"Self-pity is wasted emotion. It merely prolongs whatever trauma you suffered by keeping it alive in your head."
—Karen Marie Moning, Burned

04-14-18

Dear Readers,

Howdy! Did everyone survive Friday the 13th? I hope so.

Well, a bunch of various crap has happened since I last wrote. For one thing, on the weekend of April Fool's/Easter, we had limited water. Something happened in the local town at the water treatment plant (or whatever it was). Several local homes had no water at all. Of course, we were affected too. But fortunately they had water tanks here so we weren't completely cut off. We could still flush the toilet and our sinks worked. They did, however, cut off our showers and we were handed out bottles of waters at meals—four bottles per day. My last shower during this period was on that Thursday, and I couldn't take another one until Monday. It was very disruptive and a pain the butt to deal with.

Also, our 5-day C.O. in the evenings this quarter is Long. They rotate each quarter, although a C.O. can stay for two or three (?) quarters if they choose. Anyhoo, Long is a straight up psycho. A good C.O. will stay in the office and get on the Internet and leave us the hell alone. Not Long. He thrives on tearing up cells and has made a point of it.

I had some wooden shelves in one side of my locker that I've had for 2 1/2 years to put my paperwork on, and to keep it neat and organized. Long took my shelves and just crammed all of my paperwork back in my locker, completely wrecking my cell. Now I can't get to the stuff in the bottom without taking everything out. I have decided that I am going to leave it that way as long as he works here. Fuck it.

He also took a clear plastic bag where I kept a pair of earbud headphones, pens, pencils, a pencil sharpener, and other odds and ends. I have to pay to replace all of that 'cause filing a lost claim is pointless in the B.O.P. They're all denied.

I got only two messages from Josh after he got locked up in the Hole and haven't heard anything from him since then> He said in one that he sent his auntie a letter for me, and that I could write to him there. I never got that letter and I have sent her four letters to send to him. I think she's just keeping them all and not mailing anything out, which really makes me upset. I was so desperate to get some word to him that I sent a letter to a new pen-pal who barely even knows me and begged her to forward it to him. I sent a stamp too. I don't know if she sent it or not, and I feel really bad that I imposed this favor on her. I've just been really mental lately, and it's so hard when someone you care about is locked up, and you can't get any word to them.

I asked my counselor about him last week, and my counselor said that Josh just wanted to stay in the Hole until he gets out. WTF? That really hurt, and I don't know what to think or believe about Josh anymore.

I've had more than one person come up to me and say, "Boy, you just can't keep a boyfriend, can you?" Awesome. Thanks guys.

For my regular readers, you may remember when I was in the Hole myself last year from May 22 to June 22. I mentioned at the time that for four wonderful days during that period, I had a GREAT cellie from the "low" next door. Well, yesterday I saw some new guy bringing a laundry bag of clothes to his unit near mine, which is unusual 'cause new arrivals are usually on Tues. and Wed. nights. Then I saw him walking on the track last night at Rec, and he smiled at me and nodded. Yep, it's him. He got some more "shots" (incident reports), and his points went up so they transferred his ass over here.

I finally said hi last night, but then went up to him this afternoon to chat a bit more (also on the Rec yard). He proceeded to tell me about how he wanted to "lay low" 'cause he had a lot of homeboys on this yard and yadda, yadda, yadda. Puh-lease. I just said OK, turned, and walked away, and have so far ignored him. I cannot be bothered. If there's one thing that Josh taught me, it's that I deserve to be treated better, and I am not interested in putting up with anyone's bullshit right now. As a result, I've been a total bitch lately. I've completely blown off two guys whom I used to flirt with (including Travis whom I totally chewed out).

I was really happy when I was with Josh and now I'm really hurt. I've been a straight up bitch who has zero tolerance for anyone who displeases me. Fuck everyone (except you, of course).

Josh's final out-date is April 26—less than two weeks away. It's possible he still could get out for a few days before then. I would like some more time with him, but I am really hurt and pissed off that he's telling staff that he'd rather stay there.

Serenity now!

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04-16-18

I was gonna mail this out last night and forgot, but that gives me the chance to tell you about the latest drama.

For background info: there are three buildings in a "v" shape with four units each. My building, containing A-North and South, B-North and South, has had a problem with leaks when it rains. My cell will have a few lines of water running down the outside wall and some are much worse.

Well, it rained hard last night. When I woke up at 6:30 AM and discovered we were still locked in our cells, I found that the power was out in our building only.

As a result, we were locked in our cells all day long. They brought all our meals to us. The other two buildings (and eight other units) weren't affected and went about their business as usual. The power didn't come back on until about 4 PM—the regular "count" time. We weren't let out of our cells until about 6 PM. It really sucked. Our toilets can only be flushed when the electricity works, unless the C.O. goes around and flushes them through the access closet between cells. It was really a pain in the butt.

Fortunately, I'm still in a cell by myself since Josh left, so I didn't have to be stuck in here with someone. I prefer it that way. I'll have to find someone soon before they stick someone in here "off the bus". There just aren't any good candidates.

The past four weeks have really sucked. Hopefully things will get better from here.

Until next time...

Love and blessings,
Kelly