June 14, 2017

Just Was Thinking Of You

From The Bear's Cage by Bobby-Joe Bayer (author's profile)




JUNE 4TH, 2017

My Dearest Kristin,

Hello. I hope when you read this, that you and all your loved ones are extremely blessed in health, life and happiness. I hope and pray that you are happy the most of all! I am doing better now.

So how's it going now? How are you doing? Are you enjoying yourself where you are? Have you started your training yet? Have you decorated your classroom yet? Do you like where you live?

I woke up this morning, thinking about you Kristin. I just laid here and wondered what you might be doing, or if you wee still asleep. I closed my eyes and just pictured you curled up in bed asleep with a smile on your lips. Please don't get me wrong Kristin, as I told the other, during one of our sessions, I cant think of you inappropriately because I respect, admire, adore and love you and feel that would be disrespectful to you. I do look at you as a man looks at a woman, but I cant go any further than that. I just wish I was the one could watch you open your eyes first thing in the morning. Well, that's not going to happen now, if ever.

You changed me Kristin. You made me believe in myself and made me want to change. You made me look at myself, and I didn't like what I was. I had a choice to either stay the same and screw the world, or I could become a better person, for myself and those that I love, and change. No, its not easy, especially since I had to accept that you're gone. But I'm not stopping Kristin. I've come to far, and have endured to much hurt and pain since I met you to go back to the way I was before. So since that isn't an option for me, then I can only go forward and become the man I was meant to be. Someone even you could be proud of.

I talked to Mrs. W after you left, and told her how I felt and what was going though my head. I just couldn't keep it in any longer Kristin, because it hurt so much. But during this time, I have realized something too. You were right, I was becoming dependent on you to help me, that I ran to you with every problem I was having. Now that you are gone, I cant do that now.

Since you left, I realized I had a choice to make. Either I could go back to the way I was before so I would never feel the pain and hurt I feel right now over you, and become bitter and resentful person all over again. Or tuck in my chin, stand tall and soldier on and face life face on. I can let you leaving force me to be who I used to be, scared to feel for anyone, scared to risk being hurt again; or I can keep using what you taught me, including the hurt and pain I feel right now, and use it to focus me on becoming a better man. I made my choice Kristin. I'm not going to allow everything you taught me and did to hello me go to waste, because that would just be as disrespectful as the kid that spit in your face. I wont do it.

You are a special woman to me, there is no doubt about that. An the only way I can prove that to you, is to show you. Talk is cheep. I plan on doing just that. I know you're way up there, and I'm way down here, but I always wont be. Whether you're in my life as a friend or more, it doesn't matter to my Kristin, because I'll cherish you always. None can take your spot.

I do wonder if you ever think of me Kristin? I wonder if I ever cross your mind at all? I know you're busy out there, with getting ready for your new career. But I cant help but wonder, ya know?

Well, not much had changed here since you left. I haven't gotten angry or lost my temper, but once. Can you believer that? I know, its amazing. But like I told you, I'm on a mission. I guess I'll close this down so I can get it ready to go out. Always remember Kristin, you are in my prayers and thoughts constantly! You mean the world to me, whether you are here or not. Take care and I will write again next week. Love ya Sweety.

Always Yours,

Bobby Bayer
Grizzly Bear
June 4th, 2007


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