Jesse Wilson
99919555
9th Post- February 24, 2013

There are these times, these times when I have to struggle against the enemy of my being--the anger and hate I've allowed to grow. The anger and hate that I know, little by little, eats away at my true self, leaving behind a cold, heartless shell. A shell that loneliness and pain never touches. Realistically, I know this is an insanity, one that many around me have embraced. You can easily regard all I write as such, I assume. In truth, though, I am not insane, nor am I able to embrace the darkest truth of what I see. I cannot allow myself to see humanity in such a negative light when I know better. I know what love is. I know what genuine compassion looks and feels like. Also, I know prison is not the best collection of the human race.
Being in prison, especially in solitary confinement, you are constantly exposed to the worst of humanity. Anger and hate fuel these places. You can trust no one. Let alone, discuss your feelings, thoughts, or ideas. Not everyone in prison, or working at a prison, is (sour?) to positive. Enough are though, that it feels pretty close.
Sometimes I think I'd be so much better off if I only just lived within my mind. Always protected inside the cushion of myself. Never allowing things outside of that to affect me. Always content. Always at peace. Always happy.
That sometimes passing thought is very flawed however, because I long for interaction. I long to share in the human experience. Loneliness is very painful and cold. It crushes the self-breeding feelings of depression and self-doubt. This concrete cage is continually pressing loneliness and pain. Constantly reminding me of my status in this life, showing me how I am viewed by the outside world.
Though, I am constantly issued ammo to battle this. The ammo is Love. My family refuses to allow me to see myself as this cage wishes me to. The Love inside of me will not fall victim to the darker things that press in on me. Really and truly, I am blessed to know the full truth of Love. To feel the full effect of it.
My surroundings may be dark, cold, and lonely, but my being is not. I can never explain how extremely outrageous it is to live inside a world of concrete cages. Isolation has not, in any way, aided my ability to communicate my emotions. In truth, who feels it, knows it. So, I'll move on.

Complacent fantasies: they cloud my mind.
Institutional realities:they suffocate and blind.
In this darkness, you can not find.
Drink of the poison, I will not mind.

Jesse