THE NORFOLK CHRONICLES
by Timothy J. Muise

D.O.C. OPENS NEW "SALVAGE UNIT" TO OPERATE BY THE LAWS OF ADMIRALTY

With the removal of the tarnished badge wearers over at the state hospital in Bridgewater (thank God—no more "attitude adjustments" for the mentally ill by those jackbooted bastards) and the appointed "pro team" of our own Medusa—vipers in her hair—Scary Sherry Helliot as the Director of Mistreatment here at the facility, the Department of Corruption felt it wise to open up what they will call the "Salvage Unit", which will have the sole purpose of trying to drag the ship off the rocks Scary Sherry is sure to frequently run it upon.

The Bag Lady of Corrections will do all within her power to dismantle any shred of rehabilitation which may be left in the Norfolk Rehabilitation Model. To think that this place used to be the City Upon The Hill as far as progressive incarceration was concerned. Now it has been reduced to the Drug Use Cartel of the Southern Sector.

So now, with the guard transfers at Bridgewater, we will have 25 to 30 disgraced turnkeys roaming the quad taking overtime hours away from the old school NorfolkWorld layabouts. They will train with log rollers, hauser ropes, and windless hydraulic shores of recidivism. Every once in a while, the Bad Electrician, Bobby Reese The Fleece, will run a 220 volt charge through Medusa's panties to blast the dust off that old thing and get her up and running.

The old director of mistreatment's assclown of a secretary, Smashley Lose the Message, will flee the wreck like a rat off of the Titanic, and Scary Sherry will have to tie some poor unsuspecting White House replacement and deny guest applications. Ain't a staff member in the joint who ain't laughing their corn fed ass off at the thoughts of Scary Sherry running the programming.

But that is the DOC for you. Put the worst possible person in the most important of positions (and we wain't talking about downward dog!). You want to ensure someone becomes a recidivist? Subject them to the rule of Medusa. They will be so angry, so frustrated that it will be a miracle if they don't start capping innocent folks right out in teh parking lot!

So, it looks like from here on in, the old laws of admiralty will be in play. They only have to act if the vessel is a "hazard of navigation". The sad truth is that the course of this old garbage scow is true and steady. Directly upon the rocks of higher recidivism and more violent crime. The taxpayers pay Scary Sherry $86,763.44 a year to destroy rehabilitation while acting as First Mate of the Andrea Doria of Corrections.

Davey Jone's locker never looked so good!

-THE GREEN CHICKENHEAD TO HOLD PRIDE B.B.Q IN QUAD
In April, our dedicated food services director, the Green Chickenhead, will be holding a Pride B.B.Q. for all employee sexual orientations. It will not take place in the middle of the quad and should be widely attended.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

More to Come...