Johnny E. Mahaffey
The Novelist Portent
October 21, 2018

[picture of Star Wars stormtroopers]

NOT THE SOCIOPATH YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

There is one common rule among psychologists -- you have to actually MEET the person before you can properly diagnose them! In person, being the preferred method -- since writing, or phone conversations, do not accurately convey a person's ... idiosyncrasies, that are crucial to a proper diagnosis.

Some label ME as "sociopath" -- but, that is in error.

It's mostly a product of too many episodes of Law & Order, Criminal Minds, CSI, things like that. People forget that those shows have a purpose: profit! They are written to entertain, NOT TEACH. If they were written to teach, they'd be on PBS with much lower ratings. Why? Because the bulk of American viewers want blood, gore, evil, rape, robbery, lies, back-stabbing, infidelity, sex, sex, and more sex, drugs, money, killing, shooting, and on and on... If I write a script for a TV show, or a movie, I better put one (or more) from this list, or it won't make a profit.

Right now, there's a rise in celebrity books on "mental health", where everyone is suddenly talking about their issues. But, I can't help but wonder: How many are genuine. Oh, I'm sure a bunch of them are ... but there's certainly some fakers.

Mental health is not to be taken lightly.

In 2006, and 2007, when I was in courts -- the very word mental health was a taboo, because the prosecution DID NOT want to deal with it. It meant, spending money, and possibly leniency on sentencing; and, once it happened on enough cases, it would open a can of worms that they would never be able to close. They absolutely REFUSED to give my wife or me any kind of mental evaluation! You'd think in a murder case, that carried up to the death penalty -- would REQUIRE a mandatory evaluation just to be safe. I understand not wanting to get them for every single case -- but, when a defendant's life is at stake -- why the hell not? Would that not be a moral obligation on the state?

Turns out, we DID need mental evaluations!

And they would have made a difference not just in the trial, but in the last twelve years of our lives. Me? I was simply written off as some genius/mastermind sociopath! Because that simply played into what the prosecution needed -- and since my lawyer was a meager public defender, I was at the mercy of the prosecution.

It's my hope, that one day things will be done right.

Truth is a powerful thing; and it's on my side.

For me to simply be written off as a "sociopath" without any kind of evaluation, or doctor input whatsoever, is both irresponsible and immoral. For one, sociopath is an outdated diagnosis, and has been for a very, very long time. It was big in the '80s, but faded out in the early '90s, replaced by Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), as part of the Cluster B Personality Disorders (e.g., Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder). And these are grouped together for a reason, as they share a percentage of symptomatology, and even treatment.

The main characteristic of anyone with APD, is that they have NO EMPATHY WHATSOEVER! They simply don't care, at all. You can't offend them... they don't care. They're not all serial killers, or followers of any criminalistic stereotype -- these are just people that DON'T CARE about what you think, what YOU feel about them or what they've done, or what they're doing. And it's not really a narcissistic thing either -- it's not ego, they just don't give a damn. They lack an ability to feel empathy, plain and simple.

Me? I'm riddled with empathy. I'm cursed by it!

OBSERVABLE ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER BEHAVIOR

The diagnostic manual, which rests its diagnosis on observable behavior with no attribution of causality, indicates the following examples as characteristic of the personality disorder: failure to accept social norms; irritability and aggressiveness; irresponsibility in meeting financial, parenting, or other obligations; impulsiveness and failure to plan ahead; deceitfulness; lack of remorse; and reckless behavior. No one of these tendencies or a single instance of one or two, especially without an early life history of antisocial behavior, justifies a diagnosis of personality disorder. The diagnostic manual specifies that at least four of the patterns be exhibited since the age of fifteen.

EMOTIONAL POVERTY

The antisocial personality seems never to have developed the capacity to feel strong or deep emotional attachments. There is no real capacity for deep love or loyalty to anyone else. The ordinary emotions of anger, grief, and despair are absent.

These are just... so not me.

TV shows have made it so that when anyone is accused of a crime, especially if it's complex, and no one cares to look into it, the defendant is a "sociopath" because that's just easier. Plus, it plays on the societal programming instilled upon the trial spectators, judge, and jury. It even gives the victims peace of mind -- because this "egregious" crime was not committed by a fellow human; it was a nonhuman, a monster ... a sociopath.

