March 20, 2012

Things My Mother Taught Me

by Jeremy Pinson (author's profile)

Transcription

Things My Mother Taught Me
By Jeremy Pinson

When a child becomes an adult, it becomes clear at some point just how their parents influenced who they are. In my case, it was my mother who influenced my personality and beliefs because my father was totally absent.

First, I must explain my mother. I have been told she was wild, sociable and fun in her youth. This is not the woman I knew. The woman I knew was an introvert, antisocial, cynical, and easily defeated. Growing up, I never understood why my mother hated the rest of the world so much and, to this day, I do not understand why she gives up so easily.

When some men come to prison, their families battle any and every obstacle to reach their sons. But not my mother. When bureaucrats told my mother she couldn't visit, she stopped trying. She didn't call their superiors to complain, she didn't seek the intervention of senators or congressmen like so many families do; she simply gave up. And every year, she sent a birthday card until one year she tried to send an electronic card which the prison rejected. Did she just by a regular card the next year? No. She stopped sending cards altogether.

Most inmates receive letters from family every week. My mother stopped writing me after the first year. Claimed it was too difficult. I could go on forever in this vein, but ultimately her behavior has never changed. She has always given up at the first whiff of hardship with no regard whatsoever for the deep pain her laziness, indifference and cowardice would cause others.

In many ways, my rebellious nature which brought me to prison stemmed from my desire to never be like her. Where she waffled, I would be decisive. Where she surrendered, I would resist. Where she cried, I would scream. The problem was I became too rebellious and never knew when to give in. Thus prison found me.

I started out in a law security prison where fist fights were a rare and serious event. Where other inmates accepted staff mandates, I questioned and challenged their every directive. I was such a pain in the ass I soon found myself in my state's most severe prison. Eventually, the state confided with the feds and the federal government indicted me, took custody, and hit me with multiple statutory maximum sentences to be served consecutively.

But did I buckle under the weight of the federal government? No. I became their problem. When they did something wrong, I sued. When they tried to use inmates to bully me, I learned martial arts and became the walking personification of death wielding extreme violence at the drop of a hat. The feds soon found themselves hip deep in riots, food strikes, and organized rebellion at my hand.

It wasn't until I turned 25 and was en route to ADX, the infamous "Guantanamo of the Rockies", that I realized that I had become an infamous pain in the ass, the consigliere to the most violent prison gang in America the Mexican Mafia, and elected president of the Federal Prison Union all because I didn't want to be like my mother. And yet, the only person on this earth whom I love and miss the most is her. Freud would be quite amused.

My mother taught me to fight hard, love hard, and to be exceptional, though she never intended to. Prison experiences taught me wisdom, patience, and to temper myself where necessary. One day, when I am free, I will fight for peace; an end to poverty; reform of a cruel and unjust criminal justice system. My remaining years will be dedicated to social justice. I will change what I can, even as I accept that some like my mother will never change. Though she may never realize or appreciate the fact, she is the influence that molded my tumultuous life. Even as I resent her, I also want to thank her. Like I said, Freud would be amused.

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Replies (4) Replies feed

progdlp Posted 11 years, 11 months ago. ✓ Mailed 11 years, 11 months ago   Favorite
This is some kind of letter. Your mother must have changed to try to be responsible for taking care of herself and you. You must have done something with your mom that was not introverted. Movies, going out to eat, something???? Maybe your mother had a lot of bills and did not have money to do more things. If she was fun loving when she was younger it is possible to be that way again. She just needs her family to help her out to improve. She needs to be financially secure so she is able to do more things. Concerts are great. I bet she likes them. Movies once a week would be great for anyone. I could go on and on. When you go home to your mother make sure she knows that you love her and that there will be peace every day. I am sure your mother would love to find this website and use it to communicate. I hate writing letters and a big part of the time the words in the letters can be misinterpreted. I am so very sorry that your mother does not write to you. I bet you are on her mind every day. If she is anything like me I can guarantee it. She loves you and misses you. It cannot be any other way. I used to try to do things with my son before he got into trouble. With so many things happening and so many bills it was hard but I tried. He just never wanted to do those things. He had other interests and in his teen years he would leave home and be gone for days. I would go into his room and sit and cry because I had no idea where he was and if he was alive or dead. I hope my son is old enough now to appreciate the wonderful house he can come home to. It will be harder to do things now because I have diabetes and fibromyalgia and it makes it hard to do much. Quality of life is definitely not what it was a few short years ago. Arthritis causes pain. An injury to my back years ago makes it hard to do things. But I sure look forward to stepping outside with him into the fresh air. Well I need to stop now. It is almost my bedtime so I can work tomorrow. My three african grays are out of their cage and one is sitting on my knee. They like to catch me napping and bite my toes. Birds are fascinating little creatures. I sure wish I had wings.

