The Real ConAir
by Jeremy Pinson

Recently a Houston federal judge partially reopened my criminal case to hear arguments that my attorneys failed to provide adequate legal assistance. So began my trek from ADX Florence in Colorado to the Federal Detention Center in Houston, Texas. My journey began at 3:00am on March 31st when I was awakened by escorts who rushed me to a holding cell where I sat by myself until 6:00am. Then I was brought out to have my hands chained to my waist and my legs shackled at the ankles. Two hours later I exited the bus to stand in the chilly air next to a jet run by the U.S. Marshals to transport prisoners made famous by the Nicholas Cage film "ConAir." Unlike the movie the real ConAir plane has an interior just like any other airline plane. But the travel sucks. From Colorado we flew to and landed in New Mexico, Arizona and Nevada. We sat for over an hour on the tarmac at each location. This was boring except for Las Vegas where it was neat to look at Sin City in the daylight. Finally we landed in Oklahoma City where I spent 5 days locked in a cell along with no soap, deodorant or even toothpaste before the final leg of my journey to Houston which involved the same routine except this time we landed in Louisiana and a few other states while a flamboyant homosexual prattled on about nothing in one ear and a Hispanic gentleman with stifling body odor sat snoring in my other eat. When we landed in Houston it had just ceased raining in 80 degree heat and the humidity was suffocating. We were made to stare at the side of a bus kneeling down for over 45 minutes while U.S. Marshals told war stories and boasted of their bedroom conquests. When I turned my head to survey the area a US Marshal got in my face screaming like the drill sergeant from the film Full Metal Jacket which I tolerated with barely contained rage. As I lay my head down to rest that night I recalled a report of people complaining about air travel post-9/11 and laughed. If they think TSA are bad they should try ConAir. And now for the journey back to Colorado ;(