Questioning My Integrity
7-7-11

Today, I found myself angry that my integrity was questioned. I mean, it bothered me so bad that my hands began to shake. And I know this'll seem petty to some, but for a person who really has changed, they'll understand.

I used to boost, rob, and straight jack folks. I didn't give a damn. You all went except for my family. Today, I know I'm NOT like that. I haven't stolen anything. More than anything, I get furious when I'm stolen from.

Here's the deal: yesterday, they moved my roommate and I from F-Wing to D-Wing. We moved our stuff over to only find an inmate's stuff still in the cell. So we waited in the dayroom with our stuff.

The officer came to get the inmate's belongings. She kept asking if the fan in the cell belonged to my roommate or me because she had done peeped that fan was illegal. We both were honest and said, "No!" She even put the fan with my roommate's stuff in the dayroom. My roommate returned the fan to the officer saying, "This isn't my fan."

The officer put the illegal fan with the other offender's stuff, then asked an inmate to help her move the property. Little did she know, in the process, one of the offenders switched fans. Hell, I didn't even realize it. Then again, in prison, what isn't your business isn't your business.

Well, today, I'm in my prayer closet and I hear an offender at my door demanding to see my fan. WHAT!? An officer was kind enough to run interference. She asked me politely if I would care to prove if the fan in my possession was mine. By no means did I have a problem with it. It's an officer giving me a direct order, so I done it. She declared my fan legally mine. The other inmate was still not satisfied.

The offender came at me sideways saying I scratched my info onto the fan. Okay, now you've gone too damn far. Then you ask to see the property slip on it. Excuse me, you are in white just like me.

It upset me because I know that my stuff is mine. I don't steal to get what I got. Yet offenders who do want to justify what they do by thinking everybody else does it—so they think. The thing is, not everyone is trustworthy but some people are. I believe me to be a trustworthy person today. I'm also thinking I'm overly trusting.

I can't tell you why it seems to me that I'm bothered by this questioning. All I know is that I am. I take pride in my integrity today. I got back to myself. Before I leave this world, I hope to right some of my wrongs.

When you question someone, you question their integrity.

I know today how horrible it feels when it's questioned. So I'll allow myself to think twice before I go questioning people. In the meantime, to those who hold fast to their integrity—I applaud you.

Be Blessed.

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Another Day... Not Really
7-5-11

Today, I woke up with intentions of starting my day only to be told that we were in ICS mode. Unsure of the acronym of the letters. I call it "Insane Crazy Situation". This wasn't no ICS mode.

An older lady by the name of Nancy Yourbourough passed away sometime in her sleep.

People die in prison every day, but this one really bothered me. Maybe it's because my father is incarcerated and his health isn't great. Maybe it's because I had dreams of my mother last night (she's been dead for six years). Or maybe it's because I'm reminded that God could choose to call me home in my sleep as well.

Regardless, I'm troubled by the thought. I'm troubled by her passing. Though I didn't know her, I mourn for her. :( They say she had no one, really. I think that's what bothers me the most. I don't know how true it is, but I know this: she was someone's mother and someone's daughter. She deserves to be laid to rest by her family. Will I ever know if she was or not?

Not likely!

As a mother, daughter, sister, and aunt, I am aware that I leave behind a legacy. I don't want my legacy to be prison. I want my legacy to be how I overcame the odds and stood on a firm foundation.

So, no, today is not another day. Not really. It's a day in which I realize this here won't be what I make of my life. No, I'll make my life every day out there.

To the family of Nancy, may God bless you and keep you.

Frances