Also, because you appreciate poetry, I am posting this for you. It isn't my own work. Instead, it's by spoken word poet, Sabrina Benaim. I don't know if it will jump off the page the way it literally vibrates when she performs it:
"Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation
Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear The next it's the bear On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone I call the bad days "the Dark Days" Mom says try lighting candles But when I see a candle I see the flicker of a flame Sparks of a memory younger than noon I am standing beside her open casket It is the moment that I learn everyone I will ever come to know will someday die Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem Mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head Mom says where did anxiety come from Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party Mom, I am the party, only I'm a party I don't want to be at Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends Sure I make plans, I make plans I don't want to go to I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun Mom You see Mom each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company Mom says try counting sheep But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot Baptize myself in Mom says happy is a decision But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg My happy is a high fever that will break Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying No Mom I am afraid of living Mom I am lonely I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep on the couch watching SportsCenter To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed But my depression always drags me back to my bed Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat But I am just a careless tourist here
I will never truly know where I have been Mom still doesn't understand Mom, can't you see That neither can I"
You've written very eloquently about your current situation and just about existential topics in general. Do you think that you will be able to repair your family relationships? Do you think your kids will be lastingly damaged by all that's happened?
Also, what's going on with your vampire novel? Is it at a stage where you think you'd be able to share a chapter or two?
Also, a compliment. Your typing is excellent. I think I would struggle if I were not able to hit the Backspace, but there are very few errors in your letter and that must have taken quite a bit of skill and focus. I guess, as you said, you're a "bit" of a perfectionist.
I wrote to your friend, but she didn't write me back. I will search for her note and then tell you here on the blog. I have a new friend Kathleen and we met on a Musical Performance on the 23 of April. We already had a lot going on with the two of us. She is 48yrs and I'm from '48. ;)))We have similar characters and interests! That's why we match so good together.We also live near to each other. She is divorced and found her soulmate... but she has to share him.He likes three women. To me this sounds complicated though.:)I wouldn't share my mate.George wouldn't either... Well, she can hug as many times as she likes... i can't. :( But I travel on the 22nd of June to Amerika -we celebrate his B-Day on the 28th; he turns 67- and I will be there till the 9th of July.6 day visit in June and 6 visits in July.Oh, I received the 6 hrs visit/day!!!I fly to Milwaukee, WI and there the dad of George and the chofer(?) John picks me up.He has to drive more then 5 hours at least! :o My first 4hr day is the 23 of June. :)I will arrive the 22nd and stay one night near the airport of Milwaukee.
RSS
"Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation
Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
The next it's the bear
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone
I call the bad days "the Dark Days"
Mom says try lighting candles
But when I see a candle I see the flicker of a flame
Sparks of a memory younger than noon
I am standing beside her open casket
It is the moment that I learn everyone I will ever come to know will someday die
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem
Mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head
Mom says where did anxiety come from
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party
Mom, I am the party, only I'm a party I don't want to be at
Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends
Sure I make plans, I make plans I don't want to go to
I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go
It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun Mom
You see Mom each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
Mom says try counting sheep
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot
Baptize myself in
Mom says happy is a decision
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
My happy is a high fever that will break
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying
No Mom I am afraid of living
Mom I am lonely
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy
So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep on the couch watching SportsCenter
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat
But I am just a careless tourist here
I will never truly know where I have been
Mom still doesn't understand
Mom, can't you see
That neither can I"
Also, what's going on with your vampire novel? Is it at a stage where you think you'd be able to share a chapter or two?
Also, a compliment. Your typing is excellent. I think I would struggle if I were not able to hit the Backspace, but there are very few errors in your letter and that must have taken quite a bit of skill and focus. I guess, as you said, you're a "bit" of a perfectionist.
Hafsa
thanks, Julia
I wrote to your friend, but she didn't write me back. I will search for her note and then tell you here on the blog.
I have a new friend Kathleen and we met on a Musical Performance on the 23 of April. We already had a lot going on with the two of us. She is 48yrs and I'm from '48. ;)))We have similar characters and interests! That's why we match so good together.We also live near to each other. She is divorced and found her soulmate... but she has to share him.He likes three women. To me this sounds complicated though.:)I wouldn't share my mate.George wouldn't either... Well, she can hug as many times as she likes... i can't. :( But I travel on the 22nd of June to Amerika -we celebrate his B-Day on the 28th; he turns 67- and I will be there till the 9th of July.6 day visit in June and 6 visits in July.Oh, I received the 6 hrs visit/day!!!I fly to Milwaukee, WI and there the dad of George and the chofer(?) John picks me up.He has to drive more then 5 hours at least! :o
My first 4hr day is the 23 of June. :)I will arrive the 22nd and stay one night near the airport of Milwaukee.
Wish me luck!
Ps. Tell me how you're going???
xxx from Rita!