June 14, 2017

Everything Is Going To Work Out

From The Bear's Cage by Bobby-Joe Bayer (author's profile)



MAY 31 ST, 2017

Dear Mrs. W.,

Hello to you. I pray when you read this, that you are doing great, blessed and refreshed. I I, unbelievably, am actually doing alright... I know, it amazes me too;-/

Well, first I wanted to drop you this blog, to say thank you for our last session we had. I really needed to say what I had been feeling, even though you already knew, just not how deep it went. It really screwed me up that I couldn't express those feelings towards that person and I cant talk to those around me. So thank you for listening.

I'm not down as much as I was because I realized that I was down and my mind screwed up because I wanted to be selfish and greedy by keeping them around. And if I really feel the way I told you I do, then its not about me or my feelings or what I wan, but what is best for them, even if losing them forever is apart of it. For me, this is hard to accept because it seems like everyone I have ever felt this way for, I lose.... My mom and Lydia, as those were the last people I have ever felt this way towards, because I didn't want to go threw that pain again. I guess this is part of living, huh? Now I'm really finding out what it means to love someone even if they don't love you back.

What I'm finding out about myself, over these last 6 months I've been here, is I've been living life the wrong way. Yea , I help people out and I associate with few people, but I haven't been living life to the fullest. Instead, I had shut myself away from my feelings so I could push people away and keep them away. That's not living, and I'm tired of being that way.

You told me something when I told you about the abuses I suffered and endured in my childhood, that until a few days ago, I thought was wrong and you were totally off-your-rocker. What you told me is that I needed to learn to forgive myself. When you said that, I was like..." forgive myself? For what? I'm the one who suffered the abuse!"

And then My Aunt Kay wrote me and told me the same thing. So I got to searching myself because I couldn't understand why I had to forgive myself. I didn't do anything. It was done to me.

So I started replaying everything over again in my head. And I realized, deep down, that the reasons I accepted the abuse then, was because I felt like I deserved them. I know what was being done to me was wrong, but maybe I was such a bad kid/person, its what I deserved. I also felt that because my mom couldn't handle me and shipped me off because I was such a terrible kid, it was ok to be treated like that. So, all the besting's and abuses I went threw was "my fault' because I wasn't a good kid.

Being grown up now, I understand this and know the thinking is wrong (or stinking thinking as its called), but its already impeded in my subconscious. Without realizing it, I've been living those thoughts of, "I'm not good enough( is that why she left?),';'"I deserve the worse, and I don't deserve to be happy because I'm a bad person" And all those thoughts are wrong. you, her, Mrs. E, and even Ms. N, all have helped me realize I am who I am and its my choice to live as a victim or to change how I think and feel.

As I sit here and look back over the last 24 years, I see how much time I wasted on not accomplishing anything because I felt sorry for myself and played the victim ( the poor pitty me look what I suffered game) . Something ya'll have taught me is you're only a victim if you choose to be. I choose to no longer be a victim! Its already stole have half my life... Now its time to change and enjoy life; enjoy new experiences, such as love and compassion.

Maybe She accomplished all God needed for her to open my eyes by letting her and I meet, but somebody else needs her more now. And in my heart I want more, but above all, even above myself and what I want for me, I want her to be happy. I have all the memories I can replay, and if that's all I get, then life goes on. BUT she'll always be special to me and Dear to my heart!!!

Anyways, I wanted to say thank you for listening and for giving me advice, even if I disagree with it at first, I have to admit that you were right;-) I know you say its what you do, letting people bend your ear, but I wouldn't never looked at forgiving myself if you didn't mention it. So I really appreciate your help and lending your hear to help me find myself. I know its not easy to break through this, but just realizing these things, I feel more relaxed and haven't even been getting angry at anything! That's unusal for me!!!

Well, its about all I wanted to say Mrs. W... is THANK YOU very much for your time and help. Its really is appreciated... Even if I'm a bug in your bonnet about it;-)

I look forward to being your ears some more in the future.....(HAHAHAHA) if you're up for it...Take care and I'll see ta around the halls...
Respectfully Yours,

The one and only Bayer,
May 31st, 2017


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