uploaded Nov. 26, 2015.
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Written on 9/28/15
I used to blame the way I turned out on the following reasons:
I was born to the wrong family.
My parents were drugging drunks.
I was molested.
My step-mother hated me.
I became a drugging drunk.
I was born broken.
After 40 years on this earth, I've realized that I am the way I am because I chose to be this way.
The only things I can offer my children:
Hope
Wishes
Sorry.
I will no longer shy away from who I am. Either I love you or I hate you. There's no middle ground.
I know I will die:
Homeless
Hungry
Alone.
A few questions that will never be answered:
1) Mom, why didn't you protect me from that man that sexually abused me?
2) Dad, am I really not your son? Why did you always deny me?
3) Misty is our beautiful daughter or my uncle's child?
4) Alicia, did you ever really love me? Are you able to love?
5) Roland, why do you let your past haunt you as much as it does?
These questions are either for the dead, dying, or just gone!
Written on 9/28/15
Suffering the slow decay of self
crying doesn't help to relieve the pain
Makes me look weak
predators slowly inhale
Sniff me as they walk by
Small eyes
widen with surprise
A fool showing his feelings
They wait in hand rubbing anticipation
Come on, give up, they whisper
Stop trying to live
My soul smiles in sickness
Come on, mother fuckers
Eat this
Death tastes so good...
My eyes see you
My ears her you
I live in between the pages of books
Today I as a book thief
Tomorrow I'll ride a dragon
Hunched over a mocking blank page
Trying to purge what's bothering me
You see and read words of pain
I live them
Suicidal isn't just actions on that day of courage
It's a way of living and thinking
Written on 9/24/15
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Erick Binder
441 alta ave
Rohnert park ca.94928