April 24, 2013

Babygirl

by Jesse Wilson (author's profile)

Transcription

Blog Post #11
Jesse Wilson
11th Post
3-27-13

Baby Girl -

Suicide they say. Why the? How the? Well, it does not even matter now, does it? The fact is you've done it. You took your own life. Just up and said f- it. Words fail me now the same as they did the first time I held you in my arms. The first time I looked into your brown eyes. You were so beautiful. Remember I told you the day I met you? I said I will love you forever, oh yea, laughing again? May be that it is funny, but for sure that it's true. I knew it the moment I met you. Knew it as soon as we had our first conversation and you told me your life story. I felt as though I could listen to you forever and a day. Guess I'll never again hear you though since you've up and decided this thing.

I will never understand, but I do get it. Life can be hard. Things can get out of control and feel never ending. The pain can be suffocating. I know all of this for true.

I am not here to judge you, boo, and I can not even play like I know what it is you had in your mind. Let's be honest about it here. It was what? Six years ago I last heard from you. Eleven the last I saw you. You were living with my mother and sister. You pulled a move with some pills like this, you promised me never again would you get down like that, but you promised a lot of stuff. You forgot. Maybe your memory was bad ;). I'm just picking you, calm down. Damn. Too crazy you are.

I got a letter telling me tonight, said you had done this. So now I guess you are gone, gone for good too. You know, love, I have felt this you being gone for years now. I mean personally as far as you in my life. I did hope you were there for someone though. I hoped someone was there for you and that life was blessed. I wished you peace and love, I remember you wrote about your kids, you had just had a son and you were so proud of him. I thought then, well, she is good, she has her happy ever after.

Fairy tales and reality hardly ever mix though. This ain't no fairy tale right here, is it, Ma? Sure, you right! It's all the way dirty south. I got you, but damn, suicide? Crazy how much of that has been in my life. You don't even know, love. Thirteen years spent in super max prisons, a lot of suicide jumping off. Even had a vicious scare with one of those ladies I love more than life itself, this though, well, it's a done deal. You've actually done it. I don't have a clue as to what's on the other side, but I hope you have your peace now. Truly I do. What else can I say? I did love you and like I told you I always will. Regardless I'll love you.

You be easy now, Baby Girl, and holla at my pops for me if you run across him on that side.

- No need for goodbye -

Love always

Jesse

[photo of inmate]

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Replies (6) Replies feed

Katemonster Posted 8 years, 1 month ago. ✓ Mailed 8 years, 1 month ago   Favorite
Thanks for writing! I finished the transcription for your post, and I'm sorry for your loss. Even if you'd lost touch with her, something so sudden and inexplicable is never easy to take.

Nuria Posted 8 years, 1 month ago. ✓ Mailed 8 years, 1 month ago   Favorite
Sometimes although we may not understand why, things happen without that we can change the destiny. Anyway you still have the being although the shape disappears. I will try to put in words your feelings.

"The first, the last, my everything
And the answer to all my dreams
You're my sun, my moon, my guiding star
My kind of wonderful, that's what you are
I know there's only, only one like you
There's no way they could have made two
You're all I'm living for
Your love I'll keep for evermore
You're the first, your the last, my everything

And with you I've found so many things
A love so new only you could bring
Can't you see it's you
You make me feel this way
You're like a fresh morning dew on a brand new day
I see so many ways that I
will love you till the day I die
You're my reality, yet I'm lost in a dream
You're the first, the last, my everything

I know there's only, only one like you
There's no way they could have made two
Girl you're my reality
But I'm lost in a dream
You're the first, you're the last, my everything"

Requiescat in pace.

Núria

endsolitary Posted 7 years, 6 months ago. ✓ Mailed 7 years, 6 months ago   Favorite
Hi Jesse,

I hope you're holding up dude.

I'm going to be mailing out a letter to you within the next couple of days. If you don't receive it, you can write me at:

Lisa Dawson
PO Box 88037
Indianapolis, IN 46208

Also thought you may be interested Solitary Watch's latest post, which features the work of a prisoner at ADX. I couldn't include the whole thing due to the character limit, but you get the gist (if you want the rest, I can mail it to you).

