[pen drawing of a man looking at something to the right.]
October 7, 2011

Divorce: The Final Hearing :(

Well, we had the divorce today. I'm single again...

The judge seemed to like me and took an immediate dislike to my ex. That, for some reason or another, requested to keep my name and not return to her her maiden name. But who can blame her really? The name Jaime Beth Mahaffey does sound better than Jaime Beth Shirley. Plus, I guess she wants to have the same last name as her son: Collin Johnny Mahaffey. She insisted we give my full name—to make him a junior—but I wasn't up for that. I wanted the name Colline. The logical compromise, of course, being Colling Johnny Mahaffey.

I feel like I've finally lost everything. And the last little part of me that was left finally died today in that courtroom (number 4, I believe it was). The fact that I was still married, and we had a son—a family—gave me the strength to get through each day. Even though I didn't see or hear from them, I knew that they were there and even dreamed that they might even be there for me if I were to be released and given a second chance at life.

But now I know repairing that family isn't possible. Th state just isn't for it. And neither it seems is Jaime.

The judge seemed confused at my complete submission to whatever Jaime might have possibly wanted. I guess it was obvious to him that I loved her still. It's just the fact is: I love her enough to let her go so that she can have the life she deserves—free of any strings, legal, emotional, or otherwise, to me here in this damned prison.

What do I have to offer her? Absolutely nothing—or at least, that's what she's decided.

I wanted so bad to grab her, pull her to me, and kiss her with every ounce of my soul. But the shock-vest I was forced to wear would have went off, and I couldn't risk such electricity going through me into her. I wouldn't, couldn't subject her to such a thing. If I could have kissed her and only shocked myself, it would've been worth every volt. Me kissing her, however, was not something she obviously wanted. So all such thoughts are futile.

Einstein once confessed to his teenage sweetheart: "Beloved sweetheart, I have now, my angle, had to learn the full meaning of nostalgia and longing. But love gives much more happiness than longing gives pain. I only realize how indispensable my dear little sunshine has become to my happiness."