Personal Journal

2-12-18 Mon.
I let my imagination run wild like that of a child. I dream of possibilities with all the what-ifs, all of my daydreams of yesterday. Where will my imagination take one today? When I become confused, I now stop and listen to my inner self.

It turned cold here yesterday and I'm feeling it in my bones. I don't see any rain in the near future. If it's not going to rain, I can do without the cold. I'm going to make myself paint some today, if only the roof on the church. I mean, what if it does start raining there? Needs to be a roof on the church. :)

Jimmy Lee is still sleeping. The boy likes to wait until the last minute and run out the door late. I told him that's okay, but you have to brush your teeth and wash up, or I'll close the door on him. :) I'm thinking about taking the mirror off the wall. The boy spends a lot of time there. Did I do that? :) Of course. Back when I had a little more hair. :)

For Jeannie: You are always in my heart and on my mind. I'll love you forever and ever.

2-13-18 Tues.
"Eternity is very long, especially toward the end."
—Woody Allen

Sometimes when I'm writing here in the pre-dawn hours, I love to look back on the feast of happiness Jeannie and I shared—the love—and how we used to just road with laughter. When I'm alone in the cell, sometimes I sing, sometimes I dance, sometimes I sing and dance to chase the pain.

I have a ducat for optometrist 8:30. Good. I need my eyes checked out with all the eye infections I've been having the last few months. I need a new eye glass prescription. Ten minutes of reading, and my eyes want to close—and that's in the afternoon.

Jimmy Lee got down to studying yesterday. He does very well when I can get him to do it. He should be able to pass the Tape test. :) Get the 7.9 or better. :)

I did a little painting yesterday afternoon. Got the roof on the church. Put in a tree. I'll put in more later. Put in a fence and sky in.

On the whole, I think knowledge is preferable to ignorance. In a hundred billion years, in a hundred billion galaxies, I will not find another you.

2-14-18 Wed.
Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

I've been awake before two. My mind is racing in a dozen directions. Now I'm tired. :) Can hardly wait for my afternoon nap. Yes, I take an old man nap every day in the afternoon. Mostly it's only for 10 or 15 minutes. The other day I slept for a couple of hours. I have been taking longer naps for a while and a lot of short ones during the day. My eyes just get tired and close. :)

The optometrist ordered me a new pair of prescription glasses yesterday. He checked my eyes about the infection. He said it was a bacterial infection and all he could do for them was give me Dovycyline Hyclate. So the same thing I knew already.

I painted some in the afternoon: the fields around the church, the hills behind it. I put in a fence. Moving right long. At least I'm starting to do something.

I am noticing right now how funny my fingers look the way they're bent around. Life is pure imagination. Joy fills my heart as I envision the future. At least say hi.

2-15-18
Bonnie's kiss was lost in jest. Kathy's lost in play, but the kiss in Jeannie's heart haunts me night and day.

The power is going to be off here today. They are going to turn it off after breakfast, and it'll be off until they fix whatever it is they're fixing. IT don't mind a little cell time, but with Jimmy Lee? Not so much. The boy is hyper. I won't be doing much with him in the cell. Yesterday, some a-hole gave him a pint of ice cream. I couldn't get him to open a book or sit down. :) He did clean his lockers, flood his clothes, and clean the floor. I've never seen him do that before. :) He's outside or in the dayroom all day except for counts (noon, 4 and 8), so he burns most of it off.

I did paint a little in the afternoon. The church and the fence (white). I'm going to have to use a darker blue on the sky, I think. Can't really see the cross in the light blue.

If you need to ask permission, you already know you shouldn't do it.

2-16-18 Friday
All too often I watched the most well-meaning people give advice in an effort to be helpful and it pains me to see the person receiving the advice lapse into defeated silence. That person didn't want advice. Do all teenagers just want to play all the time? I can get you the books, I can't get you to read them.

Another day. Don't feel like moving. Depressed what-ifs. Same old crap, yesterdays dreams.

2-17-18 Sat.
Yesterday, I got back the Xmas card I sent to Lorene more than two months after it was post marked from here. I got Theresa's back earlier this week and few weeks ago, I go the card I had sent to Nancy (James's wife) back. I know that Theresa is alright because I got a b-day and Xmas card from her mother. I have no idea how Lorene or Nancy are doing, as they are up there in age and both in ill health. No one writes anymore. No one except Mel. So I have no way of knowing when someone's passed or are doing bad.

I checked the addresses: Theresa's card came back because of the wrong zip code. The other addresses were right. I've been alone, by myself, for a lot over the years without hearing from anyone. But here, in my old age, it's catching up with me.

They're having a food sale here: cheesecake for $25. A little high priced but that's not the reason I'm not buying anything. The staff is crap, seconds. They don't even have the name of where they're getting it. Besides, I'm still broke. :) I'll see if I can get someone to swap me some cheesecake for a painting. I do like cheesecake, crappy or no. :)

2-18-18 Sun.
It has been a blue week. Don't know why I've been so down. I have to go out today and get some bounce back in my walk. Find something or someone to laugh at. Wish you were here with me. :) Better yet, wish I was there with you.

The light seems dim this morning. The power must be running on low. The fan is running slow too. As a rule, it only does that during the day. Mostly in the evening when everybody is using everything. :) There's a big fluctuation in everything here. :)

I wish I was a teenager. Jimmy Lee never sits down. He's out the door every time it opens—standing at it, waiting. Wish he would study for the Tabe test like that. But after five minutes, he's got to be doing something else like playing. :)

Me, I'm slow like the power. Set on low now. The bottom is stuck like my mind right, just cut off in the middle of a word. :)

Is it ever going to rain again? Am I ever going to hear your voice again? What color is the blue sky when you are blue?