July 7, 2011
by Randy Chaplin (author's profile)


This blog will contain stories, thoughts, musings, colored-pencil drawings, and interspersed throughout, tales of incest, homo-hetero, bi, and transgendered sexuality. All true.

The judge buried me at 45 years of age. I toured with music groups, "This Kids" and "The Drive-Ins", in the early 80s, released albums, had songs on CD. All over the southwest, the college circuit, UCSD, UCLA, U of A, Texas AM. Based out of the most beautiful little town in northern San Diego, Encinitas, CA. I got lost there in a one mile area. I traveled the universe, swam in the ocean, lived and slept on the rocks at Paramahansa Yoganda's Self-Realization Center for many months. Ten years of characters, of events, of wins and losses of life.

I began this blog in April of 2011. In May, I was diagnosed with lung cancer. A 2" tumor was discovered in my upper left lung. On May 26, the upper lobe of my left lung was removed. I am healing fairly well and thus far am at Stage 1 lung cancer.

Out of the blue, the time has come. Oh how I've missed you and you know it's true. You lit up my world, my eyes sparkled each time I saw you. There was no way for me. It was destined long before. I've played my guitar and sang to the stars. The stars have names, names like Karen, Joy, Rose, Dolly, Laurie, Holly, Tierney, Marya, Rene, and Karen, and Karen, and Karen.

I swore I would win, but there is no winning. Only living, doing one's best, stumbling, mumbling, swearing throughout my life. If only I could show you, really make you feel. I am so sorry I hurt you. If it's shameful, if it is embarrassing, if it is so far gone with no way home. I remember every awful detail. I cannot look at myself 25 years later when I think of all the mistakes. I pray you have found happiness, I pray you have.

Yes, this is how I write the deranged ramblings of a multi-diagnosed nut. But I digress. I've never hurt anyone physically. No guns, no knives, no weapons. So here it is.

It is June 27, 2011. It is raining here in Vacaville, CA. It's been very hot lately. Supposed to be 104 on July 4th.

We are doing a band show on the prison yard. I'm doing P. Floyd, R. Plant songs. I hope it's fun! I try to get up above the never-ending sorrow. Where do you go when you go offtrack, no way back and all is lack?

Four life sentences to go. I'll be back.


Replies (2) Replies feed

Marvin Posted 7 years, 3 months ago. ✓ Mailed 7 years, 2 months ago   Favorite
Thanks - this is a lovely, poetic post. You seem to have lived a full life, so I guess regrets are inevitable! Best of luck with your health issues.

Randy Chaplin Posted 7 years, 1 month ago.   Favorite
(scanned reply – view as blog post)

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