Dec. 1, 2020

Friday November 6, 2020: "...U tested positive..."

From Lessons Learned by Antoine Murphy (author's profile)


Date: 11/22/2020 11:27:33 PM
Subject: Friday, November 6, 2020: "...U tested positive...."

NEAR DEATH. (11-10-20)

F it.
What's the point?
What's the point of holding on when the inevitableness of death running through ya body?
What's the point when COVID got me F'd up n F'd over!?!
I can't taste sh--! Even when I try 2 conjure up reminiscences of what Frosted Flakes n orange
juice spose 2 taste like! - Nothin. I can't taste sugar, salt, bread, tea, chocolate, fruit,...can't even
taste water!
So what's the point?
Then I literally can't smell sh--! So who cares if my celly "drop 1: flush 1" I poot puffs of
Lavender Body Powder in da air on da strength when I got, but can't smell that sh--, probably
even if U pour it in my nose. Got me waking up with F'n sinus infections, like they doin da damn
nasal swab all F'n over again!
So what's the point of waking up 2 that sh--.
Freaking tired. But can't F'n sleep 2 save my life - mind U my life is on the line! ask the
shortness of breath, which is no fun when u trying 2 have a bowel movement. Mainly ask my
bodyaches specially round the midsection. :(n I shot someone in the abdomen) Only gotta few
choices - lay on 1 of my hips or both my butt cheeks! Still all of it hurt - maybe if I wasn't skin n
bone. Maybe if they didn't put my dying a-- on the floor! (In a cell meant 4 1)
Yeah though I got COVID nobody give a F--.
They threw my monkeyball a-- right in seg, right in a cell with my sick a-- celly (guess we can't
give 2 each other!) Only difference - he got the bed! Pays 2 B 55! Not so much 2 B 41! So
they threw my young a-- on a 2" thick navy blue mattress on the floor. No point in putting sheets
on it!
So now I gotta fight this F'n virus, while fighting being stepped on n stepped over, while fighting
which end 2 sleep at - closest 2 the toilet? or closest 2 the door; while fighting the bright a-- light
above me, which when turned off lingers in a nightlight that never sleeps. (Act like I'm in OBS or
On top of that, gotta fight through all the yelling, banging, pounding, screaming, kicking, tapping,
pleas 4 attention (some from my celly) from kids who was on the unit with me. Can't stand they
a--, but here I am surrounded by em.
No wins
No wins as I gotta fight police slamming traps at meal time, med pass n seemingly 4 no damn
reason: "opps! Wrong cell!?!" When that's not the case they fumbling that stupid blue beeper
right outside my door. Know they could a put that sh-- way in the back of the tier, outside, 4 all I
N when I tell the nurse "how y'all gone put me on the floor n in an environment not conducive 2
getting well? How I'm spose 2 recover from this sh--, in this sh--?" all she can say is "sorry."
She mean well, but...
But, I mean well 2
when I say, "sorry."

"Sorry God
I can't do this.
Know u love me n all that blah but I'm not feeling this.
Maybe cause I'm more worried bout my physical comfort than trying 2 b madly in love with U
Got me dreaming more bout finally having sex than getting out n telling 8 billion people bout
accepting Jesus as they Lord n Savior."

My mind
no longer has what it takes 2 B in prison.
no longer has whatever it was I used 2 have that kept me going: that kept me putting up with
BS: that kept me believing "there's a brighter day"; that kept me fighting the good fight.
Maybe that's Y I haven't prayed 2 recover.
Not sure I want 2...
Just 2 sit through another 15 minute Parole hearing just 2 hear "U got exemplary
conduct, programs complete..., but release at this time would b inappropriate..."

"Sorry God
I simply can't
If I have 2 do more time,

just let me die already

Die of a broken heart
broken spirit
broken life

Least in death there's no prison


Replies (2) Replies feed

GN22 Posted 4 months, 2 weeks ago. ✓ Mailed 4 months ago   Favorite
Thanks for writing! I finished the transcription for your post.

Stay safe and healthy.

Antoine Murphy Posted 3 months ago.   Favorite
(scanned reply – view as blog post)

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