Jan. 14, 2014

Paul Behind the Wall

From Paul Behind the Wall by Paul J. Martinez (author's profile)


[Native American-looking symbols border the letter. A flying eagle descending and spreading its wings acts as a faded background.]

Paul Behind The Wall

Hello, World.

It's been a while since I've been moved to write, and I learned something about myself. I learned that my creative and most inspirational narratives flow best when i have someone in my life to share them with... I think it is making me a hopeless romantic, and that's not a bad thing. I've always been one who loves to "nest".

Anywhoo, my friend Bobbie faded in to the mists of the past and time, and I've moved to another prison. What a difference 18 months or so makes... With another chapter of my life closing and a new one beginning, today I find myself at Valley State Prison, formally for women and is now converted into a men's prison. I have not made time to blog partly because I stay busy. During the week, I work in the maintenance shop which consists of metal fabricating and welding, building things around the prison, and maintaining equipment. My evenings are filled with attending groups (self-help and 12-Steps) and my weekends? I try to have them for me, and in all this, I try to find time to workout. Read and write. So you see, my days are full.

But then life happens and destiny throws you a curve ball, one that is unexpected, coming from the blindside, and pow! You connect with someone new, someone whose pain is interconnected to some of your own and at first you are confused 'cause you're not sure if it's really happening. IT still feels surreal, something found or wished for in a dream state...

This is a side of me I haven't spoken much about, people, but yet, it's true, people. "Paul Behind the Wall" is a real person and human being with dreams, hopes, desires, fears just like anybody else in the world. You see, one of my fears has been that I've made such a mess of my life early on that I should end up watching life roll by and not know the happiness of love with a significant other, but I learned something recently—and maybe "learned" isn't the word to use; I can't believe how honest and open I'm being right now, especially for the world to see, so let me say "reminded". And that is... you can be surrounded by friends and family and a world at large, and yet feel all alone, unheard, unnoticed, like all you do is for naught 'cause who is going to notice anyway? Who is going to care? I know today, I'm not alone. Today, I know that everyday people can feel the same.

In my existence there is a saying that pain recognizes pain, and my first reaction is to take it away from the person hurting, on some level within my care; I feel like I've known pain for so much of my life that a little more piled on is no problem, so long as I'm serving a positive purpose in another's life.

What do you do when you connect with someone on a level that until now has eluded me? When you cross paths with a kindred soul? When you look deep into her eyes and all you want to do is get lost in them. It took a lot of willpower to come back to my reality, and come back I did, only to find myself wondering if it was all a dream... Connecting with someone on paper is one thing. Connecting with someone in person—quite another. At least, that's been my experience so far. I guess only time will tell if the connection was real and to what extent. I can only hope...

I wasn't sure if I would post this or not. Heck, my intent was to blog about another life-changing experience, but I got stuck on just writing my thoughts about... Well, call her RX for now. Ha ha! Anyway, I save that other experience for my next blog post. Until then, I'm in the wind. [drawing of a stick man running]



Replies (2) Replies feed

Tnez83 Posted 10 years, 2 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 2 months ago   Favorite
Can I ask you a question.
Do you have a son named Travis Martinez

Paul J. Martinez Posted 10 years, 1 month ago.   Favorite
(scanned reply – view as blog post)

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