In Memory Of My Mom, Beverly Jean Brown 12/26/1956 - 8/20/2017

Riposa In Pace Momma

August 20, 2017: 11:14 am:

My nightmare has finally come true. My mom, one of the most wonderful and loving
people in this world has died. I feel numb, my tears won't stop, I lost my mom and
it doesn't feel real, it can't be true, she's my mom. I can't lose my mom, what do
I do without parents? Why am I trying to change, be good, be a better person if God
doesn't even care? Who is there left for me to be good for, to say they are proud
of me, who is there for me to try to make smile, to love with no limits or boundaries.
My parents and now mom is gone. My dad is dying of cancer too. I will lose him soon.
All the things I have done in my life make me believe the people I love the most will
suffer my choices. First it was Justine, she lost our baby, then just a few years
later she had her life ended by a man. Then my grandmom died of cancer, now my mom,
next my dad. Why am I in programs to make me a better person if there is nothing good
to come of it? A part of this was doing it in order to make my mom proud of me because
I have been such a disappointment my whole life to her. But now, why bother? To anyone
reading, please say a prayer for my moms soul. I believe in heaven & hell, I believe
in an afterlife. My mom deserves a good one. I might not but my parents do. I have
no words left in me for today. Though my mom cannot read this, I do pray that she
was proud of the good that I have done these past 10 years. I love my mom and I
wouldn't trade anything for the memories I have of her. My mom was shot in the early
1980's, she shot herself in the chest after a fight with my dad. My mom was very sad
& depressed. She used a .357 magnum with hollow point bullets and shot herself in
the chest. My dad saved her that night. I always believed that she was meant to live
for a purpose, to do something great, now I doubt God even cares. How do I deal
with this? What do I do without my mom? My dad is dying from stomach and brain cancer.
I'm the one who deserves the cancer, not them. I'm the one who took a life, not them.
This is not fair. My mom was a hard worker her entire life. She was an amazing mechanic
for about 25 years. She loved working on cars, fixing them. She loved being under
a car. She was in so much pain, but as selfish as it is, I want my mom back. She was
strong, she beat Hepatitis C, she got that while getting a blood transfusion when
she shot herself, back then they didn't test for it. She beat Myelodysplatic Syndrome,
a form of leukemia, then just when we thought she was clear, she got AML, acute myeloid
leukemia. My mom was a great woman. She raised 5 kids, my brother Eric died from
muscular dystrophy 20 years ago, but my other siblings are just selfish. Who was there
for her in the end, none of us. I owe my mom so much and now I can never repay her.
There is no one else left to love. My momma's gone and I just don't know how to finish
the day today. My mom bough a monkey when she was a teenager. I loved the story she
tell me. She bought it for $150. Had to put diapers on it because every time
it got scared, it would climb on someones back and pee. My mom was also a nurse's
aide, she was an LPN, she did nursing home care, private home care and she took care
of a lot of people who died from cancer. She said it was very scary. But now that's
my mom. I lost my mom and I feel numb, why can't this be a sick joke? Mom never hurt
anyone, she didn't deserve this. My aunt Cindy is the only family I have left besides
my dad, I called her and she said my dad has weeks left. She said that my mom fell
into a coma and died in her sleep. Moms not in anymore pain but I want my mom back.
That's me being selfish. I love my mom, I would give my life to give hers back to her.
But this is not how it works. Thank you for reading this, please say a prayer for my mom.

I called my aunt Cindy and she told me that my mom went into a coma and died in her sleep.
That doesn't comfort me at all. I still lost my mom & I know this isn't about me but it
hurts. My brother, the one who refused to bring my mom to visit me, was with her. I have
to ask the chaplains office for a call to my mom tomorrow, I mean my Dad. It doesn't feel
real to me that she is gone. I want to go to sleep tonight and not wake up. It just hurts
too much. I gotta go through this one more time. When my dad is gone, there is no one else
for me to love, no one to love me, i'll just be free of emotional attachments. My kid hates
me and my family is gone. Just Cindy is left. But she has her own problems, her own life.
My heart is broken, I miss my mom, I wanted nothing but to see her buy my family wouldn't
bring her. When dad did, the prison wouldn't let mom in. So I only got to see dad last month
for 15 - 20 minutes. That's all I got for now. I don't wanna even talk about it anymore today.
Thank you for letting me vent my pain. Doubt it will help today, and every day I remember my
mom. I love you momma. You were an amazing mother and I thank you for being such a wonderful,
loving mom who never turned her back on me no matter how much I messed up in life. Ti Amo Momma.
God Bless, Ciao.