Nicki Posted 11 years, 6 months ago. ✓ Mailed 11 years, 6 months ago   Favorite
Response Part 1
I woke up this morning with this post on my mind, which I’d read before I went to sleep last night. Although it feels a little voyeuristic in some ways, looking into your private conversation, it is also (as you said in one of your other posts), on the most public forum in the world so on that note, I’d like to comment because I find myself in a unique position where I can identify with both sides of this conversation. Both as an adult child feeling abandoned by the one person who is supposed to love you the most in the world, your mother. And as a mother of a spirited, difficult child who questioned everything and wouldn’t rest if she found something to be in any way ‘unfair’ in her mind.

AS AN ABONDONED ADULT CHILD - As a child my mother was everything a mother should be, loving, protective and attentive. Once I’d grown up, things changed. Due to having, a partner with a gambling addiction when I was 25; I found myself homeless and stayed with my mother for 2 weeks; after which time she told me “You can’t stay here anymore; you will have to find your own way” shocked, and with no idea what to do next, I left, with my 2 children and pregnant with my third with nowhere to go. This was the greatest time of need I have faced in my life, and the person I thought should have loved and supported me more than any other, didn’t care and made that journey back from homelessness so much longer and more difficult. I was also conditioned in that moment to a new reality, that if your own mother won’t help you; then it’s not acceptable to ask for help from any one else, and to this day I don’t ask. My point here is that these defining moments in our lives, change the people we are.

AS A MOTHER - I have been a single mother for most of my adult life. For 8 years with one child, and later on with 3. My eldest, my only daughter, was a difficult child in comparison to my two boys. Her heart was always in the right place, so I knew she would be a wonderful adult, but as a child, because she questioned authority when it made no sense to her, she was difficult. She ALWAYS had to know why & if the answer wasn’t acceptable, she would go about changing circumstances to better suit herself. Whilst she continued to develop her negotiation skills (from the age of 2) she was seen by many others as disrespectful, rude, naughty and disruptive, but by those that understood her, spirited and well-meaning.

I found, as I tried anything and everything I could to accommodate her, yet still guide her in the right direction, I realized that at times I had to ‘pick my battles’, this was my greatest realization or she would have dominated completely. There was only one of me, I was entirely responsible for 2 other little lives, keeping up with my studies, finances, the household, part time work and of course taking care of ‘me’ to some degree so that I was able to keep the wheels turning, keeping everyone happy.

Nicki Posted 11 years, 6 months ago. ✓ Mailed 11 years, 6 months ago   Favorite
Response Part 2
Things got pretty bad as I required a greater amount of respect from my daughter for her brothers and I than what she was giving us. She knew home was her safe place to let off steam, and she did, but it was a weight too heavy for her brothers and I to bare and I saw their personalities start to change as they became more withdrawn, because of her behavior, so I sent her away. I told her she couldn’t live here anymore. That has been my greatest failure as a mother but it also made her realize her outbursts were not acceptable and after 12 months, we were all back together. But she will always carry with her, feelings of abandonment by her mother and that is my shame.

From there though, we do what we can, with actions, to mend our broken bridges. Just last night I got a call from my daughter at midnight saying ‘I’m at a party, will you come & get my mates & I & take us into town’ (she is now 19). I left another blog post of yours that I was replying to at the time, and went to her. I can’t change the fact that I pushed her away in the past, but I can do everything in my power now to show her she means everything to me. Whatever I say, that hurt will always be with her, but through my actions I can send a more acceptable message that she is truly loved.

There are times where a mother has to let the wheels slow right down, so that they can keep turning in some fashion. There are a lot of pressures on us at all times, most of all, the guilt we feel ourselves for not being able to do a fantastic job ALL the time.

The beauty in your case is that it’s not too late. Jeremy, you still declare your unconditional love, in spite of all the hurt you will always carry and are still reaching out to your mother. My younger brother hasn’t spoken to our mother for a decade, as he has never been able to move past the way she abandoned him in his time of greatest need and this doesn’t have to happen here.

To your mother, I would say, accept that you haven’t always made the best choices for your child, but you made what you thought were the best choices at the time. DON'T defend your actions, that’s not helpful (what your son hears in those moments is that he's wrong to feel the way he does, and he is not). But do all you possibly can to SHOW your child that he still has the same place in your heart that he had when you saw him for the very first time.

Nicki Posted 11 years, 6 months ago. ✓ Mailed 11 years, 6 months ago   Favorite
Response Part 3
Although parts of society may require you to feel shame in the fact that your son is serving time in prison, you have many, many reasons to be proud of the person he is. He is obviously incredibly intelligent and articulate, astoundingly resilient, has a beautiful kind, caring and forgiving heart, a great sense of social justice and he loves his mother more than any other person in the world. This is a child you should be proud of! It appears, from what I’ve read on this site, that he chose to fight the fights that you did not and it hasn’t worked out well for him either but there is no greater love than a mother and her child and you must treasure AND nurture that until the very end. Your son has been able to articulate to you what he wants & needs from his mother, he’s given you a road map… follow it! Never let another birthday go by without acknowledgment and take the love he so willingly has to give you. Regardless of how difficult it may be for you, know that it is magnified many, many times for him in his current situation. We can't change the past, but we can make the most of what we have today.

Please take care of each other! I wish you both well.

Nicki

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