12/12/12

Dear Blog,

Been locked down - prison wide - something jumped off somewhere. It's only been a couple days so far. Hope to get showered soon.

Therapy has me a little twisted up. I have some bitterness over how SOTP refused to let me participate, in effect, guaranteeing no chance at parole, and no education, programming, work, or all the other opportunities lost because I "failed to volunteer for" SOTP. In the over 2 years as a punitive "G" level, I have become an expert at doing cell time.

Anyway, I had issues last week in therapy. They finally let me back in, after I wrote the Board informing them of SOTP refusing to let me participate, and requested a termination or expiration of my sentence. So I'm in group, and the therapist comes off with how she doesn't believe I was honest about why I forced SOTP to remove me. Paraphrasing, she didn't believe I was doing this [illegible]: I'm going to force removal now because I'm abusing medications, and because I want more therapy I see the Board, motivated removal.

After a spout about how I wasn't working therapy, and a conclusion with "You were just setting yourself up for failure if you would have got parole", I countered with now, you just answered why I pushed for removal.

It didn't go well.

I know for myself, that conditioning played the dominant role in my sexual offending. In the most basic form, I was raised for a large period of my formative years, in a home where the mother and sister figures had sexual relationships with me. After I was removed from this environment, my sexuality was never challenged appropriately, leaving me to condition my sexuality, in light of my past experiences. This behavior equals this reward.

The last 12 years, I have reconditioned my sexuality to appropriate behaviors equally the sexual reward; while, at the same time challenging the distorted views of sexuality, taken on in abusive situations, and reinforced over years of fantasy, with the harmful realities of those behaviors.

Knowing myself now, I made the mistake of positing, that I am confident that I will never re-offend again. The therapist let me know that I can not say such.

I enjoyed the SOTP program, and gained much awareness of self out of it. That is exactly why I wanted more time in the program. However, it is a program based on acknowledging and accepting a deviant sexual attraction and using an awareness of risks and interventions to manage this deviant sexual attraction.

I myself understand that I eroticised behaviors that are not sexually healthy; however, I believe that continual challenging of those behaviors with proper perspective, sets the stage to viewing the world healthy again.

Until next time

Nicholas Lear #141815
PO Box 250
Draper, Utah 84020