Take care,

Lisa

Voices from Solitary: Life in H-Unit, ADX Federal Supermax

The excerpts that follow come from a declaration by Mahmud Abouhalima, who was convicted of taking part in the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center (a charge he still denies).

* * *

Since September 11, 2001, through today, I have been in administrative detention and faced brutal and systematic mental, spiritual, and psychological cruelty. I never believed that such an unusual punishment would be extended up until today, where I have lived in a prison cell for the last ten years that is the size of a closet. I am fed like a zoo animal through a slot in the door, and manacled and chained at the hands, waist, and legs when I leave the cell. A black box with heavy lock is placed on top of my wrist chains in addition to this when I am escorted out of the unit, like to the hospital or to a visit…

Sitting in a small box in a walking distance of eight feet, this little hole becomes my world, my dining room, reading and writing area, sleeping, walking, urinating, and defecating. I am virtually living in a bathroom, and this concept has never left my mind in ten years. The toilet only works if you flush it once every five minutes, so if I press the flush button twice by mistake, I have to wait for up to an hour, with the smell of urine and defecation still there, everywhere I go, sit, stand, or sleep.

For my first four years in segregation, I kept fighting paranoia. I became suspicious of everything around me. If I heard the range door open, I stood up, feeling that they were coming to take me away, even though I didn’t expect to go anywhere. The one hour a day of rec outside the cell didn’t heal a damn thing. I struggled with myself, telling myself that maybe next month, next year it will be better and I would be out of solitary confinement. Eventually I lost all hope of getting out of segregation.
I lost appetite and just wanted to sleep. This was the first time in my life that I experienced the brutality of force feeding. I also heard and saw other inmates being taken by guards and medical staff in combat gear and with cameras. Sometimes an inmate screamed so loud that I could hear him…

Kane Posted 5 years, 6 months ago. ✓ Mailed 5 years, 6 months ago   Favorite
Killa K... a legend and man feared by most any living in the walls of prison with you. I served time with you in 32-C. Death row. Yet I had no life sentence. 9 months I gave of my sanity in that hole. And yet, the mightiest of minds... all the knowledge, wisdom, understanding in the world will never prepare you for it. Jesse is not the monster he's made to be. BUT!!! This is true as of then. Disrespect him or get down wrong, and it was guaranteed, you wouldn't again. Other than that. Jesse is highly intelligent. Very astute. Very disciplined. And in body,mind,and soul... unmatched. I use to watch as they would come get you just for sick call. Usually 4 or 3 k9. (Steroid induced terminators lol) but still with there numbers. Size. Tactics. They still placed him in what I called boxing gloves. His hands inside them and chained to his chest. His shackles so small a step was all but impossible. And still you could see fear in them. Especially the weak little security clowns. Lol but I use to wonder why?? Cause all you could see in you was peace and calm. I'd even speak a few times as you would attempt to throw ya hand up. Anyway... Jesse Wilson. Is a man that has survival instincts. Kill or be killed. He is a man put in a situation and given choices. And he chose to live. Truthfully... the others chose to die.

edav Posted 5 years, 2 months ago. ✓ Mailed 5 years, 2 months ago   Favorite
Hello Jesse, I hope you're holding up alright. I read your blog posts and was inspired to write to you, as I noticed you hadn't posted an update in quite some time. I just wanted to say thanks for posting here and giving some honest insight on your situation. It's been very informative to read about how solitary affects individuals and I deeply sympathize with the inmates who endure its circumstances. Judging by your posts I can tell that you're a strong individual and I appreciate that you've written so candidly on this blog. My condolences go out to the ones you've lost. Take care.

- EJ

Ajj13 Posted 4 years, 5 months ago. ✓ Mailed 4 years, 5 months ago   Favorite
Hi Jessie! My name is Alyssa and I have been reading your blog posts and have been very interested. I hope you are doing okay. I would love to see more posts from you. I hope you are having a good day and blog again soon. :)

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