mp. 61 Sexual Obsession 9.16.13

One thing my crush (D) has taught me is more about what I respond to. For me it is gender ambiguity. He combines masculine features (strong jaw line and brow line with classic V shaped torso) and feminine energy and presence. Many of the women I am attracted to combine an analogous feminine physicality with masculine energy. Androgyny, ambiguity, all things queer.

But it is intriguing why D seems so unshakable in mind. While the obsession is definitely weakening, it has not gone away at all. I have other interests that on paper look like much better fits (J/N). But D holds my attention still.

Possibilities (factors?): One - that what I realigns am in love with is just love itself. It is not D but my desire for "love" - that all consuming energy force. Oh yes, I do feel the rush of energy through the system whether in the joyful and sorrowful forms.

Two - the love is more for D's intense femininity. There is no denying despite his masculine physical features, to be in D's presence is to feel the essence of the feminine. I know quite a few women (most?) who are not as feminine as D.

Three - the root is just as strong desire for intimacy. The desire to be known in an interior way by someone else, a way that incorporates knowing the body as well as the mind.

Four - the fantasy is the point. I am more like my mom than I want to admit. My mind is drawn to hallucination rather than the real; illusion and delusion rather than clarity. The real world is too frightening, I need to hide in the unreal. D is just a convenient foil for my escape.

Five - (perhaps this should be first?) it is just lust. Nothing more. There is plenty of data to support this. My eyes keep returning to its default position gazing at her body, eyes, lips, hair; no matter how engaged I am with other activities when she is in the line of vision. When she smiles and rolls her finger wave at me my knees go weak. Oh yes, there is lust there.

Six - (perhaps this should be first?) This is a classic aging male ego seeking to deny his aging by attaching himself to a younger, more beautiful body. D is twenty years younger and model beautiful so she fits the bill as an object. No matter how much I dismiss and critique classic masculine ego needs, the bottom line is that I am have an aging body and male ego. I feel the same desires to escape and deny the obvious.

Yeah, these are all factors into the obsession with D. I feel only concern about only one: number four. I see how my mother suffers with her imaginings. I do not want that for anyone, including myself. I know rationally that it is not the case, but emotionally, I still worry that I am only one bad situation away from paranoia.

allan lummus #23038076
mindful prisoner

pobox 1010 bastrop, tx 94602
betweenthebars.org