BLOG POST TO MS. WENZEL
FOR THERAPY PURPOSES
MOOD: OPTIMISTIC, CONTENTED, COMPLACENT
THOUGHT: THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS BAD AS YOU THINK THEY ARE
SONG: SHOULD'VE BEEN A COWBOY
SINGER: TOBY KEITH
MAY 5TH, 2017
Dear Ms. Wenzel,
Here it is the 4th, and surprises of all surprises, you just left from my cell!!! When you were downstairs talking to the guy in the dayroom, and I was coming back from the shower and said, "Hi Ms. Wenzel," and you responded "Hey Bayer, I'll be up to see you in a minute," I thought I had misheard! I had to come in my cell and clean my ears, cause I just knew I didn't hear what I thought I hear. And sure enough, when you got done talking to the ignorant dumbass next-door to me, and came to my cell...I didn't know what to say for a second. That's how shocked I was Ms. Wenzel.
I know I said in my last post, it'd probably be the last time I give you one personally, but when I asked you about them, you told me who to give them too, So, here I be ;-) And its such a relief, because you're so easy to talk to, even on paper.
Yeah, like you said, I basically wrote the book on boundaries, right? And I'm not just crossing them, but taking giant jumbo leaps over them. But its a known fact Ms. Wenzel, that when an author writes a book, its for everyone else, not the author (me), right? So, since I basically wrote the book, how do you expect me to follow it? I am exempt from following that book. ;-0 (HAHA SMILE)
I have been beating myself up all this time for what I did Ms. Wenzel, mainly for involving you and then for cutting. I had been thinking this whole time that you wouldn't want to continue to help me anymore. Yet I can see (and tell) that's not the case.
Once again, you listened to my problems and told me none of us are perfect or we wouldn't be human. You're right, but sometimes it needs to be talked out with someone who will really listen and then give you advice, instead of tell you how you should feel or what you should think. And that's what you do.
When I told you that I had seen your face flash before my eyes when I cut, with disgust, scorn and hate, you told me, 'why would I do that? We all have problems.' You really understood, I felt, that I felt I lost what mattered. Yet, do you know what I realized as I told you what I saw on your face, and you saying no? What I realized Ms. Wenzel, is it wasn't you that was disgusted with me, but myself for doing something I don't do. I was running from my problems, or I should say, my responsibility for my actions. That is something I don't do.
Now, that's something hard to accept, huh? I'm kinda getting mad at you Ms. Wenzel, because it seems like every time you counsel me, I have to realize and face something new. Are you trying to brainwash me or preprogram me or something? It never fails when we talk, that you make me relook at my actions or though process, and I don't like what I see, so I have to change it. Do you really realize how much work that is? Let me tell you, its a lot, okay! Well hell, what else do I have time for? Better now then later when I don't have your help, right?
I handled everything wrong and all I did was compound the whole situation Ms. Wenzel. If I would've just been me, I would've just accepted what I did and that would've been it. But noooo, I had to try a way that is foreign to me and it almost cost me too much. Yeah, I know they say stepping outside your comfort zone is good for you, but I don't think they meant the way I did, huh?
Moving on has been my problem Ms. Wenzel. Every day, multiple times a day, I tell myself, 'I did it, its over and done with, and there's no use in being depressed over it.' Yet I do. I haven't been able to concentrate or read (and you know that's mainly all I do, and that I love to read) because I remember all I lost. Yet, time fixes most things.
Yeah, you might not be able to counsel me like you used to (which is my fault ;-(), but you haven't turned your back on me. Now, that could be for two reasons, of course Ms. Wenzel. The first one is you have hope theres still hope for me. And the second one is you feel sorry for me because you realize there's little to no hope for me. I hope you help me because of reason one, but if you think its reason two, leave me ignorant of it because they say ignorance is bliss, you know!!!;-) Of course I would like to talk to you about my flashbacks/nightmares, because you always seem to be able to grasp what is important and target it. Then you always make me dig into myself to find the answers instead of telling me what the answers should be. Yes, I told Mrs. Wetherby of them, because I feel comfortable talking to ya'll about my problems (and it seems like there's so many of them huh?) So, maybe you could sit in for some of one session with Mrs. Weatherby and I, so we can dig in and finish this once and for all?
