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Personal Journal

If living a decade a man does not change his mind on some things and develop new points of view, it is a pretty good sign that his mind is petrified and that he need no longer be counted among the living. From the book of Psalms: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
10/11/19 Somewhere along the way I lost my humanity, maybe in one of the many isolation cells I've visited. Now that I am older, wiser - still up for debate. I'll ask for forgiveness - maybe tomorrow. It's cold in the cell right now I'm wearing two sweatshirts right now, sweatpants under my jeans :) a beanie :) I would be wearing gloves right now but I don't have any I can write in handwriting's bad enough. I've been able to get myself going to get some painting done - right now I'm working on two little girls (I think I'll call them Marcia & Dawn) standing on a white fence talking and finishing up a Marilyn Monroe my celly started inside his locker. So little for an old man to talk about right now the weather, the price of gas, and pretty women from the past on yes and some duct tape to put over my celly's mouth :) that boy don't ever close :) quiet time :)
10/13/19 I find being in prison a lot like living in a monastery only a little more restricted and a lot more dangerous. We find ourselves with a lot more time to meditate. I try as much as I can to keep my mind busy, reading, painting, writing. I was trying to take some college classes here but I've completed my A.A. nad it seems that the only classes they're teaching here are the basics that I've had no art, no music, no language and they're still working on getting a Bachelor degree program here - been doing that for years now. (Did you know that a bachelor is the lowest degree conferred by a four-year college or university.) Maybe in the Spring - at least I'm on the list :) should be at the top so many people have left since they first started talking about it :). Never burn a bridge. Where have I heard that before? It seems like I'm always standing somewhere with a match in one hand a can of gas in the other - slow down, slow down that old cars not made to go a hundred and five.
10/15/19 I've been in a lot of pain the last few days, starting with my right foot all the way up to my shoulder blade - my foot has been feeling like I dropped a motor block on it. (I did that once when I was young - straight six flat head :) ) it swelled up and all the toe joints hurt like in my hands, which are hurting right now because of the cold. I could lay back down under the blankets but laying down just pains me :) It may sound like I'm complaining and I may be a little but I'm just trying to keep some kind of record. This is all related to the Lupus so I've been told. The medications I'm getting don't seem to be working very well right now - my knees have been hurting, my hands I can't close at all - my elbow hurt and it hurts to bend my arm (right side) I can't even pick up a pair of shoes with it I have to use my left hand. I thought I had a corn on the bottom of my right foot but it's part of the growth I have on my hands, face, chest & back of my neck except sometimes the ones on my foot hurt to step on. Enough complaining for today. I am waiting to see the rheumatologist and the pulmonary doctor and I don't know how many others - they've had me taking I don't know how many tests :) and I think it's time to try a new medication :) I got your message last night my love, I got your letter last week - there was only the one comment on the page.
10/17/19 There was some rain during the night -it must have been a warm rain because the temperature has warmed up. It wasn't much of a rain - the warm air is drying the ground fast. I got a letter from Derek Doneem a documentary filmmaker from Los Angeles - he's doing a documentary on an old friend, Panch Aquila, and the writer workshop at old Folsom back in the 70s. First thing he should know is I've spent a lot of money on drugs & alcohol trying to forget my past :) At the same time I do enjoy playing in the memories of old friends.
I'm going to close this off for now, try to get it out in today's mail - now that I know there are at least three people reading I'l have to start a spell check :) make the words readable. I feel good today - maybe it's the warm weather - maybe it's the feeling of Jeannie in my heart.