In Memory Of My Mom, Beverly Jean Brown 12/26/1956 - 8/20/2017
Riposa In Pace Momma
August 20, 2017: 11:14 am:
My nightmare has finally come true. My mom, one of the most wonderful and loving
people in this world has died. I feel numb, my tears won't stop, I lost my mom and
it doesn't feel real, it can't be true, she's my mom. I can't lose my mom, what do
I do without parents? Why am I trying to change, be good, be a better person if God
doesn't even care? Who is there left for me to be good for, to say they are proud
of me, who is there for me to try to make smile, to love with no limits or boundaries.
My parents and now mom is gone. My dad is dying of cancer too. I will lose him soon.
All the things I have done in my life make me believe the people I love the most will
suffer my choices. First it was Justine, she lost our baby, then just a few years
later she had her life ended by a man. Then my grandmom died of cancer, now my mom,
next my dad. Why am I in programs to make me a better person if there is nothing good
to come of it? A part of this was doing it in order to make my mom proud of me because
I have been such a disappointment my whole life to her. But now, why bother? To anyone
reading, please say a prayer for my moms soul. I believe in heaven & hell, I believe
in an afterlife. My mom deserves a good one. I might not but my parents do. I have
no words left in me for today. Though my mom cannot read this, I do pray that she
was proud of the good that I have done these past 10 years. I love my mom and I
wouldn't trade anything for the memories I have of her. My mom was shot in the early
1980's, she shot herself in the chest after a fight with my dad. My mom was very sad
& depressed. She used a .357 magnum with hollow point bullets and shot herself in
the chest. My dad saved her that night. I always believed that she was meant to live
for a purpose, to do something great, now I doubt God even cares. How do I deal
with this? What do I do without my mom? My dad is dying from stomach and brain cancer.
I'm the one who deserves the cancer, not them. I'm the one who took a life, not them.
This is not fair. My mom was a hard worker her entire life. She was an amazing mechanic
for about 25 years. She loved working on cars, fixing them. She loved being under
a car. She was in so much pain, but as selfish as it is, I want my mom back. She was
strong, she beat Hepatitis C, she got that while getting a blood transfusion when
she shot herself, back then they didn't test for it. She beat Myelodysplatic Syndrome,
a form of leukemia, then just when we thought she was clear, she got AML, acute myeloid
leukemia. My mom was a great woman. She raised 5 kids, my brother Eric died from
muscular dystrophy 20 years ago, but my other siblings are just selfish. Who was there
for her in the end, none of us. I owe my mom so much and now I can never repay her.
There is no one else left to love. My momma's gone and I just don't know how to finish
the day today. My mom bough a monkey when she was a teenager. I loved the story she
tell me. She bought it for $150. Had to put diapers on it because every time
it got scared, it would climb on someones back and pee. My mom was also a nurse's
aide, she was an LPN, she did nursing home care, private home care and she took care
of a lot of people who died from cancer. She said it was very scary. But now that's
my mom. I lost my mom and I feel numb, why can't this be a sick joke? Mom never hurt
anyone, she didn't deserve this. My aunt Cindy is the only family I have left besides
my dad, I called her and she said my dad has weeks left. She said that my mom fell
into a coma and died in her sleep. Moms not in anymore pain but I want my mom back.
That's me being selfish. I love my mom, I would give my life to give hers back to her.
But this is not how it works. Thank you for reading this, please say a prayer for my mom.
I called my aunt Cindy and she told me that my mom went into a coma and died in her sleep.
That doesn't comfort me at all. I still lost my mom & I know this isn't about me but it
hurts. My brother, the one who refused to bring my mom to visit me, was with her. I have
to ask the chaplains office for a call to my mom tomorrow, I mean my Dad. It doesn't feel
real to me that she is gone. I want to go to sleep tonight and not wake up. It just hurts
too much. I gotta go through this one more time. When my dad is gone, there is no one else
for me to love, no one to love me, i'll just be free of emotional attachments. My kid hates
me and my family is gone. Just Cindy is left. But she has her own problems, her own life.
My heart is broken, I miss my mom, I wanted nothing but to see her buy my family wouldn't
bring her. When dad did, the prison wouldn't let mom in. So I only got to see dad last month
for 15 - 20 minutes. That's all I got for now. I don't wanna even talk about it anymore today.
Thank you for letting me vent my pain. Doubt it will help today, and every day I remember my
mom. I love you momma. You were an amazing mother and I thank you for being such a wonderful,
loving mom who never turned her back on me no matter how much I messed up in life. Ti Amo Momma.
God Bless, Ciao.
2024 may 17
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2024 may 14
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2024 feb 27
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2024 jan 23
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2023 sep 2
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2022 aug 4
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Replies (27)
Could you ask your family members to send some of her possessions to you? Or a picture maybe? Hope they can do that much.
Don't give up on being a better person. Keep faith in yourself too, no matter hard it may seem now. You may never know when something will come along to lift your spirits up.