But, in a way, it's the prosecution that's exhibiting APD, by not affording the defendant -- such as myself -- any level of empathy. In the defense of the prosecution's "humanity" -- they are doing a job, which consequently relies on a certain percentage of "convictions" for career advancement. And, in addition, maybe NOT all defendants deserve any level of empathy (i.e., child molesters and meth-heads in particular, since, from what I see here in prison -- they are the bottom of the human pyramid ... the lowest level of Dante's Inferno).

It's okay for us to be angry; to be upset; to feel that we've been wronged; to feel like no one understands; that doesn't make us mental patients ... it just means that we're human.

My wife and I want the worst punishment imaginable for the Pedo that victimized her and our children, and the neighborhood kids. Every little boy that comes within eyesight of him, he goes after. The courts DO NOT need to let this woman and child rapist out, not this time. Are we -- the other parents; and children -- wrong for wanting him punished? For wanting him castrated and hung from a tree like they used to do to people like him? Doe that make us (his victims) sociopaths? Because we don't empathize with what HE thinks?

It's the court's job; not ours. To be impartial.

For me, the ONE UNFORGIVABLE is those that victimize children!

That's my opinion, and it's my right to think it.

It does not indicate any mental instability. Pose a danger to my wife or children -- and we have a problem. I have always been that way. More men need to be that way -- protect those you love. That is motivated behavior -- someone protecting family, from a potential danger -- i.e., a child molester, a meth-head, etc. -- acts in a way attributed to a sane human, under mitigating circumstances. And thus, is afforded leniency.

Someone with APD, however, acts without any discernible motive that makes sense.

INADEQUATELY MOTIVATED BEHAVIOR

As much as we may deplore criminal behavior, we can still make sense of what the normal criminal has attempted -- to make money, to collect on an insurance policy, to make important connections. The antisocial behavior of the individual with [APD] ... seems purposeless and spur of the moment: a crime, perhaps a heinous one, committed simply because the individual felt like doing it. The person with antisocial personality disorder is unable to say why he or she committed the crime. In the place of the usual motives for the crime there is impulsiveness and the need to seek thrills and excitement. 1

I could turn this into a massive personal essay, as to why the use of the word sociopath is erroneous in my case -- but, instead, I'll make a suggestion to what I probably WAS suffering from: PTSD, from all of the robberies I endured at gunpoint, the home invasions, being held hostage as a child at gunpoint .. the list goes on. I have, on many occasions, exhibited signs of Borderline Personality Disorder -- and guess what? It's often misdiagnosed as ... drumroll please: APD, and sometimes even, bipolar disorder. Why? Because BPD is one of the Cluster B Personality Disorders.

"14 million adults in the U.S. ... are estimated to have borderline personality disorder (BPD). They make up 2 percent of the general population but 20 percent of psychiatric inpatients." 2 And, there are many undiagnosed borderline patients out there, either not diagnosed at all, or erroneously seen as being bipolar, or with APD.

The real problem with treating borderline personality disorder, however, is that patients don't get the right diagnosis. Many are misdiagnosed as having bipolar disorder and treated accordingly. "Lots of patients are on antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and antidepressants", says [McGill University psychiatrist Joel Paris]. "They may be taking four or five drugs. They are not getting psychotherapy, and many insist on staying on pills. Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which psychotherapy is more effective than drugs. The evidence for drugs in the treatment of BPD is very weak." 2

The recommended treatment for BPD? Dialectical behavior therapy.

Where does BPD come from? "Abusive parenting and other traumatic childhood experiences" play a role, and also: "... it evolves out of direct experience of physical or emotional abuse or witnessing others being abused." 2

Borderlines will divide life experiences into "positives" and "negatives" groups, and cling to the positives. They also have a distorted "perception of time", says San Diego's David Reiss. 2 "They see it more as an accumulation of distinct events than a continuous linear progression."

Borderlines seek affirmation. "Emotional dysregulation and impulsivity are at the disorder's core. Sufferers swing from happiness to despair to fury, often in minutes, and each feeling is vastly disproportionate to its trigger. 'Life is like a ship in a stormy sea without a keel', says New York psychiatrist Frank Yeomans." 2

Sexual promiscuity is common.

Suicidal gestures.

