3-3-19

Dear Reader

Hey! I hope you are doing well! Today I'll share some of my experience in my third group home.

In the third group home I had the first experience of what it would be like to have a mother and father. The teaching parents (counselors) were young and married and cared a lot about the kids they were trying to steer onto the right path. So in that respect, it was nice. I didn't get along with all the other kids, bet you didn't see that coming. :\ Ha! But I did with most. But there were two that I was soon going to hate.

I went to school, came home, did my homework + chores... normal stuff. We ate dinner together. We did things together that families do. It was cool. I'd seen families live like this on TV but didn't know if it was true.

There were these two kids that were older + much bigger than I was that kept commenting on things I liked to keep on my dresser. Cologne, CD's, CD player... then the pressure came. They thought they could intimidate me into giving them my stuff. I called them out on it and told them to chill and that I ain't a chump so back off. While what I said was true... it wasn't smart. A few days or couple weeks (I can't remember exactly) go by and everything is cool. One night I go to bed. I can't remember what time it was but I'd been asleep for awhile. The whole house had... except THOSE 2. I'm awoken up abruptly with something wet splashing on my face. I tried to turn from it but couldn't move. And then I inhaled the "water" and began choking. Finally I squirmed out from under the first guy who was sitting on me and noticed a putrid smell and the other guy tucking his penis back into his shorts... I wretched, I ran to the bathroom + threw up in the sink while at the same time I tried washing his urine off my face. Yup... if you haven't figured it out yet... one guy sat on my chest to hold me down while the other kid pissed in my face! I can't remember what happened exactly after that. But some time later I remember talking to my counselor mom and after that seeing an ambulance and a police car driving away.

I was a horrible experience that happened for no reason at all. What happened during that time I can't remember? Who was in the ambulance and who in the police car? If anyone? I've never asked. I've never spoken about this in detail before. I only mentioned it once and that was in very little context for my case.

You know, my mom always told me don't do this or that. She never explained anything to me. Why I shouldn't do this or that... She never told me HOW to do anything. Or why I should do it. I confessed to her that I smoked cigarettes when I was 13. She was so happy that I confessed to that. That was in front of the emergency shelter counselors. Later on, after I came home for the weekend, my sister threatened to tell my mom I stole something from her (which was a lie) if I didn't do her dishes. I refused. She told my mom + Mom came out screaming at me that I'd only been home one day + was "starting shit" already. My mom punished me by taking me back to the group home.

Getting rid of a child shouldn't be anywhere near the list of things to do to teach them how to behave. I pleaded with her + she told me to shut up + threatened to "pop me in the jaw" if I didn't.

If I had the chance to be in my child's life I'd never do any of the things that were done to me as a child. I learned how to be a good father by knowing how it feels to be raised by a bad... parent.

Good father... :/ The nerve of me, right? I was a criminal and didn't have my child as my first priority in life. No, I wasn't a good father but I haven't failed... I only fail if I give up. One day my child will understand my biggest regret in life is not being there to protect, teach + comfort... love my child.

It is my greatest wish!

Untill next time....

Yours truly,

Doug

To "G",

You responded to my first blog with very encouraging words.

Thank you for your positivity and kindness.

Keeping my head up.

Doug