May 15, 2011

My Gender Self-Conflict

My earliest memories of being self-conflicted about my gender identity is during my preteen years, beginning around 5 or 6. I was sexually molested by an older girl, actually, two different girls on different occasions, which consisted of oral exploration and fondling my penis respectfully.

The assertion and initiative was entirely on the girl's part, as I have no previous idea of sex or gender consciousness at all. However, at no time did I ever feel traumatized or victimized by these playmates of mine.

This is the first time that I became aware of the concepts of gender and sex, and it left me wondering, "Why do I have a penis and they don't?" I felt ashamed of my penis, as if I suffered a birth defect.

Growing up during these preteen years in Riverside, California, with an older step-sister and an older female cousin, I envied the opposite sex and began to hate my own masculinity. I began to identify with and gravitate toward the women and girls in my family and found the men repulsive.

Adding to this developing inner self-conflict was the emotional and physical abuse inflicted by my step-father, which did mentally traumatize me. The only person who I could turn to for reassurance and a sense of security was my loving mother, whom I became attached to and completely reliant on for familial love and affection.

These childhood experiences led to psychological development of gender dysphoria and confusion. Emotionally, I began to adopt a female gender identity. At the same time, I began to feel a type of physical or sexual attraction to women and girls in my prepubescent years.

From this point in my life forward, I've always preferred and sought the company of females. I have always showed deferences and felt reverence toward the "fairer sex." I secretly wished that I was a girl, that I could be "pretty," that I could live in a female-dominated society.

Is this abnormal? Does this make me "weird"? Am I "crazy" or mentally ill? Or is this simply a legitimate form of gender consciousness and self-expression? Isn't the whole gender binary simply a social construct imposed by the powers that be?

If God or Mother Nature only intended for there to be "man" and "woman", then how do we explain the existence of intersex, or "hermaphrodite" people? And how can transgender, gender-variant, and intersex people overcome discrimination, hatred, and oppression in a misogynistic patriarchal society?

This is only the beginning of my gender self-conflict, which I will continue to write about in future blogs.

As always, I welcome your comments, criticism, feedback, and questions, which you may post online or send to me directly by snail mail at the following address:

John (Jennifer) Gann
E-23852
California Correctional Institution
P.O. Box 1902
Tehachapi, CA 93581-5902

—Jennifer A. Gann