I am so sorry about your Momma. I still have mine but lost my Dad to cancer in 2006. It is hard going on without our parents. Just remember you will see signs of your mom. "Winks from Heaven" they will be things out of no where. Your mom is watching down on you every day.
Please don't look back at past behaviors. Do not give up. Go forward. In time the pain will change, it never leaves. You just learn to live a new norm. The memories will be painful for awhile, but someday you will think of something about your Mom and smile. Sending you prayers and hugs.
I am late too. When I heard your mom died, I wrote something to Melanie to tell you; hopefully you got those words by her. We had a mass for a mom who died of cancer and in that mass I prayed for your mom as well.2 marvelous moms!I know you loved to talk with her as much as you could.Now she stays at your side your life long. You can still talk to her, Robert.She sees your pain and listens to what you have to tell her.:)
She guides you now. Your mom is in a better place and watches upon you. She sees her son and smiles on you. May this comfort you. Robert, you finally found your way and just go forward on that same path.If you are a good person, you'll attract good people along the way. :)
Your momma is just at the other side, you know... Just keep all the happy moments in your heart and in certain things you'll see her face. Hear her voice... :) Those stay for ever in your mind.
One of these days you get some money like before. I told Melanie. I hope your dad is taken care off. Cherish him as best as you can. You can't do more. Try always your best and see what comes towards you, my friend.
A warm hug from your friend Rita x .
I am very sorry for the loss of your beloved Mother. Your Mom will live forever in your heart each and every day. You keep doing the good you are doing and keep your head up. You are in my daily prayers. Making your Mom proud of the man you are today is the best gift you can give her. She is with you always and sees the man you are. Knowing this should give you peace, I hope it does. Take good care of yourself.
Liz Geyer
So good to hear from you!Your letters are always warm;even when regrets and sadness sound through it.We loose things(your beloved mom...:( )in life and we gain love in it too (your cherished daughter :)). Such is life.
I am pleased to hear the banquet went fine and you got some valuable contacts made! Oh yes,I got your picture through Melanie.She is a very nice person.How did you know her,Robert?You know whet? You look very Italian.:)When I was about 19 we did a school trip(end of our high school)to Rome,Pisa,Firenze,Ravenna and other cities more.One night we slept in a convent.We had nuns.The Italian boys knew that.And one evening they gave us a marvelous serenade!We were listening to it in our night gowns.:))Suddenly the nuns came out of their dorm and chased those boys away!I still recall that enjoyable moment!And later,I was 22 or 23 and I left with two friends to Italy.Mom had warned me:only come back not being pregnant!Well,I knew Gennaro from a youth hostel where we were sleeping and he spoke English.Later each of us had a boyfriend.We did auto stop and then we had to promise dancing with them.We kept an eye on each other.So,I never went to the beach with him late in the evening. We ate ice creams kissed and that w
Now this!George wrote a very nice letter to my mom;just to show and explain our bond,our loving relation.She had said before:"he is only a man on paper!" :(I came home from America the day after her birthday.The next week I would see her in Brussels and would dine out somewhere.Joke(Yoke) came as well.We had a fine dinner together and Joke left and mom and me would go to her apartment.We had a siesta and I had already given her her present. But during the cup of coffee,I told her I had another surprise.A letter from George!"I don't want to read it",she said."But he tries to tell you about our feelings from one to another,mom"!"I don't like having anything to do with it",she said.Whatever I tried to tell her,she had no ears for it!"You can love all you want,but that's none of my business!",... I had tears in my eyes,Robert."You make life even harder for me",she said and called me a naive soul..."Then we've not to see each other anymore...". I didn't answer that question.:(( A few days later I made a new call, saying "love is never wrong,mom"."Is your sermon now finished" she asked?Well, I told my English friend Win(she is married to an inmate,Les(lie),-she has my age and Les is a lot younger- who wrote those nice words to me:'Why can't people be happy for us when we have someone in our lives that make us happy,is that such a bad thing?'
