Robert A. Russell V35292
CSP SQ 3-N-17 Low
San Quentin, CA 94974

Jan. 18, 2020

Maintenance of a Spiritual Program is Vital!

Well, I wish I could report how strong my recovery is and how well I am dealing with all the ends and outs of life in prison, but I cannot say those things at this time. Life has been pretty rough as of late and that had me questioning sobriety. It was a very dangerous time for me, but for the grace of God, I would be in relapse right now.

I got busy. Too busy. My personal time of devotion suffered as a result, and as a result of that, I suffered. Imagine that! Self-pity got a foothold in my mind. I began to actually weigh the costs and benefits of getting high, just smoking a joint to relieve the pain. Now some things just are. If there are ever legitimate reasons for self-pity, I have a few. Truth is, lately I have been in pretty severe emotional pain, dealing with life on life's terms can and does result in pain. It is just a fact of life. What's scary is that the lie from hell, that some substance could correct what's hurting me, could seem so true.

After a few really pitiful days, I was at a crossroads. I began my devotions just like always, but I realized I was just going through the motions. I caught myself, stopped, and got focused in prayer. Really earnest and focused. I utterly believe that it was the prayers of my loved ones and my prayer support team that brought me to my senses. Three minutes of this improved conscious contact with God revealed the insanity of my thinking and restored me to sanity! I almost wept.

Self-pity, bitterness, judgment of others, being "right", being in control, all these aspects of being are deadly to an addict! I do not have the luxury of sniveling about life's hard knocks. If I do, I die.

TRUTH is, I am so far beyond blessed no words exist to convey how truly blessed I am. I began to see that, with God's help, through those who pray for me. Dear God, what a relief! In praying for my son, Jesse and his family, my daughter, Crystal Ann and her family, the child I fathered with "Linda" but do not know, for all my family and my extended family, I received such clarity, strength, and courage. I love today and I love those I pray for, and I am strengthened by the prayers and love of others.

The AA literature talks about the vital need to maintain our spiritual program, calling it spiritual maintenance. Today God taught me that lesson firsthand in dramatic fashion and dear God am I thankful to him for that! So, life is good, recovery back to being solid, me back to being thankful. So, I will now go and find my joy. Why don't you go do the same? God bless you.

Love and prayers,
Russ Jn.3:30
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