A note from up the creek...

Robert A. "Russ" Russell

Aug. 29, 2017

In my last post I spoke of getting to the root of the problem. I spoke of the pain associated with a broken leg, the broken leg being the problem, not the pain. Setting a broken leg that has "healed" wrong turns out to be far more painful than I ever imagined!

There are events in my past that I've never dealt with. I speak of horrendously painful situations that no young boy is equipped to deal with. Some of these things I've never even articulated to myself let alone another human being. I've made a start. The thing is I've developed defenses to keep these things buried and those defences are nothing nice.

Add to that intense spiritual attacks and I am as bad off as I have ever been. I am attempting to power through but it is far more difficult that I ever imagined.

It can be said I am and have been an angry man. This causes me a great deal of pain and self hatred as I know what the Bible has to say about the angry person; Have nothing to do with such a person! Over the last 10 years the anger has morphed into a rage that is frightening in its intensity. This rage pops up over any little thing; I never know what is going to set me off.

I was lead to seek a psychologist. I've been seeing him about four months. Last week I brought a question to him; if a person buries pain can it grow into rage and emotional/mental problems? His answer was "Absolutely!"

The last four decades of my life have been spent either loaded or clean and in denial of long buried issues. Whenever those issues surfaced in a significant way I would just relapse. Fast! I am now fighting relapse. I am now fighting rage turned outward that threatens all those around me. This is nothing nice.

Why in the world am I telling you these things? I don't know. But I do know I need prayer like never before. I am a threat to myself and others. I am clean and sober and not in denial and all hell is breaking loose. The bad news is I've only just begun, I've years of unprocessed crude to deal with.

IF I make it through I may be able to use the gifts He has given me to be of use to others. If not it won't be for lack of effort.

I deserve nothing. I ask for your prayers not for self, I am pretty much sick of self! I ask for your prayers because I know many others are in the same fix I found myself in and IF I can survive this and come out on the other side I know I can spend what years I have left helping other men who are tortured. I've shared from the heart and kept it real with you but I also know none of you could possibly understand what is happening with me, unless of course you've been there, if so please post a comment!

May god bless you in all you do in His Name. Amen.

Love Russ