[hand drawing of a wanted poster. It has a broken heart with a woman and the word "forever on it". The caption for it says: Jamie the wife. Missing from vows made. :( No reward.]

September 27. 2011

DIVORCE WOES

You know, I haven't heard from my wife since she had her baby in 2007. And I say "her baby" because that's what she's made him—hers.

Never once has she let him be "ours" like a child is meant to be. And her selfishness is not only punishing me, but him as well. Because even though I have to sit in prison for some years, I still could be a dad for him.

But I don't think she's thinking of him. A mistake she'll not realize mostly likely until it's too late. There's no actual guarantee that I'll be alive even thirty minutes after mailing this post. I'm in a place where your life can be taken at any given moment. So for her to expect me to be there for him later if he wants me isn't really what you'd call a safe bet. I want to be later and I'm trying. I struggle though every day. But who knows what will happen.

It's the same with my youngest daughter. Her mother said, "When she grows up, if she wants to come see you—she can. I won't stop her."

These women had both of their parents growing up. They have no true idea of what it's like to grow up in a broken home, minus a parent like the one they each are having now. Because as great as a step-parent can be, they're not the "parent". The kid knows this, the kid's friends and teachers know it, and it makes a difference in their lives. I didn't get to really know my own dad until after he died—when it was too late. And while everyone blamed him for that, I know now it's my mother who is to blame for him not being in my life. Just as I'm sure my own two youngest will grow to know that their mother made the decision for me not to be in any part of their lives.

I'm in prison. I'm not dead.

They'll grow up to read my books. And maybe even this blog.

The final hearing for my divorce that I filed for on my birthday last year is almost set for my birthday this year. It'll be done on October 7, 2011 at 10:45 a.m. in the Anderson County Courthouse, 100 South Main Street, Anderson, South Carolina. I'm not really looking forward to it—at all. It really pains me to see my ex. I want to hate her like she does me, but I can't. I've forgiven her for being "cynical" as she called it.

I still remember the day I married her... and smile.

[drawing of Jamie's face close up, smiling.]
She has glasses, but it's those eyes I'll never forget...
Forever my Helen of Troy.