5-12-19

Dear reader,
Hey, I hope you're doing well!

After I left I was lost. The only people I knew in this city was her family and the neighbors. They were at work—no, out somewhere. I can't remember, but no one was home.

Up until this point, things were going up and I didn't anticipate a rapid fall like this. I spiraled. Do I go back to selling drugs? Move back to my hometown and live with my friend? He would have let me. But, nope. I could do it myself.

But as I went through this thought process, a cloud darker than this rolled through my subconscious and, before I knew it, I was standing on a bridge, thinking how a friend of mine committed suicide by jumping off one. I speculate if he acovally did it or if he was murdered and the scene was staged. I mean, who leaves pills all over the ground in the car before they jump off a bridge? But maybe it was just my mind creating doubt so I'd have a direction to avenge him.

I thought, as I stood there looking at all the cars and trucks pass beneath me, that the best way to do it would be to land right in front of the tires of an 18 wheeler (rig), so that way, if the fall didn't do it, those tires would.

Tears rolled as my thoughts went from that to how my daughter wouldn't grow up with a loving father. Just one who checked off because things got tough. Then I got angry with myself that I'd fallen so weak at a time I was my strongest. Sirens chirped behind me. A police cruiser pulled up behind me, and I made my decision.

I walked away.

It was hard for me to formulate a thought, but suicide was still the strongest. The cruiser was following me. He stopped me. As we talked, I waited for him to turn in a way that I could grab his gun. I didn't need to take complete control of it. Just so much that he felt he had to pull the trigger.

I didn't. And he actually cleared my mind a bit. I was committed to the psych ward of a hospital. I spent a few days there, clearing and making sense of things.1.) I needed help. If I wanted to stay on the straight and narrow.2.) I had a warrant for my arrest. I'd talked to my child's mother about this and, yeah, I needed to get it out of the way. And now I could use these few moments I had left on that sentence to my advantage. Talk to counselors and set up a plan.

I did this. Turned myself in and did my time and made a plan. But as soon as I got out, it all went sideways. :/ Go figure. :/

My lady (child's mama) had cheated on me while I was down. Several people! I only had four months left to do! And she was in that wreck! WOW! It caught me off guard. So that relationship was over. I'll be honest, I was on the fence but I was betrayed, and I'll never forget it. So, that relationship wouldn't have been a happy one for either of us. I was hurt bad. But it was what it was. And I have a zero tolerance for cheating. I don't do it and don't want it done to me.

So, now I'm one county away, and I'd met some new friends.

This next chapter will be a little difficult to explain as it involves a lot of crime, so I'll have to think on it before I write it. It will most likely take a few blog posts, as there's a lot going on in this chapter.

Until next time.

Yours truly,
Doug