My Actions, I Can Regret.

Quitting school, hanging out with thugs
Drinking alcohol and doing drugs
Petty theft to felony crimes
Now I'm lost in an unjust system
Doing time
It takes every breath to keep a
Peace of mind
Quietly I suffer deep inside
With bound up emotions I can't help
But hide
A moment of weakness revealed
Can come at a great cost all the
Respect I have can be quickly lost
Learning to endure with all I do not have
Doing without because of my pride
I have to look tough and not
let anyone see inside
Because if they had a glimpse
They'd see a man that sometimes
wanted to cry, or see that I actually
cared and if they know all this
then surely I'd be taken for granted
So I hold back any tears stand
Straight and strong I stay to myself
Live on alone
Putting on smiles become harder
and harder each time because I know
they are fake and not what's inside
Learning to live this way isn't easy
to put on a constant façade
There are so many faces I have to put on:
When my Family, Mother, and Grandmother died, when another inmate gets jumped on or clowned upon, when an officer gets in my face and tries to push a button to get me to go off, when I go to chow and they have what "they call" chicken and rice or stroganoff [repulsed smiley face with tongue sticking out saying "HELP!"], when my cellie opens his locker and commissary dumps out on the floor and I open mine and all it has is books and old paperwork, or when he eats a big bowl of food next to me and doesn't offer a bite, or when he receives pictures from home packages or mail orders, when I watch a movie that's sad, when I think about people outside, or when I wish I had someone just to talk to at times. We live in a place where we can't fully express ourselves without repercussions. So those of you who have someone behind these walls I encourage you. Write them and give them the opportunity to express theirselves give them the chance to talk to someone instead of keeping it all bottled up. One of the best things you can do to support your loved one is correspond and if you can't a card from time to time a few dollars to help them get the things they need even books to occupy the mind.

I've been doing this for over 5 years now and I couldn't have made it sanely without a book, a puzzle or two, and having someone to write to. The hardest part of my incarceration hasn't been merely confined there is more to it than that. Its not having anybody being here alone and without family holidays, birthdays, or any of my accomplishments. Secondly not having anyone to help me from time to time with the simplest of things needed like toothpaste and deodorant. If you were able to go online texasgov.com and go to the link Ecom you'll see a list of items we may have purchased for us. Necessary stuff all people need I've had to struggle just to maintain having hygiene and when it comes to sodas and candy bars those are like treats. I haven't had a soda in months whereas some have the privilege to drink 1 a day and I can't remember the last time I had a candy bar: probably around Christmas and 3rdly no mail [frowning face]. I love to receive mail odd huh? And keeping the required stationary like paper, pens, and envelopes isn't easy but that is where I sacrifice the privileges of soda and things so that I may occupy my mind and time through writing. It's the only tool I can use to stay focused on society and finding happiness behind bars.