Words that comforted me after the hard words mom told me..., Robert.:(((
Late HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Robert!!!!Wish you all the best! Thanks for being my friend! :))) xxx
I hope you had nice Christmas days.And for now I wish you a New Year full of inspiration, a lot of creativity, many joyful moments and surely good health,which is important too!And how are your days? Busy with training the dogs?I saw at my daughter in CA how nice a dog can be!I loved their dog labrador!Yesterday I saw on tv a prisoner in BE who liked to meet the family to peace his mind.Two sisters were mourning about their brother. One sister went to see him -the other would not- and they had a meeting. She forgave him, because he felt sorry for what he did.She saw his sorrow. And that was beneficial for the healing process of both of them. I hope one day it is granted to you,Robert.You also long to meet the family of the victim... Time will tell.I have great news.I went one day dancing, although I was invited for a tea with my neighbors,but I had planned it already.In that place,people above the age of 55 are invited and have a good time.Some dance in couple and many women(alone)dance on their own.So,I love to dance on my own,I am used to do it in biodanza and I had fun. A woman came to me while dancing and asked my age. Her friend(a man) thought I was 45n,haha. I told her the age is just a number and it's all about the radiation of that person.Then I went to sit with them.Jeanine,63 and me could relate real well from the very start!She also lives in Antwerp.She told me strange things :o.That I will live a long time. That I was an 'old soul'(they had many lives here on earth)-two people told me that before; and at a much younger age,I didn't quite understand it.Now I do.Old souls hadn't an easy life and their missions were not easy.I told her that I had a drama in my life... and next I told her George's story.She asked me if he had a good lawyer?He has Jessica and she definitely is a very good lawyer!Suddenly she said: Rita, George will be free in 2018! I didn't believe what I just heard!You have to trust me,she added.You have to do something: each day you send light to him and Jessica.You put both their names on a paper and send them light.Also you have to think, George IS already free.The universe accepts this as the TRUTH.I did tell his dad,he was very emotional! I doesn't believe anymore in the liberation of his son...I could more or less convince him. Now George heard it through his dad,I told him by a letter)& he has to do it too.My train- friend Renie does it as well,as does Jeanine.After 3 yrs George has Parole this coming summer, but juries take their vacations and his case will be for autumn.Till then I burn candles each evening and trust what Jeanine told me.:o It seemed to me as if I had a special date that day with Jeanine.We now are good friends!I also have an amazing story on another dance floor,where I went to with my friend Kathleen. In Breda,Holland.Robert,have a great and special year!xxx
Uncle Oktaaf taught me to read at the age of 4 and a half!And at 5 I read books.-smile
Now I know I will have a solo exhibition at the district house in Antwerp where I live!!! This whole year is already taken and printed.Mine will be printed for the next year. For the whole month of March that is! :))
I went to dine out with a friend Marilou and her 3 artists friends. I now belong to this group too. On March 23 i fly to Illinois.To see my sweetie. :) Oh, I was reading books about shamanes.So very interesting!
Robert,always listen to what your soul inspires you into. Following your own intuition.Here is a nice saying for you: 'For all you have lost, you've won something' - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Kind regards from your friend, Rita! Big hug, Robert! xxx
What is wrong with her city Cleveland? Is she studying right now? Where does she live actually? Did I tell you I met Jeanine at a T-dansant and she told me George will be free this year.(!) She told me more amazing things. We remain friends.She tells me to take this seriously. I should send light to his lawyer Jessica and George.Each day; what I do!But George doesn't believe in it. Too bad, he should do it too, Jeanine pretends. Therefore I will buy the book she tells me. And send it to him, so he'll understand the importance of it!Beye for now! I will write more later xxx
I am at the library right now, at Chester where I visit George each day in the week. It's just great!All went fine until now. I visit 4 hrs in a row. I've still four days to go.We are true soulmates, that we experience just every day! I walk half an hour to go to the prison; today it's real cold. It was warmer a few days ago. To go to the library, Ive to take a shortcut and I've to climb 250 steps and it is real steep. Good for the heart, haha
Every time it goes better and I've to stop less.;)It was my birthday on March 26 and Leslie sent a small package and it's something that really moved me! 23and me; a kit to look up your DNA, for one's ancestry. It was said in Argentina by an Indian nun, dressed all in orange, when I liked to register myself for yoga courses.She looked at me and told me I've certainly Mongolian roots! She said she saw it right away, since she lived there.I was so surprised!Now I'll know, as soon as i send in the tube with spit... It takes a few months to know the result!I've the blood group B and it were the Mongolian people who brought it to Asia.Also in the Amtrak train last year, a Mongolian family recognized those traits in my face. Quite interesting I would say! I know I've French blood through my dad. So very bad to hear the sad news from your dad, Robert... :( I told about you to George; he always is glad to hear stories about my friends.He now is in a ail where elderly inmates are.Young people can be real aggressive. My two people at the Hospitality House could only visit their husband and partner for two hours a day.Because in the east gallery there was a lock down> The boyfriend of one black woman is free tomorrow after 4 yrs of prison.A clairvoyant, Jeanine, in BE thinks? that George will be free this year!I believe her!She told me to send each day light to him and his lawyer. Robert, what happened with Melanie?You didn't tell me.I am willing to send you 20 dollars, but what do I do now?So, tell me, okay?Nice to hear you can talk with your funny daughter!:) I can imagine the love you get from those puppies, Robert! -smile
Keep up the good mood, and next time I'll write things that gives you inspiration.The library closes now. I've still to eat here, before it gets dark! And I've to descend all those steps.
Think of the good things you received at night.And be thankful for them!
A warm hug from Rita! x
I missed my bike so VERY much!:o They moved George to the south east of Illinois,to Sumner,close to Lawrence ville.Since then no word from him!I know through his dad he sent me two letters.They sit on it, his d
Pheww.For the'first'time I had liked to be present at his Parole!It is so VERY important to be there!Will I be able to make it?
Well,I wish you the very best in your life,Robert.
Stay healthy and till soon in a message on the blog. Thanks for your letter & card! ;)
x from Rita