"LIVING WITH A BITCH CALLED HOPE" BTB

It's so hard sometimes to keep doing this. Then out of the blue I get a couple of comments from a couple of long lost "friends". And I know it's not much, but I guess I don't need much. When I fell 13 yrds ago, it's like I never existed. I heard from no one. The few people who were writing during my trial just stopped answering my letters. I won't name any names, but one was very close to me. I've known her for years and years. Even my girlfriend left me for dead. And this "incident" was based around protecting her! I can't think of a more effective way to crush someone's soul and their self-esteem than to abandon someone in a time of need. It's like standing on the edge of a crumbling cliff and reaching your hand out for help and people just turning their back on you. I can't describe the feeling accurately. It's 10 times worse than I can make it sound. But anyway...to survive you have to get over it. You have to come to accept that people just don't care for you that much and you have to learn to survive without love. There's abused dogs out there that do it. And there's a world of free people out there that do it. And I'm doing it. Well, not really. I love so many people. I couldn't live without love. Apparently I can live without getting any love in return, but that's what I got. Oh well. I'll just try to stay happy and wait and wait and wait for this law to change. I try to be in a good mood as much as possible and not let the state crush me like they intended. I am amazed that I've been able to do these past years and, if things don't change, I'm sure I'll be even more amazed that I'm still here! That's if I'm still here! I think I'm starting to ramble. So...I've lost track of where this was going. My long lost point is: if you don't have much, you don't need much. At least...that's the crap I'm trying to believe! I'm living my life with Hope. Hope that I'll one day be free. Hope that one day I'll be able to see my sons again. Hope that I'll one day have love in my life again. Hope that there'll be a little more carrot and a little less stick. Hope that I won't run out of hope! The case John Doe v. Harris is my latest hope. It has to do with contractual law and plea bargains. If it passes maybe the state won't be able to use any prior plea bargain convictions as strikes. All my prior strikes were plea bargains, so hopefully if it passes, the state will have to dismiss all my strikes. My current crime, assault w/a deadly weapon, only carries 4 yrs. So without any previous strikes I'll be done. I have over 3 times the max sentence in already. That's what all my hope rests on now. It's hard to believe that it all comes down to that. I try not to get my hopes up too much, but that's all I've got at this point: hope. I've noticed lately that I've been smiling a lot less in the last couple of years. I don't want to run out of things to smile about. And I don't want the state to break me. So far so good. I don't break easily but they keep trying. I just have to try harder to live than they are trying to kill me. I can't let them crush my soul, and I won't let them kill my hope! My hope is the one thing I'm fighting to keep. It's the one thing that is keeping me alive. At least, I hope it is. Like I said before: maybe I'm just too stupid to give up! Whatever! It seems to be working!

I walked a mile with Pleasure, she chatted all the way
But left me none the wiser for all she had to say.
I walked a mile with sorrow, and ne'er a word said she,
But oh, the things I learned from her, when sorrow walked with me!
-Robert Browning Hamilton.

I have no yesterdays
Time took them away;
Tomorrow may not be -
But I have today!
- Pearl Yeadon McGinnis

Two roads diverged in a wood and I
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

(maybe I should have hung a left!)