IRONY

The affirmation that borderlines pursue so desperately from others turns out to be the Achilles' heel of their lives. Their interpersonal intensity -- emotional outbursts, heated middle-of-the-night exchanges -- often jeopardizes their most important relationships. Calling a friend at four in the morning after a fight, pleading 'I have to see you right now. I have to know that things are OK between us', is seldom endearing. Says Harvard psychiatrist John Gunderson, director of the Borderline Personality Disorder Center at McLean Hospital. 2

Borderlines are hypersensitive to perceived anger; carry an inner sense of emptiness and fear of abandonment; borderlines fear rejection; and are fearful to the core that those they love will leave them; yet, borderlines thrive on chaos. A borderline may tell a person that they love them, and can't wait to spend the rest of their life with them; and then, 20 minutes later pack their shit and throw it in the yard because they found out they'd gotten a Facebook message from an ex, that meant nothing to them. The borderline will construe it as a form of "rejection", and take it personally, because the ex had a line of contact that was not severed. It will be seen as if the love, was keeping a "backup plan".

Any of this ringing a bell, for anyone that knows me?

One good thing is that BPD fades -- usually -- by middle-age. And, I'm at that age. But, when I was in my twenties ... I was at the mercy of my emotions, and fears of abandonment. I put too much on those I loved. I wish that I'd been more educated, more aware ... I would have made a better father, and a better husband.

I have my wife back in my life today, and I can only hope that I don't drive her away -- I even bought her a textbook on BPD, in the hope that maybe she can deal with me better. Not that she should have to, but just in case she continues to choose to. (See, there I go again, fearing abandonment). 12 years alone, has forced me to learn to deal with my abandonment issues, so ... I don't think it's a problem like it was. My wife has already accused me of "pretending to be the nice guy" and that I need to just be myself. But, I just don't see things the same way anymore. If a girl was to cheat on me -- I wouldn't fight for her, or jump through hoops -- I'd pack up and walk away. No anger, no blame ... she simply didn't love me, and I'd move on to find someone that did. If someone wrongs me, I don't lose control of my anger -- I've witnessed too many bloodbaths in here to ever THINK of committing an act of violence.

I just sat in a court next to the Pedo that attacked my wife, and all the boys in her neighborhood. I could've easily put him out of our misery -- but, there was a voice in my head saying, "No. If you hurt him, you will never see her again."

All I could think of ... was my wife.

She was the center of my calm. The center of my circle, that makes me whole. And this was before she returned to my life. My love for her does not have to be returned; I do not seek affirmation through her; I simply love her. If she continues to love me, then I'm all in, forever. My love is, truly unconditional. Which, raises the question(s): Did I have BPD, and it went away? Do I still have it, and have just learned to live with it? (Like an alcoholic that has admitted his addiction?) Did I EVER have BPD, or was it something else? I don't know.

The courts never gave me that chance to find out.

They just ... assumed, and threw me away.

No one has ever tried to help me, and I don't feel that too many would ever care to. I don't know what my future holds. But, I know what I want it to hold -- I want my family, and I want a place to lay my head that I can call home. I want someone to be outside that prison gate when I get out ... and she knows who she is.

I know that I am not a sociopath; because sociopaths don't feel these things...

M

REFERENCES

1. "ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY" Copyright 1992, 2006 by HarperCollins Publishers
3rd Edition Collins College OUTLINES by Dr. Sarah K. Sifers
pages 154 to 161

2. "Psychology Today" magazine, October 2013 issue
"Kings and Queens of Chaos" by Elizabeth Svoboda
Pages 78 to 87

* I apologize for any typos on this post -- it is the first draft. This was such an emotional thing for me, that I simply put the paper in my typewriter, and went with it -- letting the words flow. That, in itself, I believe means something. I wish that a doctor would contact me about this stuff some day, it would be interesting to finally have a diagnosis. Maybe then I wouldn't lose everything I love...

I'm not a killer -- and I'm not a bad guy.

I'm not worse than a junkie. I'm not worse than a pedophile.

I'm not at the bottom of any list!

I'm just seen as a case number, and "INMATE" number.

I'm a lot more than that 323863, or the case numbers, or the warrant, or the indictment numbers -- I still have a lot to offer this world. I can be a good dad, and a good husband...