Before I close, during Phase 3/Week 1 group, Both Ms. Earl and Mrs. Tatum both said that they had both seen people be recycled through the program when they went before SCC because they weren't going to be released to GP yet. My question is this...I won't be released after I graduate because I'm still STG. I have to wait for the investigation to be completed before I can go to GRAD, which won't be no sooner than March 2018. So instead of letting me go somewhere and sit idle, why not let me recycle through the program to be able to refresh and practice what ya'll taught me, as well as to catch anything I missed this time? Its like Mrs. Tatum told us, the things she teaches now, was 16 weeks in the world, but had to condense it to 7 weeks. Besides, I think it would keep me outta trouble, past not included! ;-/
Here something else I just thought about Ms. Wenzel, as I was in the window watching everyone leave. You know I visualize everything, right? Well, for some reason, the second session we had just popped into my head. Yep, things that I deem important are recorded like a DVR ;-> (So smile, you're on candid camera!!! HAHAHA)
The second session is the one where we talked about meditation, right? An as I hear your words Ms. Wenzel, I realize where I might have screwed up, again, when I pulled up that memory car I am having nightmares about. You see, you told me that you peep into the 'car' as it passes, so you get a glimpse of what's going on.
You know what I did? I pulled the car over, visualized you sitting in the back, all sad. So I got in the front seat. As soon as I closed the door, I was captive to the memories that I've hidden for almost 30 years.
So I did the basic me...Jumping in, feet first, without looking to see where my feet would land. And once again, it got me memories that might have been ready to surface, or for me to deal with because I had people I could actually trust to help me with them, but should've come out slowly.
Damn it, what are you doing to my head Ms. Wenzel? Just like that, you have me examining myself to find out what went wrong and how I might fix it. There really might be hope for myself after all. Now the only thing is: its easy to diagnosis the problem, find the error, but to put the solution to work, that's the part that hurts. Well like you said when I first me you in you office, lets get to work, huh?
Its just like you said before you abandoned me and went on vacation (now do you see what happens when I am abandoned and left alone without adult supervision!?! SMILE), when I was in the cage. You said that morning, you were on one of you social sites (cause that's just what you do) and the question for that day was: who wants to change? You said everyone raised their hand. The next question was who wants to work for that change? And you said almost nobody raised their hand. What about you, are you willing to work for the change you want?
I want to change Ms. Wenzel, but its a pain-in-the-ass to try! I have noticed some differences in myself since I've come to the program, such as I don't worry about what others are doing (ok, most of the time anyways) unless it involves me. I don't cell warrior as much either, although I didn't do much of that before.
What I really need to work on, is patience. I have almost none. It is the one thing that gets me into more trouble than anything. Now, patience is what I need pointers on. Whats up? Also, if you could and wanted to that is, could you give me some topics to write my blogs on?
That's all I can think about before I go to press. My brain really hurts right now! Thanksalot!!! I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because I really want to change. I'm sure my screw ups aren't over, but I'm not going to make another like the last one. Boy, that was a duzzie. But you're giving me another chance...There won't be a third screw up like that one.
Before I go, I've got to give you a PUN and the joke of the day:
PUN: a fur-bearing, web-footed mammal who does what he should not? Hadn't Otter
JOKE: The most important thing in a relationship is trust. If you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she's not going to tell your wife?
Okay, 1 more, just to keep you laughing:
Man: 'If only the man upstairs could have blessed you with brains as well as beauty...'
Girlfriend: "Why the hell is there a man upstairs?"
Okay, gotta go...Will write more after my brain starts working again.
Bobby Bayer 1496320
AKA Grizzly Bear
2017 aug 13
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2017 jun 14