back in time, Robert.Now I study Italian. I speak several languages.:) Love to learn them!
I am a creative woman and always on the go.Sportive as well.
I paint,draw,play the piano and write,also poetry,like you!I am a social individual.Could I read some of your poems, Robert?

My ex lives still in Argentina- we're still befriended-but I moved back to Belgium in 2007.We've two daughters: one lives in BE,the oldest (37) and the youngest(36), born in Utah, now recently moved with her Belgian husband towards CA, San Diego.They have two kids: a boy of 7 and a girl of 5. The daughter in BE has a 2yr old girl and had a boy born on the 28th of January.:)
Well, that will be it for now. I hope you like my new friendship.
Take care! Rita

Ashke Posted 3¬†years, 6¬†months ago. ✓ Mailed 3¬†years, 6¬†months ago   Favorite
Thanks for writing! I finished the transcription for your post. To answer your questions, I have a spouse. I do not believe anyone deserves to spend the term of their natural life in prison. Prison, to me, needs to be about rehabilitation; teaching a person the skills needed to cope in society without reoffending and providing support to help them achieve that goal when they are paroled or released from prison. I say this having had friends murdered and other friends severely injured who will never recover or live a ‚Äúnormal‚ÄĚ life again. Yet, I still do not want the guilty parties locked up for life, even though where I grew up, ‚ÄúLife‚ÄĚ means 25 years. I feel locking someone up for the term of their life is pointless and a form of torture. I could not imagine having to live in that situation and do not believe anyone should have to exist like that. To answer another question, I no longer have the good health necessary for a wilderness adventure but it is nice to dream. You mentioned early in your post about feeling guilty and finding people so you could apologize to them. It really doesn't matter how they feel about the apology or if they accept it. If it helps you then it is worth it. Good luck finding them. God bless you too.

Robert Pezzeca Posted 3¬†years, 6¬†months ago.   Favorite
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Robert Pezzeca Posted 3¬†years, 5¬†months ago.   Favorite
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Rita Posted 3¬†years, 5¬†months ago. ✓ Mailed 3¬†years, 5¬†months ago   Favorite
hi Robert,

Good to hear you! I've to take some time to read all your letters here on this blog;so I can see more who you really are. :)

As for now I am going for 5 days to the Ardennes; woods in the south of our country, where people speak French. it's a workshop where we paint intuitively. The weather announces to become better, as our last ones were not warm at all.:(

I can tell you have some nice pen pals on this blog, Robert.That is good, as you can relate and talk about the ups and downs of your and their lives.

You work in the clinic and with it you encounter the poor medical assistance...; it must be hard see people dying and be powerless. But WHAT you do, seems very human towards others,Robert. One should always do the best what one CAN do.
Helping people, just as we like 'to be helped' when needed.
I see you have a lot of compassion and possessing this as a human, this is a very valuable trait.So, go for this!:)

Thanks for situating about your family. I read the poem,and you seem to be forgiven? For what? Did this have to do with your wife, Justine? Yes, you were in a deep gap, and they(?) took your cherished wife away... :(
I hope also your daughter can visit you, Robert!

I will write you more about my fiance in prison. When I was visiting him, he was in segregation! For an unjust cause and he got an unfair punishment: 6 months in segregation!! I called various senators, the governor, and two lawyers and more people. We hope one is able to secure George's release.

Take care, with more time there will be a longer letter!

Ciau and greetings from Rita

Robert Pezzeca Posted 3¬†years, 5¬†months ago.   Favorite
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Rita Posted 3¬†years, 5¬†months ago. ✓ Mailed 3¬†years, 4¬†months ago   Favorite
dear Robert,

It says here on the blog you should receive this message by August 29th.; that is exactly today.:)But our time is +- 7 hrs ahead of yours, eh.
So I read your message today, as I arrived home yesterday, but was too tired to read it.It was a splendid workshop; next to painting we also had Biodanza! The origin I learned, laid in Chile. Claudio, a new Chilenian young artist-friend I met in the park,told me! He is divorced and has one small son of about 6/7 yrs.He lives here already many yrs. He worked always on boats, but takes now a course here, in Antwerp(en), to work in the caring sector.He's a real artist! He paints with his fingers on tiles.He offered me one lately.I gave him some invitation card when having an exposition in Buenos Aires, where I lived almost six yrs.
Because we talked that particular day in Spanish,being two artists too, we immediately were friends!I guess this is, because we were feeling a common artist link.;)
I saw Elke, his fiancé and a friend of his, took a photo from the 3 of us in the same park, sitting on a plaid. Now he sent me a very interesting link about painting portraits. A child coming into the world, looks for the features of his mom at first.Searches first for the eyes!:o So, we develop the art to look for features of people; going to paint towards portraits, etc.It's a long film, and being it that late to read my messages coming back home, it was too late to end the film.But the 2nd time one sees more!I will keep it.:)
Claudio wishes us to paint together.Cool,eh!
Each encounter is meant for a reason, Robert.:)So is ours.:)) We always are mirrors to each other.In fact, we see resemblances with ourselves.Yes, as you say, I've a lot of energy; Arieses have!I will have to see which zodiac sign you are? :)
Oh my, I have derived from my subject! Biodanza. People touch each other a lot, and hug, give kisses, caress each other and show love and dance!I've done one workshop in the past, I recall; but this one was just the max!!-smile
We were 21 women and men,of all ages.I knew three people there.Peter, a friend of Kathleen,(she is also a new friend of mine)drove me to the place, Hermeton.
Robert, George turned on June 28th 67yrs and was in jail from the age of 18...:o
When my ex Karel(we were married for 33 yrs)and me drifted apart in Argentina, I already started to be a pen pal to George jr. I decided to write to an American inmate and started with 2 men: George jr and Robert(o), a Mexican on DR.Now I'm writing to a few inmates. Tell you later who they are.
George and me- I divorced; Karel stayed in ARG, married my friend Mariana and we're still friends- grew friends and he's not only my cherished fiancé, but also my twin soul.:)))

Well, later will follow more about my life!

Does you daughter visit you at times, Robert? Yes, languages are powerful, but one has to be able to practice of course.
Good you met that young woman and some other friends on the blog.

A hug from Rita

Rita Posted 3¬†years, 5¬†months ago. ✓ Mailed 3¬†years, 4¬†months ago   Favorite
Yes Robert, I did understand that Italian sentence and plan to do more study on that beautiful language! But I easily mix with my Spanish!
I saw on internet a man, relatively young, who speaks 11 languages!!
He does explain youngsters HOW to learn a new language.
I ADORE to study new languages!!! Like to learn after my Italian, Portuguese(I do understand everything, and can read it too, but don't possess the active speech.
Then study Swedish as well! :o
George jr 's mom had Swedish and Finnish roots. His dad of almost 93 (we visit his only son together, when his shofer(?) John brings me to the prison)- has German, English and Scottish roots. So, my athletic fiancé has 5 types of blood in him.(!). He is a good writer, is very musical!!!-he played the guitar-, he lifts weights, he runs long distances, he plays chess with many opponents in the free world, he did university in prison(science),and he's an activist. Also LOVES fashion! :)

Take care Robert and consider each single day as truly important!
I do care, Rita x

Rita Posted 3¬†years, 5¬†months ago. ✓ Mailed 3¬†years, 4¬†months ago   Favorite
correction: ... in 'himself' ;)

Robert Pezzeca Posted 3¬†years, 4¬†months ago.   Favorite
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Robert Pezzeca Posted 3¬†years, 3¬†months ago.   Favorite
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