Reply ID; hvui

August 15, 2016 4:30 PM Listening to Feel Invincible by Skillet

Dear Julia,

Hi. Thank you for writing. I just received your comments from, wow, early July. Sometimes I get them quick, sometimes it takes a few weeks. But please know that I respond to everyone, unless they just write hate mail. I have to stop feeding into Maggie. She is a very hateful woman.

I had no idea it cost more to kill someone than to keep them alive. But it doesn't surprise me. The prison system is designed to make money. Costs the taxpayers billions but the Dept. of Corrections, they get rich. That's why these private prisons make so much money. Look, I can see both sides. I have had people I love murdered by someone else. And I have taken a life. To be honest, there are days when I feel so down, so much guilt, so much regret that I look at my wrist and I just want to end this miserable life of mine. Prison is not about helping or fixing anyone; it's about warehousing for big money.

I really enjoyed this response from you, Julia. Thank you for your positive comments. I know that we are human, we are all emotional. We—or most of us—have a heart.

I don't know what happened to me. How did I go wrong. I just cannot figure it out. I was not a good kid, but I had such love in me. I did nothing for the right reason. I was very selfish, but my environment made me like that. It's how I was raised. Not from my mom but from jail. It made me into a monster. It took so many tragedies and deaths of people I loved in order to change. But is it too late for me? Will I ever be able to get a 2nd chance? Do I deserve one? I just don't know. I'd like to say yes but I still killed someone.

I am growing proud of the man I have become. I still have a lot of room for improvement, but change doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes I need help, but it's not easy asking for it because a lot of people don't believe prisoners can change. I have said this many times, and I learned this from my daughter: I am my worst mistake, or I am not my crime. I am not that 21 year old kid. I will be 40 on November 30. I hate who I sued to be, but when people look at me, they see a criminal, prisoner, killer. They don't see me playing on the sliding board with my 4 year old niece, my little Lucy Monster. They don't see me smile, cry, laugh. They see no emotion; they see my crime.

I have done 18 years in here. I have met men who have done 45 years. My neighbor is a man named Danny. He has been here for 45 years. He was 22 when he took a life. People change, but will society ever give us a 2nd chance? I hope so. I would love to take my daughter to Italy and never return. But it's a dream. If I ever walk out of here, my daughter will be my age, and I'll be an old man. A depressing thought, but I have seen many men die in these prisons.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Thank you for your comments. Take care, and I look forward to hearing from you again. God bless, ciao.