SHIRLEYWORLD UPDATES
"Let The Bullets Fly!"
Chapter XVI
By Timothy J. Muise

-BULLSHIT METER HITS RECORD HIGH! / DEPUTY DENIED-OH QUOTED

In the most recent issue of The American Journal of Corrections Abuse (September 2014) Deputy Denied-Oh was given their "30 years of unrelenting abuse" Trophy and had some excerpted quotes appear in the article about her being honored. "Your wellbeing is our utmost concern.", she was alleged to have said to one patient in her "sniff" while denying him programs and access to religious services. "Your health and well-being is our top priority, as it is should be yours.", she tongue and cheeked to another dying man who wanted to know why his canteen order for much needed cosmetics did not go through. Even the guards standing behind her could not keep a straight face as she uttered these well rehearsed lies. One man, laying in his own feces, asked how he was going to contact the courts about his legal appeals and our stout sprout of deputy utter, "We need to address your medical needs so that you can enjoy a better quality of life in here.", quality of life OUTSIDE OF HERE! Constitutional rights are of no concern to the "baby got back" booty dancer of correctional abuse. Her mantle holds her new Trophy well, but some offered she should have placed it on the she-shelf she sports. All hail the queen of "sniff"!

-GOD HOLDS BACK LIGHTNING BOLTS / CAPTAIN SHEBERT DODGES BULLET

God has reported that he had a very hard time holding back launching lightning bolts at our fake-ass Marine Captain Shebert when he observed how this super con hater disrespected the Protestant Family Service here at the beginning of the month. God really wanted to zap this hunk of dirt, but felt that this guy was making his own life miserable enough without any divine intervention. Surely Captain Shebert is going to "run it off into a ditch" sooner than later and when he is caught in a "interlude" or "meet and greet" at some roadside rest area or Rail Trail parking lot (think Scott Anderson) he will "have a lot of 'splanin" to do Lucy!" How can someone have so much hatred toward a Family Reunification event? We all know it is because he hates himself. What is even more tragic, and fully indicative of the DOC's con game, is how our super, Rubber Stamp Wry-On and the DOC head honchos all allow Shebert to do it; with absolutely NO repercussions. It is a sure sign of the fact that this is their plan; to make everything fail so that men come back to prison ensuring job security for the 5200 oxygen wasters who had these evil positions. With any luck Captain Shebert can cart his cache of plastic army men over to the rest stop permanently. I'm sure they will go over well with the "Never leave a man's behind" crowd. Semper Fool!

-SGT. BITCH RETIRES TO SUNNY PROVINCETOWN / STEALS BRADFORD'S T-PAPER

The department of corrections highly trained and deeply skilled workforce has lost a real barn-burner of a public servant in the retirement of Sgt. Bitch. They are sad at the loss but not as sad as the Detective at the Provincetown Police Department. The PPD have been swamped with reports of stolen toilet paper all over the hook of the Cape. The fine establishment, The Governor Bradford, reported that someone wearing a DOC ball cap and 1980's mirrored sung glasses made off with a case of their Charmin (no one knows if the thief "squeezed" it or not). It is too much of a coincidence that the Clyde Barrow of toilet paper capers, Sgt. Bitch, was reported to have retired to Provincetown. He always dreamed of seeing the Cape on his hands and knees and finally after all thee years of putting himself in harm's way (when he was awake) in the DOC he is now bare-ass and ball-free down on the "tip" (in more ways than one!). One hopes here are that you don't visit the Cape and need to use the rest room as here may not be any Charmin or Downey left on the spool! We'll miss you Sgt. Bitch! (NOT!)

-NEWS OF SGT.BITCH'S RETIREMENT PREMATURE / INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT PLOY

The rumors of retirement of Sgt. Bitch were in fact "premature" (as has been his love-making ability since 1974), much to the chagrin of the DOC and the joy of the Provincetown Police Department. It appears that "The Bitch" had been on "Industrial Accident" leave, an extended "IA" leave, due to an injury he suffered while carrying his MCOFU Shoulder Strap Bag full of toilet paper and condiments out of the facility, right under the trained noses of the dogs working for the IPS, both two legged and four legged. Sgt. Bitch apparently pulled his groin and neck muscles simultaneously (sounds like a 1980's issue of Larry Flynt's Hustler Magazine) while toting the Charmin and Heinz Catsup out the front door of ShirleyWorld. His fogged over Miami Vice mirrored sunglasses kept him from seeing a crack in the sidewalk which was caused by the seismic event when Deputy DiNardo fell off her broom after flying back from the local Anger Anonymous meeting. The Bitch took a dixie and landed topsy-turvy on the bag of state loot, throwing out redneck and ripping his groin piece. Many wanted to just shoot him like a horse with a broken leg, but the "on the dole" stars at MCOFU just put him on a stretcher and laid him up at home to collect 100% of his base pay. Great work if you can get it. Glad to have you back Sgt. Bitch, just like folks are glad when herpes comes back.

-CAESAR SALAD CAPER AT SHIRLEYWORLD NABS TWO OFFENDERS / PUBLIC SAFE

The used $350,000.00 of salaried employees to bust the "Shirley Connection" of fresh Caeser salad reaching a prisoner on one of the housing units. CO El Grande Cabasa smuggled back a large, fresh Caesar Salad from the Culinary Arts Program (a/k/a The Pig Troth) so that one of the Culinary Workers, a con who keeps to himself and does his time with respect, could enjoy a little snack in his cell. It took the highly trained public servants: Director of Security Hands-On-Sin, Captain Shebert, and some of the two legged drug sniffing dogs from the IPS to break this "Lettuce Ring" up, but never fear no salad, Caesar, Cobb, or even chicken, will threaten the confines of ShirleyWorld with these fearless crime fighters on duty. The joing is even thinking about putting out a "Shirley's Most Wanted" list seeking the top ten salad thieves, clothesline manufacturers, water bottle possessers, and altered t-shirt bandits. You cannot forget about ID scofflaws or "to the gym" runners. The list will surely be fairly comprehensive but you can bet it will not include suboxone smuggling cops, female guards with open relationships with cons, drunk on duty block guards, or adulterous rendezvous partakers wearing the American flag on their shoulder. No salad consumer will go unpunished at ShirleyWorld even if they have to be ripped out of the first famiy visit they have had in three years, as this lats poor "Salad Felon" was. Public safety soars to new heights here at ShirleyWorld but their Icarus wings are rapidly melting from the heat of the "Free Speech" sun!

-NEVER FEAR PLS IS HERE! / LINE UP AT THE STOCKHOLM GATE-DRINK KOOL AID

Our zealous prisoner advocates from Prisoners Legal Services were here this past week. They placed a sign outside the visiting room lawyer area that read, "Line Up Here at the Stockholm Syndrome Gate". All the men we see in jeffin with the guards and telling on the cons are on the PLS list of liaisons. It is truly amazing to see how the "inmate police force" will work with the agents of the state from PLS. It is like the Jews working with Hitler about the concentration camps. Trust and believe they don't call me out no more as I will not butter their bread; they have betrayed the trust of the Massachusetts prisoner and need to pay a price for that. Their day is coming; they cost the HIV and prisoners their KOP medications, they avoid the "sniff" and the "death chamber" like the plague, and they only listen to the Stockholmed Syndromed human shells they keep on their liaison list. Most of their "Liaison List" is also on the "Psyche Med" list here at ShirleyWorld, but PLS has them speaking for me: AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN LESLIE! Put away the jugs of Kool Aid Ms. Walker as we ain't drinkin' it!

More To Come...